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Tag Archives: satire
BAKABAKASHII, Japan (IG News) — Japan stunned the world today by conducting joint exercises with Godzilla near the disputed Sanrio island chain, known popularly as “Hello Kitty” in Japan and “Nihao Xiao Mao” in China.
“These islands belong to the world and must be used for the benefit of all people,” said the king of the kaiju, “Can we all get along? Or shall I go crazy on your ass?”
US intelligence officials denied allegations they failed to predict the appearance of the Japanese monster, “Categorically untrue. At the time, we were off-duty, drunk, and attempting rape.”
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In other news, North Korea denied its new satellite carries Kim Jong Eun’s secret stash of Twinkies.
TING BUDONG, China (IG News) — Classified satellite imagery obtained by IG News suggests China may be preparing for military action over the disputed Sanrio island chain, known as “Hello Kitty” in Japan and “Nihao Xiao Mao” in China.
The IG News exclusive photo above shows what appear to be genetically modified midget soldiers in red berets chanting, “Hello Kitty belongs to China!”
CIA analysts believe the weapons are prototypes of the AK-B48 “stealth assault rifle.” Made of plastic, the AK-B48 can only be detected by otaku special operations teams.
Japan opposition leader LDP president Shinzo “Honest” Abe said he would appoint Sora Aoi as ambassador to China “if I can lick my erection、えーと、election problems.”
Hello Kitty, beloved symbol of all things kawaii, had no comment because she has no mouth.
In other news, Black Friday is now called “A Friday of Color.”
TOKYO (IG News) — Tokyo governor Shintaro “Tic-Tic-Tic” Ishihara announced a new Olympic event for the visually challenged, opening the city’s bid for the 2020 Summer Games.
“Shuffle, shuffle, wham!,” chortled Ishihara, “man, that’s funnier than the joke about a blind guy feeling elephant testicles and thinking, ‘ah, Yubari melons!’”
Recent polls show that 8.4% of Tokyoites agree another half billion dollar Olympic bid “can’t hurt,” 12.2% believe “eating seaweed cures baldness,“ and 79.4% responded, “Ishihara? Isn’t he dead?”
Other proposed events include “Upskirt Photography,” “Pin the Tail on AKB48,” and “4 x 100m Washlet™ Relay.”
Tokyo housewife Perky Oppai commented, “There are none so blind as those who can not pee without a catheter.”
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In other news, “cool biz” re-named “sweat-like-a-sumo-in-a-sauna biz.”
(Photo Credit: Korean Central News Agency)
PYONGYANG, North Korea (IG News) — The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea called upon the people of North Korea to “give up their thumbs for Supreme Leader Lil’ Kim Jong Un.”
“To be thumbless is glorious,“ said Pabo Ya, supreme general spokesperson of the Korean People’s Malnutrition Corps, “only wicked foreigners need opposable digits.”
“I’d give up anything to be a human bulwark or human shield,” gushed Juleum Popi, captain of the synchronized starvation club at the Kim Song-Il School for Young Revolutionaries, “then play in the Socialist Fairyland!”
“I support Lil’ Kim all the way,” said former United States Senator Richard John “Rick” Santorum, “the North Koreans really know how to prevent thumb-on-thumb sex.”
“Supreme Leader? I don’t think so, that would be me,” commented singer Diana Ross, “Set me free, why don’t you babe?”
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In other news, Lil’ Kim Jong Un announced his 2012 new year resolutions: (1) lose weight, (2) trade nukes for food, and (3) guest star on Glee.
(Photo credit: Mainichi)
KYOTO, Japan (IG News) — Chahan Omori, chief priest of Yogoremizu Temple in Kyoto’s Higashi-Sonomamayama Ward, writes the kanji character for “bakayaro” (“TEPCO bites the big one”), which was chosen as the kanji character of the year, during an annual ceremony at the temple on Dec. 12.
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In other news,
@TEPCO_CEO denies rumors that dangerous levels of rice have been discovered in TEPCO cesium.
BEIJING (IG News) — Millions of young Chinese women are clamoring to wear Ugg-Li boots, this season’s hottest fashion trend.
“I love my Ugg-Li boots, they’re so cool, they’re hot,” said noted Beijing fashionista, Feicheng Buhao, “I predict this will be hotter than bowl cut bangs and eyeglasses with no lenses!”
Ugg-Li, a joint venture of Australia’s Ugg Boots Pty Ltd and China’s Gei Li Enterprises, launched the boots when a miscommunication resulted in the original Ugg design being manufactured inside-out.
“When life hands you wombats, make koalas, as we say down under,” commented Pavlova Lammington, chief designer at Ugg, “Ugg-Li boots are today’s to-die-for fashion item.”
“Next, we will launch in world markets,” said Gei Li CEO Dadong Kaoya, “Ugg-Li boots are going to be the next big Chinese export following the global success of ‘made by China’ high-speed rail controllers!”
In other news, Air China announced today “the probability of interesting in-flight video is inversely proportional to the length of delay before boarding.”
(Photo Credit: China Daily)
BEIJING, China (IG News) — The Zombie Party of China (ZPC) elected today Jiang Zemin as its general secretary and president.
“Death is wasted on the dead,” proclaimed Jiang to cheers from millions of zombies gathered at the Wangfujing McDonalds, “and reports of my death are greatly exaggerated with Chinese characteristics.”
Popularly known as “Uncle Jiangshi,” Jiang explained the ZPC’s political vision, “Reviewing the course of zombie struggle and the basic experience over the past 80 years and looking ahead to the arduous tasks and bright future in the new century, our Party should continue to stand in the forefront of the times and lead the zombie in marching toward victory. In a word, the Party must always represent the requirements of the development of China’s advanced zombie productive forces, the orientation of the development of China’s advanced zombie culture, and the fundamental interests of the overwhelming majority of the zombie in China.”
ZPC spokesperson Ting Budong declined to comment on rumors of that Ichiro Ozawa and Yukio Hatoyama were planning to launch the Zombie Party of Japan (ZPJ).
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In other news, Japan upsets Germany at Women’s World Cup but both countries pledge to “remain BFF.”
(Photo Credit: Mainichi)
TACHI-SHOMBEN, Japan (IG News) — Millions of children squealed with delight as the Japanese pool-peeing season kicked off today across the nation.
“Ah, kimochiii!,” exclaimed elementary school student Oshikko Daisuki, “Ain’t nothing like the first pee of the season! I’ve been holding back for a week!”
The Japanese tradition of peeing in pools began in the Heian period (794 to 1185), as noted in Murasaki Shikibu’s classic novel, The Tale of Genji.
“Oh, Prince Genji, your honorable urination is redolent of wisteria blossoms wafting down from the heavens, and indeed its warmth is that of the early morning sun!”
Officials at TEPCO, operator of the containment-challenged Fukushima Daiichi Nuclear Power Plant, denied allegations that American-made robots were peeing in pools used to cool spent fuel rods.
“Categorically untrue,” said TEPCO spokesperson Perky Oppai, “we have elderly volunteers who do that.”
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In other news, former China president Jiang Zemin announced today, “Reports of my death are greatly exaggerated with Chinese characteristics.”