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Tag Archives: TV

sazaeUFO

Tarao “Tara-chan” Fuguta, the six-year-old boy feared to be aboard a flyaway dorayaki-shaped balloon, was found safe hiding in the attic of the Isono family home in the Asahigaoka area of Tokyo.

The tale of the “balloon boy” captivated and titillated Japanese audiences on an otherwise slow news day when no talento were arrested for drugs, naked dancing, or criminal lack of talent.

“Tara-chan,” one of the stars of the reality TV show, “Sazae-san,” got sick twice after blurting out “you said we did it for a show!” to his father, Masuo-niisan, when grilled by Tamori on a live broadcast of “Waratte Ii Tomo.”

The balloon boy’s mother, Sazae “Sazae-san” Fuguta, has confessed to the hoax, saying, “The network blames the show’s falling ratings on my sagging cartoon boobs. Even Masuo-niisan doesn’t want me like he used to. I was desperate for attention.”

The saga ended when the balloon crashed at Saga Airport and rescuers were shocked to find in the wreckage, not a little boy, but Crasher Squirrel, the long-forgotten internet meme, who commented, “This story should be about me, me, ME – I’m an internet meme, ha-hah-HAH!”

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In other news, fashion magazine Pinky announced it would suspend publication at yearend, stating, “Young women just aren’t interested in little fingers anymore.”

sazaeUFO

Tarao “Tara-chan” Fuguta, the six-year-old boy feared to be aboard a flyaway dorayaki-shaped balloon, was found safe hiding in the attic of the Isono family home in the Asahigaoka area of Tokyo.

The tale of the “balloon boy” captivated and titillated Japanese audiences on an otherwise slow news day when no talento were arrested for drugs, naked dancing, or criminal lack of talent.

“Tara-chan,” one of the stars of the reality TV show, “Sazae-san,” got sick twice after blurting out “you said we did it for a show!” to his father, Masuo-niisan, when grilled by Tamori on a live broadcast of “Waratte Ii Tomo.”

The balloon boy’s mother, Sazae “Sazae-san” Fuguta, has confessed to the hoax, saying, “The network blames the show’s falling ratings on my sagging cartoon boobs. Even Masuo-niisan doesn’t want me like he used to. I was desperate for attention.”

The saga ended when the balloon crashed at Saga Airport and rescuers were shocked to find in the wreckage, not a little boy, but Crasher Squirrel, the long-forgotten internet meme, who commented, “This story should be about me, me, ME – I’m an internet meme, ha-hah-HAH!”

# # #

In other news, fashion magazine Pinky announced it would suspend publication at yearend, stating, “Young women just aren’t interested in little fingers anymore.”

NoriPiandFriends

Kanye West, Joe Wilson, Crasher Squirrel, and Serena Williams interrupted Noriko Sakai’s “gomennasai” press conference, which then erupted into chaos.

Released on bail, Sakai began her carefully scripted, tearful, and heartfelt apology, confession of guilt, and acceptance of blame for all things wrong in Japanese society today, “Gomennasai, I’m druggie, loser, bad mother, estranged wife of a self-proclaimed-surfer, tenant of a shabby beach house in Chiba, my boobs aren’t real, and I could never really sing all that great.”

Rapper Kanye West jumped on stage, grabbed the microphone, and shouted, “Yo Noriko, really happy about your release and Imma let you finish but Oshio Manabu had the best drugs arrest this year!”

U.S. Representative Joe Wilson looking outraged and constipated said, “うそつき!” stuck out his tongue, and then ran home to mommy.

Crasher Squirrel, struggling to regain relevance since his 15 minutes of fame are up, said, “I rode the UFO with First Lady Miyuki Hatoyama and Tom Cruise! I have a copy of President Obama’s birth certificate – he’s a squirrel! My nuts are humongous!”

Serena Williams, “Hey Squirrel, if I could, I would take this f—k ball and shove it down your f—k throat! And then crack your nuts with my biceps!”

Japan’s news media, unable to comprehend this deviation from the script, erupted into chaos and forgot to report on the first day of Prime Minister Yukio “the Bird” Hatoyama’s administration, which will determine whether Japan regains its economic footing and global standing, or plunges straight into hell.

(special credit to @aragoto for the Kanye West quote)

