TAIJI, Japan (IG News) — Dolphins are secretly preparing hundreds of torpedoes camouflaged as dolphins to thwart both Hollywood filmmakers and Japanese fishermen as the annual dolphin hunt, wet t-shirt contest, and beach barbecue gets underway in “The Cove” in Taiji, Japan.“Oscars? We don’t need no stinkin’ Oscars!” cackled Furripa Iruka, head of the All-Japan Dolphin LIberation League, “Hollywood killed Flipper in the first place!” “Dolphins are endangered, filled with mercury, and have bigger winkies than the average Tea Party member’s member!” said Dick “Dick” Dickens, head of the Obama Ain’t President Because He’s a Muslim Witch Society. “The consumption tax on dolphins must be increased now,” intoned Japanese prime minister Naoto ‘Kick the’ Kan, “Japan needs more money to defend the Maritime Self-Defense Forces from renegade fishing boats, as well as crashing into each other.” “Can’t we all just get along?,” implored Kim Jong-il, Dear Leader of North Korea, “if not, you will be engulfed in a sea of flames when young Kim Jong-un lights my hair on fire!” ### In other news, the Nobel Peace Prize has been awarded to Wile E. Coyote for his unceasing efforts to bring a peaceful end to the long-standing territorial dispute with rebel scum the Road Runner.
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The Japanese government today announced that Japan’s economy was just having a “mild and temporal deflation” and, no worries, would definitely perform turgidly after a good night’s sleep and a Viagra.
Government spokesperson, Unko Tappuri, busted loose and gushed, “Prices are going down, so now consumers save more by buying more! Whooya! Your Government never lies!”
Nichigin (Bank of Japan) spokesperson, Cho Jijiikusai, intoned solemnly, “waga nihon no economy is picking up so go into debt now – at today’s low rate, you can’t afford not to!”
The Japanese people, including the Gaijin who live here permanently like it or not, rose as one in protest and, invoking Joe Wilson, spoke in one voice, “YOU LIE!” Then proceeded to hang all politico-bastards and bureaucratic eunuchs, trash the Imperial Palace but not the Emperor, and hold their breath until their faces turned blue.
As Japan slipped back into the chaotic anarchy of the Warring States period circa the mid-15th century to mid-17th century, the Democratic Party of Japan delivered on its “manifesto” promise of per-child cash subsidiaries with the bonus act of legalizing polygamy for men over 60 and women under 30 only.
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In other news, Hello Kitty denied allegations she had undergone mouth restoration surgery, emphatically mumbling, “umm, nhm, gnrmn!!!”
Tarao “Tara-chan” Fuguta, the six-year-old boy feared to be aboard a flyaway dorayaki-shaped balloon, was found safe hiding in the attic of the Isono family home in the Asahigaoka area of Tokyo.
The tale of the “balloon boy” captivated and titillated Japanese audiences on an otherwise slow news day when no talento were arrested for drugs, naked dancing, or criminal lack of talent.
“Tara-chan,” one of the stars of the reality TV show, “Sazae-san,” got sick twice after blurting out “you said we did it for a show!” to his father, Masuo-niisan, when grilled by Tamori on a live broadcast of “Waratte Ii Tomo.”
The balloon boy’s mother, Sazae “Sazae-san” Fuguta, has confessed to the hoax, saying, “The network blames the show’s falling ratings on my sagging cartoon boobs. Even Masuo-niisan doesn’t want me like he used to. I was desperate for attention.”
The saga ended when the balloon crashed at Saga Airport and rescuers were shocked to find in the wreckage, not a little boy, but Crasher Squirrel, the long-forgotten internet meme, who commented, “This story should be about me, me, ME – I’m an internet meme, ha-hah-HAH!”
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In other news, fashion magazine Pinky announced it would suspend publication at yearend, stating, “Young women just aren’t interested in little fingers anymore.”
