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TOKYO (IG News) — Police arrested 77 chikan train gropers during a one week campaign in greater Tokyo in mid-April and 29 of the 77 were found to be repeat offenders.

“What a bunch of dicks,” said Tokyo Metropolitan Police spokesperson Chikan Shineh, “Who would be stupid enough to molest women on trains during a highly publicized police campaign?”

Fans of the Saikyo and JR Chuo lines were thrilled their favorite chikan-densha were once again tied for the top place in number of arrestees at six pathetic-losers-who-should-be-shot each.

Ureshiidayo! I’m so happy! I ride the Saikyo every day, if you get my drift?” said Chinko “Willy” Atama as he winked-winked and nudge-nudged feverishly, “The Saikyo is like a conveyor belt sushi place for perverts and creeps.”

In a surprise move, the Mayor of Taiji City, Iruka Kuwanei, confirmed rumors that the city’s dolphin fishermen would now use eco-friendly fishhooks baited with live chikan train gropers.

“Dolphins love chikan, they go wild!” said Kuwanei, “we love it when dolphin cackle, ‘who’s your daddy now?’ before they bite!”

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In other news, Google launches new search UI, resulting in billions of searches for “What is UI?”

(Photo: InvisibleGaijin)

TOKYO, Japan (IG News) — InvisibleGaijin and a team of elite activists risked their lives to secretly film the diabolical Japanese slaughtering and baking of cute little bunnies and turtles.

“Japan claims this is scientific research,” said Hyster Eric, head of People for the Ethical Treatment of Anthropomorphically Cute Animals but Not Ugly Fat People, “but this is clearly intended to flout international conventions on endangered baked goods! Oh my god, they actually eat baked goods shaped like cuddly rabbits and cute turtles!”

“Those dang Japanese should eat American beef!” hollered Betcha Fatass, president of the U.S. Arteriolosclerosis Export Federation, “only cultural imperialists would insist otherwise,” who then keeled over from cardiac infarction.

“There are some countries that eat cows and there are other countries that eat whales or dolphins,” said Zenzen Wakattenai, fisheries division director at the Japanese Foreign Ministry. “A film about baked goods shaped like cows or pigs might also be unwelcome to workers in that industry.”

“Save the Rabbits and Turtles! Kill People!” shouted Peter Rabid, yet another random crazy guy with a gun in America, “If Japanese rabbit and turtle baked goods had concealed weapons permits, we wouldn’t be having this discussion. You talking to me? YOU talking to me?”

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In other news, Japan kills 1000s of whales every year. And 110,000 Americans die from obesity in the same period.

(Photo: InvisibleGaijin)

TOKYO, Japan (IG News) — InvisibleGaijin and a team of elite activists risked their lives to secretly film the diabolical Japanese slaughtering and baking of cute little bunnies and turtles.

“Japan claims this is scientific research,” said Hyster Eric, head of People for the Ethical Treatment of Anthropomorphically Cute Animals but Not Ugly Fat People, “but this is clearly intended to flout international conventions on endangered baked goods! Oh my god, they actually eat baked goods shaped like cuddly rabbits and cute turtles!”

“Those dang Japanese should eat American beef!” hollered Betcha Fatass, president of the U.S. Arteriolosclerosis Export Federation, “only cultural imperialists would insist otherwise,” who then keeled over from cardiac infarction.

“There are some countries that eat cows and there are other countries that eat whales or dolphins,” said Zenzen Wakattenai, fisheries division director at the Japanese Foreign Ministry. “A film about baked goods shaped like cows or pigs might also be unwelcome to workers in that industry.”

“Save the Rabbits and Turtles! Kill People!” shouted Peter Rabid, yet another random crazy guy with a gun in America, “If Japanese rabbit and turtle baked goods had concealed weapons permits, we wouldn’t be having this discussion. You talking to me? YOU talking to me?”

# # #

In other news, Japan kills 1000s of whales every year. And 110,000 Americans die from obesity in the same period.

(Photo: Professional penguin handlers line up penguins in preparation for the penguin kick-off ceremony of newlyweds, Mr. & Mrs. Ketobasu Zo.)

Tokyo, JAPAN — Japanese Prime Minister Yukio “Bird” Hatoyama announced today Japan has agreed to stop hunting whales and start kicking penguins.

“Japan will cease hunting whales immediately,” said Hatoyama, “the Japanese people prefer to eat endangered bluefin tuna anyways. And my mommy thinks penguins are cute.”

“We applaud Japan’s humane decision” said Australia Prime Minister Kevin “Kanga” Rudd, “and deny any similarities between whale hunting, the culling of kangaroos, and genocide.”

Social media experts, which does not include uber-geek @stevenagata, predict a boom in “penguin kick-off” ceremonies at Japanese weddings held in exotic overseas locations.

“Penguin kicking is the new iro-naoshi,” chirped Perky Oppai, owner of the Takasugiru Wedding Chapel, “everyone loves the squawk the cute little suckers make!”

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In other news, Japan media bores itself to death through saturation coverage of Olympic figure skaters Mao-chan, Mi-kitty, and what’s-her-name the chubby-faced girl.

Posted via email from invisiblegaijin

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# # #

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New and Improved Armageddon!

It slices, it dices, it even makes julienne fries!

The End of Days can be yours for just $29.99 per month and your eternal soul!

But wait! There’s more! The first 100 callers will also receive a set of Ginsu knives!

The Anti-Christ and his evil minions are standing by to take your call!

Call 0120-666-666 toll-free now!

# # #

All major credit cards accepted. No refunds, no returns. Offer of eternal damnation of your soul void where prohibited.