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TOKYO (IG News) — Japan will unleash its long-rumored secret weapon in this Saturday’s World Cup match against the Netherlands, according to sources who provided IG News with the exclusive photo shown above.

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In other news, Korea is tied 1-1 with Korea after Korea scored an own goal in its match against itself.

TOKYO (IG News) — Japan will unleash its long-rumored secret weapon in this Saturday’s World Cup match against the Netherlands, according to sources who provided IG News with the exclusive photo shown above.

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In other news, Korea is tied 1-1 with Korea after Korea scored an own goal in its match against itself.

(Photo: @doramimy)

JAPAN (IG News) — The Emperor and Empress of Hinamatsuri unleashed thousands of hina-ningyo warrior dolls today to invade Korea in retaliation for Kim Yu-na’s victory over Asada Mao in the Vancouver Olympics.

“This shall be the mother of all Hinamatsuri,” intoned Emperor Jodan Desuyo, “Cry ‘Havoc!’, and let slip the dogs of war.”

Prime Minster Yukio “Bird” Hatoyama denied rumors that Japan was invading Korea in hopes of relocating the Futenma Air Station in Seoul, “Gee, I wish I’d thought of that!”

“I ate an onigiri before skating!” gushed Asada Mao as she nailed a triple axel, “I guess I should have eaten kimchi!”

Popular Japanese BBS 2ch, which was taken down by a band of Korean hackers known as The Yu-na Phish Sandwiches, declared, “Corea, yo mama is onara! We are releasing our secret weapon!
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In other news, Toyota denied rumors it was recalling CEO Akio Toyoda to replace a sticky brain.

On a recent trip to Hokkaido, IG was struck not only by the culturally specific ironic dissonance of the message “please flush toilet paper after use in the water” but also the culturally specific need to translate that message into Chinese and Korean but not Spanish, English, French, German, Italian, Martian, etc.
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In other news, Toyota President Toyoda apologized with only a ‘slight’ bow to the frenzied onanism of Japanese and non-Japanese media hoping to spark controversy. White House sources stated President Obama jived, “ain’t no big thing.”

On a recent trip to Hokkaido, IG was struck not only by the culturally specific ironic dissonance of the message “please flush toilet paper after use in the water” but also the culturally specific need to translate that message into Chinese and Korean but not Spanish, English, French, German, Italian, Martian, etc.
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In other news, Toyota President Toyoda apologized with only a ‘slight’ bow to the frenzied onanism of Japanese and non-Japanese media hoping to spark controversy. White House sources stated President Obama jived, “ain’t no big thing.”

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