- You start stereotyping foreigners as other Japanese do. (Credit: Teltel)
- You fall asleep in the train and always wake up just before the station you have to get off. (Credit: Thorsten)
- When Japanese riding the trains no longer avoid sitting next to you. (Credit: CCJapan)
- When you go back to your home country and are shocked that the staff working minimum wage jobs are so rude and have no sense of pride in what they are do. (Credit: CCJapan)
- When you used to be annoyed when school kids yelled “Hallo, how aw you?” but now you answer back and test them to see how far they can take the conversation. (Credit: CCJapan)
- When you feel the first drops of rain and worry about whether or not you have clothes hanging outside. (Credit: CCJapan)
- When you instantly know if you are eating quality rice or not. (Credit: CCJapan)
- When you realize that no one is actually buying those ¥10,000 melons and eating them. (Credit: CCJapan)
- You know when to leave your house with an umbrella and when not to (figured out the tenkiyoho). (Credit: Mirai)
Readers also pointed out that not all gaijin speak English, are from the U.S., or live in big cities like Tokyo, which led to some new lists of Ways to Tell if You’re a Gaijin.
Six Ways to tell if you’re an American Gaijin
- You insist upon speaking English to all Caucasian gaijin even if they only speak French, German, Spanish, Russian, or Tunisian.
- You’ve walked up to a black person and said, “hey, what’s up, bro?” in your best hip-hop accent and were shocked when they replied in a proper British accent.
- You’ve made a really big deal out of giving your seat to Obaasan or Ojiisan on the train/subway.
- You insist American baseball is superior to Japanese yakyu.
- You have no clue that Japan has the 4th largest defense budget in the world, most of it paying for U.S. military bases in Japan.
- You like to believe there’s a secret conspiracy of Japanese politicians, bureaucrats, corporate executives, bar girls, UFOs, and Freemasons out to get you personally.
Three Ways to tell if you’re an Australian Gaijin
- You teach nihonjin friends useful phrases like, “how about another slab of bee-yah, mate?” at 4 a.m. in the morning.
- You wish there was a place to get a decent meat pie at 4:30 a.m. in the morning.
- You always wish you had brought more Barocca tablets with you at 5:00 a.m. in the morning.
Five Ways to tell if you’re a Furyo Gaijin
- You speak Japanese fluently but have pretended you can’t when the NHK guy comes around … for the past 15 years.
- You speak Japanese fluently but pretend you can’t when the police stop you for speeding … and it’s videotaped. (see: http://www.japanprobe.com/?p=12503)
- You carry a pocketknife with a blade that is exactly 2.51 cm in length.
- You secretly read those salaryman porno manga and like it.
- You’ve deliberately thrown out moeru gomi on moenai gomi day because you know the neighborhood obasan are afraid of you.
Four Ways to tell if you’re an Inaka Gaijin
- You can only speak Japanese in a regional dialect that big city gaijin don’t understand.
- You regularly enjoy foods that would freak out most big city gaijin.
- You’ve never been to Roppongi but you know where to find the local equivalent.
- You still get a kick out of the school kids running around you saying, “Hello! Hello!”
Four Ways to tell if you’re a Japanese Gaijin
- You’re Japanese but many times you feel more comfortable speaking English with non-Japanese friends.
- You have advanced degrees from the best universities outside of Japan but you are still shy about mentioning it lest others think you’re boasting.
- The McDonald Japan “Mr. James” character reminds you of at least one of your gaijin friends.
- You realize that these lists of gaijin stereotypes are actually Japanese stereotypes seen from a gaijin perspective … and they make you laugh.
Four Ways to tell if you’re a Non-Japanese Asian or Asian-American Gaijin
- Gaijin insist upon speaking to you in Japanese even after you’ve explained you were born somewhere else.
- Nihonjin insist upon speaking to you in Japanese, especially when you’re with a crowd of non-Asian gaijin.
- Gaijin always compliment you on your flawless English, which is slightly irritating since it’s your native tongue.
- You’re Asian-American but pretend to be a “Japanese who speaks English very fluently” when meeting Americans at the American Club just because it’s easier than explaining.
Twelve Ways to tell if you’re a Hypocritical Gaijin
- You refer to yourself as gaijin but you’re offended when Japanese use anything but gaikokujin.
- You insist that your home country’s democracy is superior to that in Japan but you haven’t voted in your country’s elections for years.
- You think the McDonalds “Mr. James” character perpetuates stereotypes but you’ve gotten paid to be the gaijin priest at Japanese weddings.