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  1. You call yourself gaijin because you know it pisses off the newbie gaikokujin.
  2. You bow repeatedly when talking on the phone.
  3. You offer your business card before shaking hands with a visitor from overseas.
  4. You prefer Japanese Big Macs to American Big Macs.
  5. You can sing enka perfectly but Japanese colleagues still ask you to sing “Country Road” at karaoke.
  6. You freak out folks back home when you take off your shoes at the door.
  7. You automatically duck your head when exiting the subway.
  8. You ignore other gaijin, especially the tourists who make eye contact and smile.
  9. You have pretended you don’t speak English at least three times.
  10. You fold the paper wrapper for the chopsticks to make a neat little stand.
  11. You put chopsticks back into the paper wrapper AND rewrap the rubber band around the bento box when you’re done.
  12. You keep expecting restaurants back home to give you a nice hot towel at the beginning of every meal.
  13. You watch Sho-ten, Chibi-Maruko, then Sazae-san on TV every Sunday.
  14. You no longer wonder why Americans have such large asses.
  15. You still wonder why Japanese don’t have any asses.
  16. You recycle plastic bottles, meat trays, cardboard, and milk cartons.
  17. You have run outside and bought a yaki-imo during the winter.
  18. You find the McDonalds Mr. James stereotype to be mildly amusing and not worth getting upset over.
  19. You can name at least 23 Japanese prefectures.
  20. You have climbed Mt. Fuji more than once.
  21. You sympathize with gaijin tarento on TV even if you find their gei unfunny.
  22. You have impressed Japanese friends with a senryu, kotowaza, or yojijukugo once too many times.
  23. You frequent at least three izakaya where everybody knows your name.
  24. You avoid the American Club like the plague.
  25. You know everybody’s name at Tokyo 2.0 and CGM Night.
  26. You can tell jokes in Japanese that actually make Japanese people laugh.
  27. You can read/write kanji your Japanese friends can’t.
  28. You save the plastic bags from the supermarket to use as trash bags.
  29. You shake your head when you see people put out moenai gomi on moeru gomi day.
  30. You actually like natto, shirako, sazae-no-tsuboyaki, kusaya, or shiokara.
  31. You have a favorite brand of Japanese sake, shochu, or beer.
  32. You avoid Roppongi because they are too many gaijin.
  33. You have been inside one of those “oppai momi-momi” places in Roppongi.
  34. You think self-proclaimed otaku you meet online are just silly.
  35. You have carried a mikoshi at a local matsuri or danced at obon.
  36. You have published at least three photos of “Engrish” signs on your blog.
  37. You have a sake story, just as you have a tequila story.
  38. You have carried a co-worker onbu-style after a company party at least three times.
  39. You know which vending machines have the best prices.
  40. You are friends with all the obasan in the neighborhood and they always compliment your nihongo.
  41. You go to the gym and stoically pretend not to notice Japanese staring at your private parts.
  42. You bathe twice as much here than you used to back home.
  43. You prefer Japanese junk food to the stuff you can get back home.
  44. You go back home on vacation but wonder why things don’t work like they do in Japan.
  45. You know the back-story of Hachiko in Shibuya.
  46. You never miss the last train no matter how drunk you get.
  47. Japanese people are shocked to discover you’re gaijin when they meet you for the first time in person.
  48. You can do a passable regional dialect.
  49. You can name at least 17 Sumo waza.
  50. You can explain the difference between Kanto and Kansai styles of unagi.
  51. You have been to Nikko and can say kekko.
  52. You cry watching Japanese dramas on TV but never admit it to gaijin friends.
  53. You have at least three books on Japan/Japanese culture that you bought but never read.
  54. You have been inside the gates of the Imperial Palace on the Emperor’s birthday or oshogatsu.
  55. You don’t bother commenting on stupid blog entries about weird Japan.
  56. You know the difference between okonomi-yaki and monja-yaki.
  57. You no longer try to explain why you choose to live in Japan to friends back home.
  58. You think Tamori is funnier than Sanma.
  59. You think, “I should have written that,” when reading a weird Japan story in the New York Times

Common Sense.

Mothers where I come from pound that stuff into their kids’ heads. With a baseball bat if necessary.

The Great State of California has strict “child endangerment” laws – bad/stupid/ignorant parents can be sent to jail for putting their kids in harm’s way.

Japan, the country with the amazing shrinking population, you would think treasures and protects its children.

As John Belushi always used to say, “But, noooooo!”

* Mother leaves kid in car to play pachinko. Kid asphyxiates. Mother wins box of Hello Kitty Pocky.

* Father drives car wearing seat belt (there’s a law). Kid is bouncing around between seats. Sudden stop, kid does Superman impersonation through windshield.

* Kids have to go to juku cram schools after school. Walk home alone at night. Kids get murdered and crammed into shallow graves.

I wish I was making this stuff up but you see and hear stories like this almost every day in the Japanese media.

Sometimes I wish I hadn’t studied Japanese so hard.

知らぬが仏 (shiranu ga hotoke) = ignorance is bliss.

“With an oink, oink here.

And an oink, oink there.

Here an oink, there an oink,

Everywhere an oink, oink.”

 

With all due respect to the Japan Pork Producers Association, the real problem is not what influenza A H1N1 is called but the culture of fear the media is exacerbating.

 

There are reported cases of doctors in Japan refusing to examine people complaining of flu-like symptoms AND having 外人 friends OR having travelled in 外国. Doctors should know better – the risk of infection is real but can be managed.

 

We would all be better served by less “aren’t-we-lucky-it’s-a-gaijin-problem” smugness by TV announcers. We could certainly do with much less video of masked, gowned, and goggled medical staff running around at Narita.

 

Three things you can do to significantly reduce the risk of H1N1 infection (and the regular seasonal flu, which kills thousands of people every year in Japan):

 

1. Cover your mouth when you cough.

2. Don’t go to work if you have a fever, cough, sneezes.

3. Wash your hands regularly.

 

Duh. Your おばあちゃん could have told you that.