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TOKYO (IG News) — Police arrested 77 chikan train gropers during a one week campaign in greater Tokyo in mid-April and 29 of the 77 were found to be repeat offenders.

“What a bunch of dicks,” said Tokyo Metropolitan Police spokesperson Chikan Shineh, “Who would be stupid enough to molest women on trains during a highly publicized police campaign?”

Fans of the Saikyo and JR Chuo lines were thrilled their favorite chikan-densha were once again tied for the top place in number of arrestees at six pathetic-losers-who-should-be-shot each.

Ureshiidayo! I’m so happy! I ride the Saikyo every day, if you get my drift?” said Chinko “Willy” Atama as he winked-winked and nudge-nudged feverishly, “The Saikyo is like a conveyor belt sushi place for perverts and creeps.”

In a surprise move, the Mayor of Taiji City, Iruka Kuwanei, confirmed rumors that the city’s dolphin fishermen would now use eco-friendly fishhooks baited with live chikan train gropers.

“Dolphins love chikan, they go wild!” said Kuwanei, “we love it when dolphin cackle, ‘who’s your daddy now?’ before they bite!”

# # #

In other news, Google launches new search UI, resulting in billions of searches for “What is UI?”

Sent via iPhone.

Posted via email from invisiblegaijin

(Photo Credit: Los Guys Japan G.K.)

Posted via email from invisiblegaijin

(Photo Credit: Los Guys Japan G.K.)

shink11

Tokyo Metropolitan Police today announced the second arrest in the widely-publicized-thus-less-effective-than-it-would-have-been-if-it-was-a-complete-surprise anti-train groper campaign that was launched earlier this week.

Aho Bakatare, a 49-year-old self-professed “mama’s boy,” was arrested when he was caught in the act of fondling the wheels of a Shinkansen train as it was leaving Tokyo Station, cutting off most of his fingers.

Bakatare has admitted his crimes, confessing, “The wheels were shiny and new, curvaceous, so hard like steel yet lush and ripe. Once I started touching the rims, I couldn’t stop myself, I had to touch the wheels. The train didn’t say anything so I thought it was okay.”

The alleged victim, Nozomi 69, cried, “I was shocked. I felt so unclean. Was it my fault? Now I all want is to squash the bastard under my steel wheels repeatedly until he’s toast, or mochi, depending upon your cultural preferences.”

JR East officials commented, “We’re still working out the details but we are seriously considering rush-hour ‘Train-Only Trains’ to stop train groping in its tracks.”

# # #

In other news, Crasher Squirrel denied allegations of train groping, commenting, “Hey, I was just looking for a place to hide my nuts!”

The original 59 Ways to Tell if You’re a Gaijin, not a Gaikokujin list received a number of comments, including insightful observations and some great contributions from readers:

  1. You start stereotyping foreigners as other Japanese do. (Credit: Teltel)
  2. You fall asleep in the train and always wake up just before the station you have to get off. (Credit: Thorsten)
  3. When Japanese riding the trains no longer avoid sitting next to you. (Credit: CCJapan)
  4. When you go back to your home country and are shocked that the staff working minimum wage jobs are so rude and have no sense of pride in what they are do. (Credit: CCJapan)
  5. When you used to be annoyed when school kids yelled “Hallo, how aw you?” but now you answer back and test them to see how far they can take the conversation. (Credit: CCJapan)
  6. When you feel the first drops of rain and worry about whether or not you have clothes hanging outside. (Credit: CCJapan)
  7. When you instantly know if you are eating quality rice or not.
 (Credit: CCJapan)
  8. When you realize that no one is actually buying those ¥10,000 melons and eating them. (Credit: CCJapan)
  9. You know when to leave your house with an umbrella and when not to (figured out the tenkiyoho). (Credit: Mirai)

Readers also pointed out that not all gaijin speak English, are from the U.S., or live in big cities like Tokyo, which led to some new lists of Ways to Tell if You’re a Gaijin.