- You’re sensitive to any hint of discrimination against gaijin but start conversations with gaijin friends with “why do the Japanese …”
- You continually whine about how bad your life in Japan is but you keep living in Japan year after year.
- You expect to get paid more than Japanese people for the same work and twice as much if the work involves a gaijin language.
- You make a big fuss about Japanese stereotypes of gaijin but you do a fabulous impersonation of your Japanese boss.
- You secretly look down on other gaijin who are not from your country/culture.
- You’ve got a secret stash of Japanese porn on your PC.
- You’re on a fully loaded ex-pat package and look down on Japanese-speaking gaijin who work at Japanese companies for a living.
- You loudly proclaim Japanese TV sucks but that’s only because you’ve forgotten how bad TV back home can be.
- You’ve cheated on your Japan taxes and your home country taxes.
Ten Ways to tell if you’re Ijiwaru Gaijin
- When Japanese people knock on your door bearing religious treatises, you try to convert them.
- You’ve inserted an “Engrish” phrase into a document just because you knew no one would notice.
- You’ve secretly taken photographs of male pattern baldness on the subway or train.
- You’ve eaten three times your norm at the all-you-can-eat buffet just because you can.
- You’ve farted silently on a crowded train but made faces like the salaryman next to you did it.
- You’ve gotten into the o-furo without washing first.
- You’ve sprayed water all over the toilet by hitting the wrong button on the Washlet but pretended like you didn’t do it.
- You’ve pushed the button that makes the flushing sound in public toilets twice as many times as necessary just to be funny.
- You’ve taken photographs in places where the signs clearly say, “No Photography” because you knew the security ojisan wasn’t going to do anything.
- You delight in reading/writing obscure kanji that your Japanese friends can’t.
Two Ways to tell if you’re a Male Gaijin
- You’ve been molested by a chikan on a crowded train/subway but no one will believe you.
- You believe Japanese condoms are too small for your gaijin maleness but they’re not.
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In a last-ditch effort to retain power, Japan’s Prime Minister, Taro “Dick” Aso, invoked the wildly popular internet meme, “Crasher Squirrel,” as voters go to the polls today to throw the bastards and old farts out.
Campaigning at the Harajuku Super-Yosakoi Extreme Matsuri, Aso said, “Who you gonna trust with the reins of power in Japan? Who’s gonna protect you and your family? Who’s gonna build an anime/manga/otaku museum? Me and this squirrel, that’s who!”
In rebuttal, Democratic Party of Japan leader, Yukio “The Bird” Hatoyama, scoffed, “If you think Japan’s voters will be swayed by a squirrel, you’re wrong – they want empty promises, not internet memes.”
Outspoken species-rights advocate, Arubaito Debuhito, screeched, “I am outraged at this exploitation of species stereotypes for political purposes. Everyone knows squirrels are not cute fuzzy little animals, they are vicious exploiters of defenseless nuts.”
Asked for comment, Crasher Squirrel said, “I’m a Libertarian but when they offered me peanuts from Chiba, well, I just had to say yes, you know?”
Bigots and Baguettes. You’ll find both in Tokyo.
Bigots come in all colors.
Gaijin who are convinced the Japanese are little children who need tough love from their colonial masters. Ah, the white man’s burden.
Nihonjin who are equally convinced Gaijin are teenagers with guns who must be placated lest they go postal on everyone, disrupting the “wa” of society. Leave that to the unemployed, under-employed, otaku-outsiders, or any other Nihonjin who dares to be different.
News media who inflame the racist in all of us. Gaijin-baiting remains an avocation of certain media – and the Gaijin fall for it every time.
Politicians who think they can score easy points with the “we the Japanese” riff – until nihongo-speaking Gaijin tip off the New York Times. Ah, gomensai.
Advertising that hammers the consumer with messages like “Gaijin use this product, it must be good!” 新登場 indeed.
And, of course, there are baguettes. Ah, les baguettes!
There are more French bakeries per square kilometer in Tokyo than in Paris. Some of the best baguettes in the world are baked here.
You can even get Baguettes in Bigot Bags!
I love this place.