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Tag Archives: michael jackson
BEIJING (IG News) – Japan deployed today a new class of stealth anti-fishing-boat fishing boats to counter growing threats to the nation’s maritime security.
“This new class of stealthy fishing boats has the radar cross-section of shirako,” commented Ting Budong, senior analcyst at the Sino-Institute of Stealthy Stuff, “and radar-reflective white face paint makes the crew look like the ghost of Michael Jackson so feared by Chinese sailors.”
“The banners say, ‘your mother has a protruding belly button,’” said Rear Admiral Dekkai Oshiri, commander of the Japan Maritime Self-Defense Forces, “This will strike fear into the hearts of intruders more than sailors in drag dancing to AKB-48.”
Japan has recently seen a sharp increase in fishing boats disguised as fishing boats encroaching upon its economic exclusion zone, as well as large numbers of anti-whaling, anti-dolphin-hunting, and anti-anything-that-distracts-from-a-weak-economy-in-America boats.
When asked for comment, Perky Oppai, spokesperson for Japanese Prime Minister Naoto “Genghis” Kan, said in a written statement, “so sorry, the Prime Minister has gone fishing.”
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In other news, 18% of Japanese amoeba say they have no interest in asexual reproduction.
Fune Isono, mother of famed Japanese TV star Sazae-san, admitted Sunday that she was the rumored fifth mistress of golfer Tiger Woods.
“I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves,” said the mother of three children, “but Tiger is, well, a tiger in the futon. Woof-woof!”
“I have no comment,” said husband Namihei Isono, “but the reason you haven’t heard about Paris Hilton lately is ‘cuz I got ‘cher matsutake right here baby! Woo-hoo!” channeling Michael Jackson’s crotch-grabbing move.
Ponyo, the little fish girl who admitted Saturday she had an affair with Tiger Woods, cried “My friends said inter-species love wouldn’t work out and they were right. I’m now doing Nemo.”
“I’d do Tiger and twist his fundoshi into knots,” said the world’s oldest woman, 114-year-old Kama Chinen of Okinawa, Japan, “and I assert Hatoyama must review the Japan-US Security Treaty in light of post-Cold War reality.”
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In other news, hybrids grew to 9.7% of new automobile sales in November, while mutants increased to 23.7%.
Michael Jackson, the dead King of Pop, was allegedly photographed yesterday sitting on a bench in Hokkaido freezing his sesame buns off.
The dead King of Pop was apparently dressed as McDonald’s Japan Gaijin Stereotype Mr. James dressed as Ronald McDonald dressed as a convicted child molester.
Japanese entertainment weekly Uso Bakkari claimed the dead King of Pop is filming a new video, “This is Shit Too,” which features MJ rave-dancing with Noriko Sakai and “cuddling” the Balloon Boy.
Asked for comment, the dead King of Pop replied in Japanese, “Haaa? Maikeru? Chigau yo!” (translation: “It’s a new dance move, the Bench Walk!”).
FOX News reported that Bubbles the Chimpanzee is “overjoyed,” “looking forward to a reunion,” and, like the dead King of Pop, “opposed to healthcare reform.”
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In other news, Toyota denied rumors of signing Tiger Woods to endorse a new line of sudden-acceleration Lexus SUVs.
Photos: Agencé Furyo_Gaijin
Gaijinkirai Kamo, the Japanese national accused of murdering a young British woman was arrested today after a nationwide manhunt, following the release of photographs taken before and after his extensive plastic surgeries.
National Police Agency spokesperson Omaru Omawari whined, “We’re just relieved we’ve caught this fugitive especially since we let him slip between our fingers in the first place. We also failed to anticipate just how far this dastardly criminal would go to change his appearance. I mean now he looks just like Taylor Swift, how were we supposed to know?”
Noriko Sakai, who was convicted on Monday of neglecting to throw away drug residue, acting way-too-cute-way-too-past-the-expiration-date, and marrying a self-proclaimed pro surfer, commented, “I plan to get a divorce, study care-giving, and then in three year pose nude to re-start my career when my suspended sentence is up. I’ll be baaack.”
When asked for comment, Perky Oppai, young Japanese woman on the street, said, “Wow, where did he get his bihaku treatment, I want to look like that! Kawaii!”
The unidentified caller who called the police was to receive a JPY 10 million reward but was stoned to death by neighbors, colleagues, and family members who became jealous and resentful of his windfall.
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In other news, the Michael Jackson tribute movie, “This is it!” failed miserably at the box office when the movie title was translated into Japanese as, “This is Shit!”