Six Ways to tell if you’re an American Gaijin

  1. You insist upon speaking English to all Caucasian gaijin even if they only speak French, German, Spanish, Russian, or Tunisian.
  2. You’ve walked up to a black person and said, “hey, what’s up, bro?” in your best hip-hop accent and were shocked when they replied in a proper British accent.
  3. You’ve made a really big deal out of giving your seat to Obaasan or Ojiisan on the train/subway.
  4. You insist American baseball is superior to Japanese yakyu.
  5. You have no clue that Japan has the 4th largest defense budget in the world, most of it paying for U.S. military bases in Japan.
  6. You like to believe there’s a secret conspiracy of Japanese politicians, bureaucrats, corporate executives, bar girls, UFOs, and Freemasons out to get you personally.

Three Ways to tell if you’re an Australian Gaijin

  1. You teach nihonjin friends useful phrases like, “how about another slab of bee-yah, mate?” at 4 a.m. in the morning.
  2. You wish there was a place to get a decent meat pie at 4:30 a.m. in the morning.
  3. You always wish you had brought more Barocca tablets with you at 5:00 a.m. in the morning.

Five Ways to tell if you’re a Furyo Gaijin

  1. You speak Japanese fluently but have pretended you can’t when the NHK guy comes around … for the past 15 years.
  2. You speak Japanese fluently but pretend you can’t when the police stop you for speeding … and it’s videotaped. (see: http://www.japanprobe.com/?p=12503)
  3. You carry a pocketknife with a blade that is exactly 2.51 cm in length.
  4. You secretly read those salaryman porno manga and like it.
  5. You’ve deliberately thrown out moeru gomi on moenai gomi day because you know the neighborhood obasan are afraid of you.

Four Ways to tell if you’re an Inaka Gaijin

  1. You can only speak Japanese in a regional dialect that big city gaijin don’t understand.
  2. You regularly enjoy foods that would freak out most big city gaijin.
  3. You’ve never been to Roppongi but you know where to find the local equivalent.
  4. You still get a kick out of the school kids running around you saying, “Hello! Hello!”

Four Ways to tell if you’re a Japanese Gaijin

  1. You’re Japanese but many times you feel more comfortable speaking English with non-Japanese friends.
  2. You have advanced degrees from the best universities outside of Japan but you are still shy about mentioning it lest others think you’re boasting.
  3. The McDonald Japan “Mr. James” character reminds you of at least one of your gaijin friends.
  4. You realize that these lists of gaijin stereotypes are actually Japanese stereotypes seen from a gaijin perspective … and they make you laugh.

Four Ways to tell if you’re a Non-Japanese Asian or Asian-American Gaijin

  1. Gaijin insist upon speaking to you in Japanese even after you’ve explained you were born somewhere else.
  2. Nihonjin insist upon speaking to you in Japanese, especially when you’re with a crowd of non-Asian gaijin.
  3. Gaijin always compliment you on your flawless English, which is slightly irritating since it’s your native tongue.
  4. You’re Asian-American but pretend to be a “Japanese who speaks English very fluently” when meeting Americans at the American Club just because it’s easier than explaining.

Twelve Ways to tell if you’re a Hypocritical Gaijin

  1. You refer to yourself as gaijin but you’re offended when Japanese use anything but gaikokujin.
  2. You insist that your home country’s democracy is superior to that in Japan but you haven’t voted in your country’s elections for years.
  3. You think the McDonalds “Mr. James” character perpetuates stereotypes but you’ve gotten paid to be the gaijin priest at Japanese weddings.
  4. You’re sensitive to any hint of discrimination against gaijin but start conversations with gaijin friends with “why do the Japanese …”
  5. You continually whine about how bad your life in Japan is but you keep living in Japan year after year.
  6. You expect to get paid more than Japanese people for the same work and twice as much if the work involves a gaijin language.
  7. You make a big fuss about Japanese stereotypes of gaijin but you do a fabulous impersonation of your Japanese boss.
  8. You secretly look down on other gaijin who are not from your country/culture.
  9. You’ve got a secret stash of Japanese porn on your PC.
  10. You’re on a fully loaded ex-pat package and look down on Japanese-speaking gaijin who work at Japanese companies for a living.
  11. You loudly proclaim Japanese TV sucks but that’s only because you’ve forgotten how bad TV back home can be.
  12. You’ve cheated on your Japan taxes and your home country taxes.

