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BAKABAKASHII, Japan (IG News) — Japan stunned the world today by conducting joint exercises with Godzilla near the  disputed Sanrio island chain, known popularly as “Hello Kitty” in Japan and “Nihao Xiao Mao” in China.

“These islands belong to the world and must be used for the benefit of all people,” said the king of the kaiju, “Can we all get along? Or shall I go crazy on your ass?”

US intelligence officials denied allegations they failed to predict the appearance of the Japanese monster, “Categorically untrue. At the time, we were off-duty, drunk, and attempting rape.”

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In other news, North Korea denied its new satellite carries Kim Jong Eun’s secret stash of Twinkies.

TING BUDONG, China (IG News) — Classified satellite imagery obtained by IG News suggests China may be preparing for military action over the disputed Sanrio island chain, known as “Hello Kitty” in Japan and “Nihao Xiao Mao” in China.

The IG News exclusive photo above shows what appear to be genetically modified midget soldiers in red berets chanting, “Hello Kitty belongs to China!”

CIA analysts believe the weapons are prototypes of the AK-B48 “stealth assault rifle.” Made of plastic, the AK-B48 can only be detected by otaku special operations teams.

Japan opposition leader LDP president Shinzo “Honest” Abe said he would appoint Sora Aoi as ambassador to China “if I can lick my erection、えーと、election problems.”

Hello Kitty, beloved symbol of all things kawaii, had no comment because she has no mouth.

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In other news, Black Friday is now called “A Friday of Color.”
BEIJING (IG News) — Millions of Chinese children were traumatized today by the unmasking of Hello Kitty, who was revealed to be a young Chinese man wearing a costume.

“Buhao, Hello Kitty buhao!” screamed Ying ‘the kid formerly known as little emperor’ Yang, “Hello Kitty is a boy! Arrgh, I think I’m turning Japanese!”

Sanrio spokesperson Perky Oppai had no comment because, like Hello Kitty, she has no mouth.

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In other news, Japan counters Chinese ban on rare earth exports by substituting “medium-rare” and “well-done” earth materials.