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Tag Archives: miyuki hatoyama

Millions of oni demons were ousted from their homes by magic soybeans today as humans invoked mame-maki rituals to celebrate the spring Setsubun across Japan.

“Demons out, good fortune in!” shouted Japanese prime minister Yukio “Bird” Hatoyama, “DPJ in, LDP out. You’re just jealous my mommy gives me a humongous allowance as political donations! Ha-ha!”

“You lie! My mommy gives me a bigger allowance than yours!” snapped LDP leader Sadakazu “Someone give me a nickname, please” Tanigaki, “Your mother has a protruding belly button!”

“I don’t believe that non-humans should be allowed to vote,” said former prime minister Taro “Dick” Aso, “once a gaijin, always a soy bean, I always say. Can I read my manga now, mommy?”

“Today, it’s magic beans used against demons. What’s next?” demanded Kowaizo Onioppai, spokesperson for the Japan Federation of Red and Blue Demons, “Predator drones firing salt-tipped cruise missiles at ghosts haunting your keitai cellphone?”

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In other news, Yokozuna Asashoryu testified, “I wasn’t drunk. I was practicing throwing Setsubun soy beans when one hit my ex-manager in the face, breaking his nose. So sorry, neh?”

Posted via email from invisiblegaijin

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Miyuki Hatoyama, Japan’s First Lady, has been awarded the Nobel Kimchi Prize “for her extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples.”

“Some people say — and I understand it — ‘Isn’t it premature? Too early?’ Well, I’d say then that it could be too late to eat this year’s kimchi three years from now,” Thorbjoern Jagland, chairman of the Norwegian Nobel Committee, said. “It is now that we have the opportunity to respond — all of us — to the challenges and opportunities presented by kimchi.”

Hatoyama said she was “surprised and deeply humbled” by the honor, and planned to travel to Oslo in December to accept the prize.

“Let me be clear: I do not view it as a recognition of my own accomplishments with tsukemono, but rather as an affirmation of Japanese leadership on behalf of the kimchi aspirations held by people in all nations,” she said at the Prime Minister’s Official Residence. “To be honest, I do not feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many of the transformative figures who’ve been honored by this prize.”

Hatoyama will donate the $1.4 million cash award that comes with the prize to charities for former internet memes, Crasher Squirrel and Pancake Rabbit.

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In other news, Sazae-san, beloved manga/anime character, shocked Japan’s entertainment media by announcing she would appear in a nude pictorial in Playboy magazine.

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Kanye West was not amused by InvisibleGaijin’s post, Noriko Sakai Press Conference Erupts in Chaos.

(Kanye your own site at: kanyethis.com)

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Kanye West was not amused by InvisibleGaijin’s post, Noriko Sakai Press Conference Erupts in Chaos.

(Kanye your own site at: kanyethis.com)

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NoriPiandFriends

Kanye West, Joe Wilson, Crasher Squirrel, and Serena Williams interrupted Noriko Sakai’s “gomennasai” press conference, which then erupted into chaos.

Released on bail, Sakai began her carefully scripted, tearful, and heartfelt apology, confession of guilt, and acceptance of blame for all things wrong in Japanese society today, “Gomennasai, I’m druggie, loser, bad mother, estranged wife of a self-proclaimed-surfer, tenant of a shabby beach house in Chiba, my boobs aren’t real, and I could never really sing all that great.”

Rapper Kanye West jumped on stage, grabbed the microphone, and shouted, “Yo Noriko, really happy about your release and Imma let you finish but Oshio Manabu had the best drugs arrest this year!”

U.S. Representative Joe Wilson looking outraged and constipated said, “うそつき!” stuck out his tongue, and then ran home to mommy.

Crasher Squirrel, struggling to regain relevance since his 15 minutes of fame are up, said, “I rode the UFO with First Lady Miyuki Hatoyama and Tom Cruise! I have a copy of President Obama’s birth certificate – he’s a squirrel! My nuts are humongous!”

Serena Williams, “Hey Squirrel, if I could, I would take this f—k ball and shove it down your f—k throat! And then crack your nuts with my biceps!”

Japan’s news media, unable to comprehend this deviation from the script, erupted into chaos and forgot to report on the first day of Prime Minister Yukio “the Bird” Hatoyama’s administration, which will determine whether Japan regains its economic footing and global standing, or plunges straight into hell.

(special credit to @aragoto for the Kanye West quote)

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TomCrasherUFO

Tom Cruise, famed Hollywood actor and short guy, and Crasher Squirrel, the already-almost-forgotten-internet-meme, confirmed today they had flown with Japan’s soon-to-be First Lady, Miyuki Hatoyama, on a UFO to Venus repeatedly in Mr. Cruise’s previous life as a samurai warrior, during Mrs. Hatoyama’s vivid dreams, and while Crasher Squirrel was having a LSD flashback.

Tom Cruise stated, “Have you ever gotten the feeling that you aren’t completely embarassed yet, but you glimpse tomorrow’s embarrassment? And it has to do with a UFO, a Japanese lady, and a squirrel? And Scientology? And Oprah?”