Ten Ways to tell if you’re Ijiwaru Gaijin

  1. When Japanese people knock on your door bearing religious treatises, you try to convert them.
  2. You’ve inserted an “Engrish” phrase into a document just because you knew no one would notice.
  3. You’ve secretly taken photographs of male pattern baldness on the subway or train.
  4. You’ve eaten three times your norm at the all-you-can-eat buffet just because you can.
  5. You’ve farted silently on a crowded train but made faces like the salaryman next to you did it.
  6. You’ve gotten into the o-furo without washing first.
  7. You’ve sprayed water all over the toilet by hitting the wrong button on the Washlet but pretended like you didn’t do it.
  8. You’ve pushed the button that makes the flushing sound in public toilets twice as many times as necessary just to be funny.
  9. You’ve taken photographs in places where the signs clearly say, “No Photography” because you knew the security ojisan wasn’t going to do anything.
  10. You delight in reading/writing obscure kanji that your Japanese friends can’t.

Two Ways to tell if you’re a Male Gaijin

  1. You’ve been molested by a chikan on a crowded train/subway but no one will believe you.
  2. You believe Japanese condoms are too small for your gaijin maleness but they’re not.

# # #

The original 59 Ways to Tell if You’re a Gaijin, not a Gaikokujin list received a number of comments, including insightful observations and some great contributions from readers:

  1. You start stereotyping foreigners as other Japanese do. (Credit: Teltel)
  2. You fall asleep in the train and always wake up just before the station you have to get off. (Credit: Thorsten)
  3. When Japanese riding the trains no longer avoid sitting next to you. (Credit: CCJapan)
  4. When you go back to your home country and are shocked that the staff working minimum wage jobs are so rude and have no sense of pride in what they are do. (Credit: CCJapan)
  5. When you used to be annoyed when school kids yelled “Hallo, how aw you?” but now you answer back and test them to see how far they can take the conversation. (Credit: CCJapan)
  6. When you feel the first drops of rain and worry about whether or not you have clothes hanging outside. (Credit: CCJapan)
  7. When you instantly know if you are eating quality rice or not.
 (Credit: CCJapan)
  8. When you realize that no one is actually buying those ¥10,000 melons and eating them. (Credit: CCJapan)
  9. You know when to leave your house with an umbrella and when not to (figured out the tenkiyoho). (Credit: Mirai)

Readers also pointed out that not all gaijin speak English, are from the U.S., or live in big cities like Tokyo, which led to some new lists of Ways to Tell if You’re a Gaijin.

Six Ways to tell if you’re an American Gaijin

  1. You insist upon speaking English to all Caucasian gaijin even if they only speak French, German, Spanish, Russian, or Tunisian.
  2. You’ve walked up to a black person and said, “hey, what’s up, bro?” in your best hip-hop accent and were shocked when they replied in a proper British accent.
  3. You’ve made a really big deal out of giving your seat to Obaasan or Ojiisan on the train/subway.
  4. You insist American baseball is superior to Japanese yakyu.
  5. You have no clue that Japan has the 4th largest defense budget in the world, most of it paying for U.S. military bases in Japan.
  6. You like to believe there’s a secret conspiracy of Japanese politicians, bureaucrats, corporate executives, bar girls, UFOs, and Freemasons out to get you personally.

Three Ways to tell if you’re an Australian Gaijin

  1. You teach nihonjin friends useful phrases like, “how about another slab of bee-yah, mate?” at 4 a.m. in the morning.
  2. You wish there was a place to get a decent meat pie at 4:30 a.m. in the morning.
  3. You always wish you had brought more Barocca tablets with you at 5:00 a.m. in the morning.

Five Ways to tell if you’re a Furyo Gaijin

  1. You speak Japanese fluently but have pretended you can’t when the NHK guy comes around … for the past 15 years.
  2. You speak Japanese fluently but pretend you can’t when the police stop you for speeding … and it’s videotaped. (see: http://www.japanprobe.com/?p=12503)
  3. You carry a pocketknife with a blade that is exactly 2.51 cm in length.
  4. You secretly read those salaryman porno manga and like it.
  5. You’ve deliberately thrown out moeru gomi on moenai gomi day because you know the neighborhood obasan are afraid of you.

Four Ways to tell if you’re an Inaka Gaijin

  1. You can only speak Japanese in a regional dialect that big city gaijin don’t understand.
  2. You regularly enjoy foods that would freak out most big city gaijin.
  3. You’ve never been to Roppongi but you know where to find the local equivalent.
  4. You still get a kick out of the school kids running around you saying, “Hello! Hello!”

