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In other news, the world ends, Mayan gods take rifles from millions of Americans’ cold, dead hands.
TING BUDONG, China (IG News) — Classified satellite imagery obtained by IG News suggests China may be preparing for military action over the disputed Sanrio island chain, known as “Hello Kitty” in Japan and “Nihao Xiao Mao” in China.
The IG News exclusive photo above shows what appear to be genetically modified midget soldiers in red berets chanting, “Hello Kitty belongs to China!”
CIA analysts believe the weapons are prototypes of the AK-B48 “stealth assault rifle.” Made of plastic, the AK-B48 can only be detected by otaku special operations teams.
Japan opposition leader LDP president Shinzo “Honest” Abe said he would appoint Sora Aoi as ambassador to China “if I can lick my erection、えーと、election problems.”
Hello Kitty, beloved symbol of all things kawaii, had no comment because she has no mouth.
(Photo Credit: Mainichi)
TACHI-SHOMBEN, Japan (IG News) — Millions of children squealed with delight as the Japanese pool-peeing season kicked off today across the nation.
“Ah, kimochiii!,” exclaimed elementary school student Oshikko Daisuki, “Ain’t nothing like the first pee of the season! I’ve been holding back for a week!”
The Japanese tradition of peeing in pools began in the Heian period (794 to 1185), as noted in Murasaki Shikibu’s classic novel, The Tale of Genji.
“Oh, Prince Genji, your honorable urination is redolent of wisteria blossoms wafting down from the heavens, and indeed its warmth is that of the early morning sun!”
Officials at TEPCO, operator of the containment-challenged Fukushima Daiichi Nuclear Power Plant, denied allegations that American-made robots were peeing in pools used to cool spent fuel rods.
“Categorically untrue,” said TEPCO spokesperson Perky Oppai, “we have elderly volunteers who do that.”
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In other news, former China president Jiang Zemin announced today, “Reports of my death are greatly exaggerated with Chinese characteristics.”