Responding angrily to a barrage of questions from Japan’s notoriously vapid entertainment media, Crasher Squirrel said, “The allegations that I am a Photoshop composite have absolutely no basis in truth. I am a real squirrel in a real movie poster, Tom really was a samurai in a previous life, Miyuki is cool, and my nuts are gigantic, okay?”

Yukio “The Bird” Hatoyama, presumptive Prime Minister of Japan, denied rumors that his Cabinet would shift away from the Japan-US alliance. “I was mistranslated. I said healthcare should be socialized in the U.S., Obama was born in Fukui Prefecture, and Miyuki once entertained a battalion of US marines, whoo-rah!”

In an exclusive interview with InvisibleGaijin, the Venusian UFO aliens issued their first statement to the global media,”AYBABTU,” before firing beam weapons and vaporizing the giant Gundam statue at Odaiba.

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In other news, Kimba the White Lion has been hospitalized for schizophrenia, insisting he is actually a Japanese anime character named Leo. Dr. Mahha GouGou, head of Nihon Kichigai National Hospital, said, “We suspect Kimba is suffering from an acute case of Astro-Boy/Speed Racer syndrome.”

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TomCrasherUFO

Tom Cruise, famed Hollywood actor and short guy, and Crasher Squirrel, the already-almost-forgotten-internet-meme, confirmed today they had flown with Japan’s soon-to-be First Lady, Miyuki Hatoyama, on a UFO to Venus repeatedly in Mr. Cruise’s previous life as a samurai warrior, during Mrs. Hatoyama’s vivid dreams, and while Crasher Squirrel was having a LSD flashback.

Tom Cruise stated, “Have you ever gotten the feeling that you aren’t completely embarassed yet, but you glimpse tomorrow’s embarrassment? And it has to do with a UFO, a Japanese lady, and a squirrel? And Scientology? And Oprah?”

Responding angrily to a barrage of questions from Japan’s notoriously vapid entertainment media, Crasher Squirrel said, “The allegations that I am a Photoshop composite have absolutely no basis in truth. I am a real squirrel in a real movie poster, Tom really was a samurai in a previous life, Miyuki is cool, and my nuts are gigantic, okay?”

Yukio “The Bird” Hatoyama, presumptive Prime Minister of Japan, denied rumors that his Cabinet would shift away from the Japan-US alliance. “I was mistranslated. I said healthcare should be socialized in the U.S., Obama was born in Fukui Prefecture, and Miyuki once entertained a battalion of US marines, whoo-rah!”

In an exclusive interview with InvisibleGaijin, the Venusian UFO aliens issued their first statement to the global media,”AYBABTU,” before firing beam weapons and vaporizing the giant Gundam statue at Odaiba.

—–

In other news, Kimba the White Lion has been hospitalized for schizophrenia, insisting he is actually a Japanese anime character named Leo. Dr. Mahha GouGou, head of Nihon Kichigai National Hospital, said, “We suspect Kimba is suffering from an acute case of Astro-Boy/Speed Racer syndrome.”

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CrasherSquirrelMrsHatoyama

(Tokyo, Japan) Crasher Squirrel confirmed in a press conference today the claim of Miyuki Hatoyama, wife of presumptive Japan Prime Minister, Yukio “the Bird” Hatoyama, that she had ridden a UFO to Venus.

Crasher Squirrel said, “the UFO was bright and shiny, but the seats were a little small for my big gaijin squirrel ass. And the Venusians smelled like natto.”

When questioned about his alleged involvement in a love triangle with the First Couple of Japan, Crasher Squirrel commented, “hey, man, it was the 60s, the summer of love, you know, free love.”

National Police Agency spokesman, Omaru Omawari, said in a statement faxed to the press, “we have solid information that the UFO was purchased from a gaijin, so we are now piss-testing all gaijin in Roppongi for Venusian genetics.”

McDonalds Japan spokes-gaijin, Mr. James, blurted deliriously, 「トンデイルビッグマックミタイネ!スゴイネ!」。

In other news, Noripi’s husband confessed, “yes, yes, yes, I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!”

CrasherSquirrelMrsHatoyama

(Tokyo, Japan) Crasher Squirrel confirmed in a press conference today the claim of Miyuki Hatoyama, wife of presumptive Japan Prime Minister, Yukio “the Bird” Hatoyama, that she had ridden a UFO to Venus.

Crasher Squirrel said, “the UFO was bright and shiny, but the seats were a little small for my big gaijin squirrel ass. And the Venusians smelled like natto.”

When questioned about his alleged involvement in a love triangle with the First Couple of Japan, Crasher Squirrel commented, “hey, man, it was the 60s, the summer of love, you know, free love.”

National Police Agency spokesman, Omaru Omawari, said in a statement faxed to the press, “we have solid information that the UFO was purchased from a gaijin, so we are now piss-testing all gaijin in Roppongi for Venusian genetics.”

McDonalds Japan spokes-gaijin, Mr. James, blurted deliriously, 「トンデイルビッグマックミタイネ!スゴイネ!」。

In other news, Noripi’s husband confessed, “yes, yes, yes, I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!”