Four Ways to tell if you’re a Japanese Gaijin

  1. You’re Japanese but many times you feel more comfortable speaking English with non-Japanese friends.
  2. You have advanced degrees from the best universities outside of Japan but you are still shy about mentioning it lest others think you’re boasting.
  3. The McDonald Japan “Mr. James” character reminds you of at least one of your gaijin friends.
  4. You realize that these lists of gaijin stereotypes are actually Japanese stereotypes seen from a gaijin perspective … and they make you laugh.

Four Ways to tell if you’re a Non-Japanese Asian or Asian-American Gaijin

  1. Gaijin insist upon speaking to you in Japanese even after you’ve explained you were born somewhere else.
  2. Nihonjin insist upon speaking to you in Japanese, especially when you’re with a crowd of non-Asian gaijin.
  3. Gaijin always compliment you on your flawless English, which is slightly irritating since it’s your native tongue.
  4. You’re Asian-American but pretend to be a “Japanese who speaks English very fluently” when meeting Americans at the American Club just because it’s easier than explaining.

Twelve Ways to tell if you’re a Hypocritical Gaijin

  1. You refer to yourself as gaijin but you’re offended when Japanese use anything but gaikokujin.
  2. You insist that your home country’s democracy is superior to that in Japan but you haven’t voted in your country’s elections for years.
  3. You think the McDonalds “Mr. James” character perpetuates stereotypes but you’ve gotten paid to be the gaijin priest at Japanese weddings.
  4. You’re sensitive to any hint of discrimination against gaijin but start conversations with gaijin friends with “why do the Japanese …”
  5. You continually whine about how bad your life in Japan is but you keep living in Japan year after year.
  6. You expect to get paid more than Japanese people for the same work and twice as much if the work involves a gaijin language.
  7. You make a big fuss about Japanese stereotypes of gaijin but you do a fabulous impersonation of your Japanese boss.
  8. You secretly look down on other gaijin who are not from your country/culture.
  9. You’ve got a secret stash of Japanese porn on your PC.
  10. You’re on a fully loaded ex-pat package and look down on Japanese-speaking gaijin who work at Japanese companies for a living.
  11. You loudly proclaim Japanese TV sucks but that’s only because you’ve forgotten how bad TV back home can be.
  12. You’ve cheated on your Japan taxes and your home country taxes.

Ten Ways to tell if you’re Ijiwaru Gaijin

  1. When Japanese people knock on your door bearing religious treatises, you try to convert them.
  2. You’ve inserted an “Engrish” phrase into a document just because you knew no one would notice.
  3. You’ve secretly taken photographs of male pattern baldness on the subway or train.
  4. You’ve eaten three times your norm at the all-you-can-eat buffet just because you can.
  5. You’ve farted silently on a crowded train but made faces like the salaryman next to you did it.
  6. You’ve gotten into the o-furo without washing first.
  7. You’ve sprayed water all over the toilet by hitting the wrong button on the Washlet but pretended like you didn’t do it.
  8. You’ve pushed the button that makes the flushing sound in public toilets twice as many times as necessary just to be funny.
  9. You’ve taken photographs in places where the signs clearly say, “No Photography” because you knew the security ojisan wasn’t going to do anything.
  10. You delight in reading/writing obscure kanji that your Japanese friends can’t.

Two Ways to tell if you’re a Male Gaijin

  1. You’ve been molested by a chikan on a crowded train/subway but no one will believe you.
  2. You believe Japanese condoms are too small for your gaijin maleness but they’re not.

