(Photo Credit: Korean Central News Agency)
PYONGYANG, North Korea (IG News) — The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea called upon the people of North Korea to “give up their thumbs for Supreme Leader Lil’ Kim Jong Un.”
“To be thumbless is glorious,“ said Pabo Ya, supreme general spokesperson of the Korean People’s Malnutrition Corps, “only wicked foreigners need opposable digits.”
“I’d give up anything to be a human bulwark or human shield,” gushed Juleum Popi, captain of the synchronized starvation club at the Kim Song-Il School for Young Revolutionaries, “then play in the Socialist Fairyland!”
“I support Lil’ Kim all the way,” said former United States Senator Richard John “Rick” Santorum, “the North Koreans really know how to prevent thumb-on-thumb sex.”
“Supreme Leader? I don’t think so, that would be me,” commented singer Diana Ross, “Set me free, why don’t you babe?”
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In other news, Lil’ Kim Jong Un announced his 2012 new year resolutions: (1) lose weight, (2) trade nukes for food, and (3) guest star on Glee.
IG News (Tokyo) — Girl group sensation AKB-48’s latest single to hit the top of charts is “Slurp My Noodles, Daddy!”
“Churu-churu!, churu-churu!,” rapped lead singer Atama Karrapo, “slurp my noodles, daddy, drink my broth! Churu-churu!, churu-churu!”
“Oh, I spilled some tsuyu on my tummy!” squeaked Rita Roh, the girl who can’t sing or dance but the producer likes her, “I’ve been a bad, bad girl. You know what happens to bad girls? Hee-hee!”
Rumors are flying on Twitter that Lady Gaga declined to appear with AKB-48 during a recent tour in Japan because she “didn’t want to be upstaged.”
Asked for comment, record label A Vex’d spokesperson Perky Oppai said, “No, no, those aren’t anal beads.”
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In other news, Russian sleeper spies forget to wake up.
BISHOUNEN, Japan (IG News) — “Kyaaah!” “Sugoooi!” “Umasou!” High-pitched screams of delight filled the air yesterday as the seasonal ban on hunting down little boys in the ocean was lifted across Japan.
Little boys are released into the water, where young women hunt them down relentlessly in an ancient tradition dating back to last summer.
A handful of these little boys are captured alive and sold into slavery in the Japanese entertainment industry.
The rest are herded into a hidden cove, then forced to watch Glee until their heads explode.
Activists claim that little boys contain dangerously high levels of frogs and snails and puppy dog tails, and thus should not be used in really cheap bento sold on the streets of Tokyo.
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In other news, Asian-American dolphins protest use of Japanese dolphins in “The Cove.”
YOMAMA, Biyachi Preference (IG News) — A local man in samurai costume begins his backwards-horsetop-descent down a steep hill during the Gyaku-Uma-Sagari festival in Yomama, Biyachi Prefecture on May 6, 2010.
「おおおう！しっと!」 cried Hontowa Gei invoking a centuries-old ritual before tumbling down the hill repeatedly in front of friends, family, and people with being-crushed-by-horses fetishes.
About 100,000 people attended the traditional event, which is designated as a intangible cultural asset despite the absence of phallic objects or any connection with Tiger Woods.
“I’m getting too old for this shit,” sighed Naisu Ojisandayo, celebrating his 70th year as the event’s official nice-old-guy-in-white-cap, “young guys always piss their fundoshi and expect me to clean up. I get no respect!”
Event officials denied any cruelty to the horses, “Au Contraire, Mon Frère! The horses get a big kick out of crushing young guys to death. It’s an unique equine cultural practice that we don’t presume to judge.”
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In other news, Martians say no to relocation of Futenma air station.
TOKYO (IG News) — Police arrested 77 chikan train gropers during a one week campaign in greater Tokyo in mid-April and 29 of the 77 were found to be repeat offenders.
“What a bunch of dicks,” said Tokyo Metropolitan Police spokesperson Chikan Shineh, “Who would be stupid enough to molest women on trains during a highly publicized police campaign?”
Fans of the Saikyo and JR Chuo lines were thrilled their favorite chikan-densha were once again tied for the top place in number of arrestees at six pathetic-losers-who-should-be-shot each.
“Ureshiidayo! I’m so happy! I ride the Saikyo every day, if you get my drift?” said Chinko “Willy” Atama as he winked-winked and nudge-nudged feverishly, “The Saikyo is like a conveyor belt sushi place for perverts and creeps.”
In a surprise move, the Mayor of Taiji City, Iruka Kuwanei, confirmed rumors that the city’s dolphin fishermen would now use eco-friendly fishhooks baited with live chikan train gropers.
“Dolphins love chikan, they go wild!” said Kuwanei, “we love it when dolphin cackle, ‘who’s your daddy now?’ before they bite!”
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In other news, Google launches new search UI, resulting in billions of searches for “What is UI?”
TOKYO (IG News) — A new catchphrase, “Japan. Endless Discovery.”, designed to woo more foreign tourists to Japan was unveiled by Minister of Tourism Seiji “Yokoso!” Maehara.
“We want to let people know how good tourism in Japan is,” said Maehara, “and that’s why we are also introducing this list of “Top Ten Tourist Discoveries in Japan.”
- Geisha look like your grandmother, not Zhang Ziyi.
- Public restrooms can be spotless or filthy but either way there’s no hand soap.
- Real Otaku are kind of creepy.
- “O-genki desu ka” is not a commonly used greeting, except among tourists.
- Akihabara maids are the new Ginza hostesses, highly skilled in the art of separating men from their money.
- “Lost in Translation” actually means “functionally illiterate.”
- Demonstrating one’s martial arts skills is a good way to get your ass kicked.
- You lack the core strength needed to use Japanese squat toilets.
- “Live” is not necessarily better than “raw” fish.
- All the Japanese gifts you can afford to buy are made in China.
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In other news, tourists have been banned from the Tsukiji Fish Market again for “touching the tuna,” which is not be confused with “slapping the monkey.”
TORINO (IG News) — Japan’s Asada Mao defeated Kim Yu-na of Korea today at the World Ferocious Face & Figure Skating Championships.
“Growl!” snapped Asada, who is not related to Mexico’s Carne Asada, “I’m so happy that I nailed the triple-brow-furrow and double-sneer combination!”
“Yarrrgh!” snarled Kim, who is not related to Korea’s Kim Chee, “I can neither confirm nor deny rumors that I will retire and become a pirate.”
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In other news, the Vatican announced the Catholic Church will stop using a pedometer as part of the interview process for prospective priests.
TOKYO (IG News) — A 25-year-old former civil servant was crowned this year’s Miss Underarm Japan on Tuesday.
“I can’t believe it,” said Maido Itaizo after winning the 2010 Miss Underarm Japan pageant held in Tokyo on Tuesdsay, as tears came to her eyes. “I want to represent all of the Japanese people’s underarms at the international competition.”
Itaizo, who lives in Kusaizo City in Waki Prefecture, spoke English and Klingon during her speech at Tuesday’s contest, “Heghpu’ jib ghajbe’ qabqu’boghfhach!” said Itaizo with a winning smile before chopping off Miss Congeniality’s head with a bat’leth.
Itaizo, who was selected from among some 4,000 applicants, will compete at the Miss Underarm pageant in July after four month of intense training, including a diet of natto, blue cheese, and raw garlic to ensure pungency.
Japan has been performing well at the annual international competition for the past few years despite objections from feminists who decry the objectification of female armpits.
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In other news, the Sea Shepard turns around again, heads to Tokyo to save Sumo rikishi.