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Tag Archives: obasan

TOKYO (IG News) — Five former members of the Liberal Democratic Old Farts Party have launched a new political party in Japan called 「たちあがれ日本」or the “Get It Up, Japan!” Party.

“It’s time for Japan to get it up again,” said Takeo “Droopy” Hiranuma turgidly, “it’s been too long since we’ve had a tumescent Japan.”

“Japan must stand erect,” stated former Finance Minister Kaoru “Yes, it’s my real hair!” Yosano swellingly, “the rigidity of the Japanese spirit amongst our members shall rise once again.”

“Let me be clear, it will be a long and hard ride,” intoned Prime Minister Yukio “Bird” Hatoyama tumidly, “this is not the time to distend and engorge ourselves with orotund language.”

“No more excuses,” panted Perky Oppai, chairperson of the Obasan Just Want to Have Fun Party, “Japan, just get it up already!”

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In other news, (^o^)/(⌒0⌒)/~~


(Photo: Happy Obasan picking coca leaves in Shizuoka Prefecture.)

TOKYO, Japan (IG News) — Prime Minister Yukio “Bird” Hatoyama announced today that Japan would legalize cocaine as part of a new economic revitalization and jobs creation program.

“Not only will this bold measure create jobs for Obasan in the countryside,” sniffed Hatoyama, “but it will also make the Japanese people feel better about the lack of true prospects for economic growth.”

“Sugoi! I feel like I could pick coca leaves all day!,” buzzed Henna Obasan, “And watch out when my Ojisan mixes viagra and coke with a shot of shochu! It’s like being 17 again! Bwah-ha-ha!”

“Outrageous! Cocaine is a gateway to Coca-Cola,” snorted Liberal Democratic Party chief Sadakazu “Little Dick” Tanigaki, “next thing you know no-talent talento will be injecting Fanta.”

Coca-Cola Japan announced a new drink product called “Diet Coke Coke” containing a 2% solution of cocaine and no sugar.

“Yes, Coke, Yes!” warbled spokesperson Perky Oppai, “Coke is it!”

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In other news, Mitsuya Cider launches “Cider Shock with Crystal Meth” featuring spokesperson and rehabilitated drug residue user Noriko “Da Nori-P” Sakai.

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Groups of predatory “meat-eating obasan” (nikushoku obasan) are using Twitter to organize “groping parties” (chikan pa-ti-) to terrorize “herbivore men” (soshoku otoko) on train lines in Tokyo, Japan.

Self-proclaimed “herbivore male” Hiki Komori said, “A group of obasan surrounded me, put their hands into my Doraemon underpants, and started slapping my monkey. I don’t even like to think about sex. I just want to bake herb bread at home.”

“Most young men today have no konjo, you know, balls, no, um, they lack the courage to speak out,” said self-proclaimed “leader of the pack” of the Tokyo Chikan-Obasan Federation, Koi Waisetsu, “Thus, it’s not a public nuisance and thus not against the law. And you know they like it.”

Self-proclaimed expert on things obasan, Jo-ji Saruno, “It’s not about slapping monkeys. It’s about power, domination, and repressed desire for Bae Yong Joon. Okay, it is about slapping monkeys.”

National Police Agency spokesman, Omaru Omawari, “I pay money every week in Kabukicho for obasan to slap my monkey, what’s your point?”

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In other news, Prime Minister Yukio “The Bird” Hatoyama announced, “We have ordered a formal investigation into allegations that secret treaties between the United States and Japan allowed the manufacture, possession, and use of atomic monkey slappers.”