# # #

  1. You call yourself gaijin because you know it pisses off the newbie gaikokujin.
  2. You bow repeatedly when talking on the phone.
  3. You offer your business card before shaking hands with a visitor from overseas.
  4. You prefer Japanese Big Macs to American Big Macs.
  5. You can sing enka perfectly but Japanese colleagues still ask you to sing “Country Road” at karaoke.
  6. You freak out folks back home when you take off your shoes at the door.
  7. You automatically duck your head when exiting the subway.
  8. You ignore other gaijin, especially the tourists who make eye contact and smile.
  9. You have pretended you don’t speak English at least three times.
  10. You fold the paper wrapper for the chopsticks to make a neat little stand.
  11. You put chopsticks back into the paper wrapper AND rewrap the rubber band around the bento box when you’re done.
  12. You keep expecting restaurants back home to give you a nice hot towel at the beginning of every meal.
  13. You watch Sho-ten, Chibi-Maruko, then Sazae-san on TV every Sunday.
  14. You no longer wonder why Americans have such large asses.
  15. You still wonder why Japanese don’t have any asses.
  16. You recycle plastic bottles, meat trays, cardboard, and milk cartons.
  17. You have run outside and bought a yaki-imo during the winter.
  18. You find the McDonalds Mr. James stereotype to be mildly amusing and not worth getting upset over.
  19. You can name at least 23 Japanese prefectures.
  20. You have climbed Mt. Fuji more than once.
  21. You sympathize with gaijin tarento on TV even if you find their gei unfunny.
  22. You have impressed Japanese friends with a senryu, kotowaza, or yojijukugo once too many times.
  23. You frequent at least three izakaya where everybody knows your name.
  24. You avoid the American Club like the plague.
  25. You know everybody’s name at Tokyo 2.0 and CGM Night.
  26. You can tell jokes in Japanese that actually make Japanese people laugh.
  27. You can read/write kanji your Japanese friends can’t.
  28. You save the plastic bags from the supermarket to use as trash bags.
  29. You shake your head when you see people put out moenai gomi on moeru gomi day.
  30. You actually like natto, shirako, sazae-no-tsuboyaki, kusaya, or shiokara.
  31. You have a favorite brand of Japanese sake, shochu, or beer.
  32. You avoid Roppongi because they are too many gaijin.
  33. You have been inside one of those “oppai momi-momi” places in Roppongi.
  34. You think self-proclaimed otaku you meet online are just silly.
  35. You have carried a mikoshi at a local matsuri or danced at obon.
  36. You have published at least three photos of “Engrish” signs on your blog.
  37. You have a sake story, just as you have a tequila story.
  38. You have carried a co-worker onbu-style after a company party at least three times.
  39. You know which vending machines have the best prices.
  40. You are friends with all the obasan in the neighborhood and they always compliment your nihongo.
  41. You go to the gym and stoically pretend not to notice Japanese staring at your private parts.
  42. You bathe twice as much here than you used to back home.
  43. You prefer Japanese junk food to the stuff you can get back home.
  44. You go back home on vacation but wonder why things don’t work like they do in Japan.
  45. You know the back-story of Hachiko in Shibuya.
  46. You never miss the last train no matter how drunk you get.
  47. Japanese people are shocked to discover you’re gaijin when they meet you for the first time in person.
  48. You can do a passable regional dialect.
  49. You can name at least 17 Sumo waza.
  50. You can explain the difference between Kanto and Kansai styles of unagi.
  51. You have been to Nikko and can say kekko.
  52. You cry watching Japanese dramas on TV but never admit it to gaijin friends.
  53. You have at least three books on Japan/Japanese culture that you bought but never read.
  54. You have been inside the gates of the Imperial Palace on the Emperor’s birthday or oshogatsu.
  55. You don’t bother commenting on stupid blog entries about weird Japan.
  56. You know the difference between okonomi-yaki and monja-yaki.
  57. You no longer try to explain why you choose to live in Japan to friends back home.
  58. You think Tamori is funnier than Sanma.
  59. You think, “I should have written that,” when reading a weird Japan story in the New York Times

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Bigots and Baguettes. You’ll find both in Tokyo.

Bigots come in all colors.

Gaijin who are convinced the Japanese are little children who need tough love from their colonial masters. Ah, the white man’s burden.

Nihonjin who are equally convinced Gaijin are teenagers with guns who must be placated lest they go postal on everyone, disrupting the “wa” of society. Leave that to the unemployed, under-employed, otaku-outsiders, or any other Nihonjin who dares to be different.

News media who inflame the racist in all of us. Gaijin-baiting remains an avocation of certain media – and the Gaijin fall for it every time.

Politicians who think they can score easy points with the “we the Japanese” riff – until nihongo-speaking Gaijin tip off the New York Times. Ah, gomensai.

Advertising that hammers the consumer with messages like “Gaijin use this product, it must be good!” 新登場 indeed.

And, of course, there are baguettes. Ah, les baguettes!

There are more French bakeries per square kilometer in Tokyo than in Paris. Some of the best baguettes in the world are baked here.

You can even get Baguettes in Bigot Bags!

I love this place.