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Tag Archives: Tiger Woods

YOMAMA, Biyachi Preference (IG News) — A local man in samurai costume begins his backwards-horsetop-descent down a steep hill during the Gyaku-Uma-Sagari festival in Yomama, Biyachi Prefecture on May 6, 2010.

「おおおう!しっと!」 cried Hontowa Gei invoking a centuries-old ritual before tumbling down the hill repeatedly in front of friends, family, and people with being-crushed-by-horses fetishes.

About 100,000 people attended the traditional event, which is designated as a intangible cultural asset despite the absence of phallic objects or any connection with Tiger Woods.

“I’m getting too old for this shit,” sighed Naisu Ojisandayo, celebrating his 70th year as the event’s official nice-old-guy-in-white-cap, “young guys always piss their fundoshi and expect me to clean up. I get no respect!”

Event officials denied any cruelty to the horses, “Au Contraire, Mon Frère! The horses get a big kick out of crushing young guys to death. It’s an unique equine cultural practice that we don’t presume to judge.”

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In other news, Martians say no to relocation of Futenma air station.

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In other news, Japan’s GDP drops 5% as everyone stops work to watch Asada Mao.

Posted via email from invisiblegaijin

(Photo: Shinto Shrine Maidens preparing to be sacrificed at the annual “Tiger Woods’ Woodie Juice” matsuri festival in Ookii Chinpoko, Kintama Prefecture.)

JAPAN (IG News)–Pocari Sweat, famed for being named after a bodily coolant, launched a new line of sexual energy drinks inspired by Tiger Woods and tag-lined “Is it on you?” in a nod to Japanese facial preferences.

Coca-Cola Japan, purveyor of the finest addictive beverages, counter-attacked  December 7th, a day that shall live in infamy, with Coke(tm) Lobotomy Lube(R) in a Facebook-cloned social media campaign called “Remember Red Pearl Necklaces!”

“I scream, you scream, we all es cream for Tiger Woods’ Woodie Juice,” gushed Shrine Maidens Perky Oppai and Shirigaru Onna, who then whined gutturally in their best moe voices, “Onii-chan (older brother) please touch me nau \{>v<};/<< orz<3 >> EOT.”

Dancing ST-HO @TandyChews BIMHO commented “Once Otaku, Never Bakufu” channeling Chushingura, the epic tale of futile revenge in a blaze of glory ending in ritual group suicide in Nippon.

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In other news, Sexy Girls in the Crowd Go Wild.


TOKYO — The Japanese people are busy preparing for celebrate 2010 as the “Year of Tiger Woods” including traditional fertility festivals featuring o-mikoshi mobile penis shrine parades.

“The new year, 2010, will be the year of the Tiger in the traditional lunar calendar,” explained Shinto priest Ookii Chinpoko, “and the Tiger is the symbol of power, virility, and compulsive shagging.”

Kawaii! I bet that shaft is stiff yet controllable,” cackled Ecchina Obasan, “and the over-sized head will surely hit my sweet spot but good.”

PR spokesperson for corporate sponsor Sagami Rubber Co., Ltd. Perky Oppai panted, “Tiger Woods is the prefect pitchman for our new line of ‘Huge’ condoms.”

Sports drink maker Pocari Sweat announced a new line of sexual energy drinks called, “Tiger Woods’ Woodie Juice” with the slogan, “Is it on you?” in a nod to Japanese cultural preferences.

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In other news, Japanese prime minster Yukio Hatoyama announced his decision to take an “indefinite” leave from making any decisions on anything.

Posted via email from invisiblegaijin

2009’s kanji 新 (shin) or “new” + Hatoyama’s 絆 (kizuna) or “relationship” =「新絆」or “new relationships” as in Tiger Woods.

2009’s kanji 新 (shin) or “new” + Hatoyama’s 絆 (kizuna) or “relationship” =「新絆」or “new relationships” as in Tiger Woods.

Posted via email from invisiblegaijin

WINDERMERE, Fla. — Orange County firefighters responded to a medical call at the residence of Tiger Woods on Tuesday morning.
The call was received at 2:36 a.m.
Aerial photography shows what appears to be a gigantic white arrow stuck in Tiger Woods’ $2.6 million house.
Orange County Fire officials were unable to disclose further information about the incident except to say, “Dang, that’s a big arrow.”
Last week, Woods issued a statement saying he had let his family down with unspecified “transgressions with Japanese animated characters” that he regrets with “all of my heart.” He did not elaborate.
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In other news, @invisiblegaijin has entered the Noriko Sakai Center for the Treatment of Self-Retweeting Addiction.

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USO Magazine, popularly known in Japan as “Uso-Jin,” today released putative photos of Tiger Woods’ alleged mistresses #13~#17, quoting a purported transcript of a rumored voicemail from Tiger Woods to #13, “Yes, you’re all my bitches but I loves you best. Huge.”

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In other news, Japanese golf sensation, Ryo Ishikawa, expressed his dream to one day win all the majors, earn gazillion dollars from commercial endorsements, get married to a beautiful white woman, and then have affairs with massage girls from the streets of Roppongi, skanky kyaba-kura hostesses, and soapland assisted-bathing workers.

Posted via email from invisiblegaijin

Fune Isono, mother of famed Japanese TV star Sazae-san, admitted Sunday that she was the rumored fifth mistress of golfer Tiger Woods.
“I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves,” said the mother of three children, “but Tiger is, well, a tiger in the futon. Woof-woof!”
“I have no comment,” said husband Namihei Isono, “but the reason you haven’t heard about Paris Hilton lately is ‘cuz I got ‘cher matsutake right here baby! Woo-hoo!” channeling Michael Jackson’s crotch-grabbing move.
Ponyo, the little fish girl who admitted Saturday she had an affair with Tiger Woods, cried “My friends said inter-species love wouldn’t work out and they were right. I’m now doing Nemo.”
“I’d do Tiger and twist his fundoshi into knots,” said the world’s oldest woman, 114-year-old Kama Chinen of Okinawa, Japan, “and I assert Hatoyama must review the Japan-US Security Treaty in light of post-Cold War reality.”
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In other news, hybrids grew to 9.7% of new automobile sales in November, while mutants increased to 23.7%.

Posted via email from invisiblegaijin

Ponyo, the little fish girl with the incredibly irritating theme song, revealed today that she had an affair with Tiger Woods for 31 months.

“Tiger said we’d be together forever,” cried Ponyo, “but he dumped me for a skanky cocktail waitress.”

InvisibleGaijin has obtained a voicemail message left by Woods on Ponyo’s mobile phone.

“Ponyo? Hey, it’s Tiger. I need you to do me a huge favor. Can you please take your name off your keitai? My wife went through my keitai and may be calling you. So if you can, please take your name off that. Just have it as a number on the voicemail. You got to do this for me. Huge. Quickly. Ja-ne, Bye-Bye.”

Accenture, one of Woods’ largest endorsement contracts, launched a new print advertisement to capitalize on the publicity.

Asked for comment, Kodomo Tencho merely smiled and said, “Everyone should be gay, as in light-hearted and carefree!”

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In other news, Tiger Woods has changed his legal first name from “Eldrick” to “El Dick” to more accurately reflect his true passion in life.

Posted via email from invisiblegaijin