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Tag Archives: The Cove

TAIJI, Japan (IG News) — Dolphins are secretly preparing hundreds of torpedoes camouflaged as dolphins to thwart both Hollywood filmmakers and Japanese fishermen as the annual dolphin hunt, wet t-shirt contest, and beach barbecue gets underway in “The Cove” in Taiji, Japan.

“Oscars? We don’t need no stinkin’ Oscars!” cackled Furripa Iruka, head of the All-Japan Dolphin LIberation League, “Hollywood killed Flipper in the first place!”

“Dolphins are endangered, filled with mercury, and have bigger winkies than the average Tea Party member’s member!” said Dick “Dick” Dickens, head of the Obama Ain’t President Because He’s a Muslim Witch Society.

“The consumption tax on dolphins must be increased now,” intoned Japanese prime minister Naoto ‘Kick the’ Kan, “Japan needs more money to defend the Maritime Self-Defense Forces from renegade fishing boats, as well as crashing into each other.”

“Can’t we all just get along?,” implored Kim Jong-il, Dear Leader of North Korea, “if not, you will be engulfed in a sea of flames when young Kim Jong-un lights my hair on fire!”

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In other news, the Nobel Peace Prize has been awarded to Wile E. Coyote for his unceasing efforts to bring a peaceful end to the long-standing territorial dispute with rebel scum the Road Runner.

TAIJI, Japan (IG News) — Dolphins are secretly preparing hundreds of torpedoes camouflaged as dolphins to thwart both Hollywood filmmakers and Japanese fishermen as the annual dolphin hunt, wet t-shirt contest, and beach barbecue gets underway in “The Cove” in Taiji, Japan.

“Oscars? We don’t need no stinkin’ Oscars!” cackled Furripa Iruka, head of the All-Japan Dolphin LIberation League, “Hollywood killed Flipper in the first place!”

“Dolphins are endangered, filled with mercury, and have bigger winkies than the average Tea Party member’s member!” said Dick “Dick” Dickens, head of the Obama Ain’t President Because He’s a Muslim Witch Society.

“The consumption tax on dolphins must be increased now,” intoned Japanese prime minister Naoto ‘Kick the’ Kan, “Japan needs more money to defend the Maritime Self-Defense Forces from renegade fishing boats, as well as crashing into each other.”

“Can’t we all just get along?,” implored Kim Jong-il, Dear Leader of North Korea, “if not, you will be engulfed in a sea of flames when young Kim Jong-un lights my hair on fire!”

###

In other news, the Nobel Peace Prize has been awarded to Wile E. Coyote for his unceasing efforts to bring a peaceful end to the long-standing territorial dispute with rebel scum the Road Runner.

BISHOUNEN, Japan (IG News) — “Kyaaah!” “Sugoooi!” “Umasou!” High-pitched screams of delight filled the air yesterday as the seasonal ban on hunting down little boys in the ocean was lifted across Japan.

Little boys are released into the water, where young women hunt them down relentlessly in an ancient tradition dating back to last summer.

A handful of these little boys are captured alive and sold into slavery in the Japanese entertainment industry.

The rest are herded into a hidden cove, then forced to watch Glee until their heads explode.

Activists claim that little boys contain dangerously high levels of frogs and snails and puppy dog tails, and thus should not be used in really cheap bento sold on the streets of Tokyo.

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In other news, Asian-American dolphins protest use of Japanese dolphins in “The Cove.”

(Photo: IG News)

(Photo: IG News)

(Photo: InvisibleGaijin)

TOKYO, Japan (IG News) — InvisibleGaijin and a team of elite activists risked their lives to secretly film the diabolical Japanese slaughtering and baking of cute little bunnies and turtles.

“Japan claims this is scientific research,” said Hyster Eric, head of People for the Ethical Treatment of Anthropomorphically Cute Animals but Not Ugly Fat People, “but this is clearly intended to flout international conventions on endangered baked goods! Oh my god, they actually eat baked goods shaped like cuddly rabbits and cute turtles!”

“Those dang Japanese should eat American beef!” hollered Betcha Fatass, president of the U.S. Arteriolosclerosis Export Federation, “only cultural imperialists would insist otherwise,” who then keeled over from cardiac infarction.

“There are some countries that eat cows and there are other countries that eat whales or dolphins,” said Zenzen Wakattenai, fisheries division director at the Japanese Foreign Ministry. “A film about baked goods shaped like cows or pigs might also be unwelcome to workers in that industry.”

“Save the Rabbits and Turtles! Kill People!” shouted Peter Rabid, yet another random crazy guy with a gun in America, “If Japanese rabbit and turtle baked goods had concealed weapons permits, we wouldn’t be having this discussion. You talking to me? YOU talking to me?”

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In other news, Japan kills 1000s of whales every year. And 110,000 Americans die from obesity in the same period.

(Photo: InvisibleGaijin)

TOKYO, Japan (IG News) — InvisibleGaijin and a team of elite activists risked their lives to secretly film the diabolical Japanese slaughtering and baking of cute little bunnies and turtles.

“Japan claims this is scientific research,” said Hyster Eric, head of People for the Ethical Treatment of Anthropomorphically Cute Animals but Not Ugly Fat People, “but this is clearly intended to flout international conventions on endangered baked goods! Oh my god, they actually eat baked goods shaped like cuddly rabbits and cute turtles!”

“Those dang Japanese should eat American beef!” hollered Betcha Fatass, president of the U.S. Arteriolosclerosis Export Federation, “only cultural imperialists would insist otherwise,” who then keeled over from cardiac infarction.

“There are some countries that eat cows and there are other countries that eat whales or dolphins,” said Zenzen Wakattenai, fisheries division director at the Japanese Foreign Ministry. “A film about baked goods shaped like cows or pigs might also be unwelcome to workers in that industry.”

“Save the Rabbits and Turtles! Kill People!” shouted Peter Rabid, yet another random crazy guy with a gun in America, “If Japanese rabbit and turtle baked goods had concealed weapons permits, we wouldn’t be having this discussion. You talking to me? YOU talking to me?”

# # #

In other news, Japan kills 1000s of whales every year. And 110,000 Americans die from obesity in the same period.