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YOMAMA, Biyachi Preference (IG News) — A local man in samurai costume begins his backwards-horsetop-descent down a steep hill during the Gyaku-Uma-Sagari festival in Yomama, Biyachi Prefecture on May 6, 2010.

「おおおう!しっと!」 cried Hontowa Gei invoking a centuries-old ritual before tumbling down the hill repeatedly in front of friends, family, and people with being-crushed-by-horses fetishes.

About 100,000 people attended the traditional event, which is designated as a intangible cultural asset despite the absence of phallic objects or any connection with Tiger Woods.

“I’m getting too old for this shit,” sighed Naisu Ojisandayo, celebrating his 70th year as the event’s official nice-old-guy-in-white-cap, “young guys always piss their fundoshi and expect me to clean up. I get no respect!”

Event officials denied any cruelty to the horses, “Au Contraire, Mon Frère! The horses get a big kick out of crushing young guys to death. It’s an unique equine cultural practice that we don’t presume to judge.”

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In other news, Martians say no to relocation of Futenma air station.

(Photo: Happy Obasan picking coca leaves in Shizuoka Prefecture.)

TOKYO, Japan (IG News) — Prime Minister Yukio “Bird” Hatoyama announced today that Japan would legalize cocaine as part of a new economic revitalization and jobs creation program.

“Not only will this bold measure create jobs for Obasan in the countryside,” sniffed Hatoyama, “but it will also make the Japanese people feel better about the lack of true prospects for economic growth.”

“Sugoi! I feel like I could pick coca leaves all day!,” buzzed Henna Obasan, “And watch out when my Ojisan mixes viagra and coke with a shot of shochu! It’s like being 17 again! Bwah-ha-ha!”

“Outrageous! Cocaine is a gateway to Coca-Cola,” snorted Liberal Democratic Party chief Sadakazu “Little Dick” Tanigaki, “next thing you know no-talent talento will be injecting Fanta.”

Coca-Cola Japan announced a new drink product called “Diet Coke Coke” containing a 2% solution of cocaine and no sugar.

“Yes, Coke, Yes!” warbled spokesperson Perky Oppai, “Coke is it!”

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In other news, Mitsuya Cider launches “Cider Shock with Crystal Meth” featuring spokesperson and rehabilitated drug residue user Noriko “Da Nori-P” Sakai.

The Government of Japan announced today a new 2.7 trillion yen jobs program, “Santa’s Coming to Town,” as part of its economic stimulus package.
“With cutbacks in the Bridges to Nowhere program, the number of flashlight-waving jobs has declined sharply,” said Ministry of Finance spokesperson, Dou Kechi, “thus we are spending 2.7 trillion yen to put millions of Japanese back to work as Santa Ojisan.”
“I like the fur-trimmed red suit,” chirped Perky Oppai, who was recently laid off from her job as a Cosplay Ear Cleaner aidoru, “and the white beard means I don’t have to wear make-up on the bottom half of my face! I think it makes my eyes look bigger.”
JR East is hiring 25,000 “Anti-Groper Santa” to pack even more people into already over-crowded rush hour trains. “Santa knows if you’ve been bad or good,” said JR East chief Oshiri Sawaruna, “and women of all ages like sitting on his lap.”
New York Times Magazine contributor Pisa Mangoyama denied allegations of pandering to racial stereotypes with the headline, “Wacky Yellow Monkey Otaku Marries 2-D Santa Sex Pillow.”
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In other news, Japanese golf sensation, Ryo Ishikawa, denied allegations he backed his car into a koban police box in an attempt to emulate his hero Tiger Woods.

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