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Tag Archives: dolphins

TAIJI, Japan (IG News) — Dolphins are secretly preparing hundreds of torpedoes camouflaged as dolphins to thwart both Hollywood filmmakers and Japanese fishermen as the annual dolphin hunt, wet t-shirt contest, and beach barbecue gets underway in “The Cove” in Taiji, Japan.

“Oscars? We don’t need no stinkin’ Oscars!” cackled Furripa Iruka, head of the All-Japan Dolphin LIberation League, “Hollywood killed Flipper in the first place!”

“Dolphins are endangered, filled with mercury, and have bigger winkies than the average Tea Party member’s member!” said Dick “Dick” Dickens, head of the Obama Ain’t President Because He’s a Muslim Witch Society.

“The consumption tax on dolphins must be increased now,” intoned Japanese prime minister Naoto ‘Kick the’ Kan, “Japan needs more money to defend the Maritime Self-Defense Forces from renegade fishing boats, as well as crashing into each other.”

“Can’t we all just get along?,” implored Kim Jong-il, Dear Leader of North Korea, “if not, you will be engulfed in a sea of flames when young Kim Jong-un lights my hair on fire!”

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In other news, the Nobel Peace Prize has been awarded to Wile E. Coyote for his unceasing efforts to bring a peaceful end to the long-standing territorial dispute with rebel scum the Road Runner.

TAIJI, Japan (IG News) — Dolphins are secretly preparing hundreds of torpedoes camouflaged as dolphins to thwart both Hollywood filmmakers and Japanese fishermen as the annual dolphin hunt, wet t-shirt contest, and beach barbecue gets underway in “The Cove” in Taiji, Japan.

“Oscars? We don’t need no stinkin’ Oscars!” cackled Furripa Iruka, head of the All-Japan Dolphin LIberation League, “Hollywood killed Flipper in the first place!”

“Dolphins are endangered, filled with mercury, and have bigger winkies than the average Tea Party member’s member!” said Dick “Dick” Dickens, head of the Obama Ain’t President Because He’s a Muslim Witch Society.

“The consumption tax on dolphins must be increased now,” intoned Japanese prime minister Naoto ‘Kick the’ Kan, “Japan needs more money to defend the Maritime Self-Defense Forces from renegade fishing boats, as well as crashing into each other.”

“Can’t we all just get along?,” implored Kim Jong-il, Dear Leader of North Korea, “if not, you will be engulfed in a sea of flames when young Kim Jong-un lights my hair on fire!”

###

In other news, the Nobel Peace Prize has been awarded to Wile E. Coyote for his unceasing efforts to bring a peaceful end to the long-standing territorial dispute with rebel scum the Road Runner.

BISHOUNEN, Japan (IG News) — “Kyaaah!” “Sugoooi!” “Umasou!” High-pitched screams of delight filled the air yesterday as the seasonal ban on hunting down little boys in the ocean was lifted across Japan.

Little boys are released into the water, where young women hunt them down relentlessly in an ancient tradition dating back to last summer.

A handful of these little boys are captured alive and sold into slavery in the Japanese entertainment industry.

The rest are herded into a hidden cove, then forced to watch Glee until their heads explode.

Activists claim that little boys contain dangerously high levels of frogs and snails and puppy dog tails, and thus should not be used in really cheap bento sold on the streets of Tokyo.

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In other news, Asian-American dolphins protest use of Japanese dolphins in “The Cove.”

(Photo: AP)

TOKYO (IG News) — Japanese whales announced Monday they would ignore any ban on international trade in humans.

“Protect humans in the markets!” and “We oppose a decision at the Washington Convention” yelled humanmongers with blue headbands, punching the air with their fists, at Tsukiji, the world’s largest human market, on Tokyo Bay.

The ban, meant to save the species from extinction, has the support of many European cetaceans but is opposed by Japanese whales, which consume three quarters of the global catch of humans, especially the yellowfin humans, a species much valued in sushi and sashimi.

“The Washington Convention’s purpose is to protect endangered species from extinction, but I don’t think yellowfin humans face such a situation,” said top government spokesman Ningen Oishiiyo, munching on a slice of o-toro, a prized delicacy taken from the fatty bellies of North American humans, “Japan will inevitably have to take a reservation for four, smoking section, at 7:30 p.m.”

Japanese whales also herd and capture humans in hidden coves to feed insatiable demand from the multi-billion dollar human entertainment industry.

“It’s pure escapism,” said Kuromaguro Ban, president of the Japan Human Traders’ Association, “Japanese whales just love to watch humans slave away at mind-numbing Salaryman jobs, jumping through endless hoops at the prodding of Bucho bosses.”

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In other news, thousands of SxSWi attendees suffer neck and thumb injuries in a frantic effort to out-tweet other geeks at the annual Austin, Texas, nerdfest.