(Photo: Happy Obasan picking coca leaves in Shizuoka Prefecture.)
TOKYO, Japan (IG News) — Prime Minister Yukio “Bird” Hatoyama announced today that Japan would legalize cocaine as part of a new economic revitalization and jobs creation program.
“Not only will this bold measure create jobs for Obasan in the countryside,” sniffed Hatoyama, “but it will also make the Japanese people feel better about the lack of true prospects for economic growth.”
“Sugoi! I feel like I could pick coca leaves all day!,” buzzed Henna Obasan, “And watch out when my Ojisan mixes viagra and coke with a shot of shochu! It’s like being 17 again! Bwah-ha-ha!”
“Outrageous! Cocaine is a gateway to Coca-Cola,” snorted Liberal Democratic Party chief Sadakazu “Little Dick” Tanigaki, “next thing you know no-talent talento will be injecting Fanta.”
Coca-Cola Japan announced a new drink product called “Diet Coke Coke” containing a 2% solution of cocaine and no sugar.
“Yes, Coke, Yes!” warbled spokesperson Perky Oppai, “Coke is it!”
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In other news, Mitsuya Cider launches “Cider Shock with Crystal Meth” featuring spokesperson and rehabilitated drug residue user Noriko “Da Nori-P” Sakai.