Skip navigation

Tag Archives: china

shanghai_metro_1

On the Shanghai Metro, Wang Xiaodidi accepts that the bloom of her youth has faded but, thank Mao, she still has her hair.

godzilla_bring_it

 

BAKABAKASHII, Japan (IG News) — Japan stunned the world today by conducting joint exercises with Godzilla near the  disputed Sanrio island chain, known popularly as “Hello Kitty” in Japan and “Nihao Xiao Mao” in China.

“These islands belong to the world and must be used for the benefit of all people,” said the king of the kaiju, “Can we all get along? Or shall I go crazy on your ass?”

US intelligence officials denied allegations they failed to predict the appearance of the Japanese monster, “Categorically untrue. At the time, we were off-duty, drunk, and attempting rape.”

# # #

In other news, North Korea denied its new satellite carries Kim Jong Eun’s secret stash of Twinkies.

TING BUDONG, China (IG News) — Classified satellite imagery obtained by IG News suggests China may be preparing for military action over the disputed Sanrio island chain, known as “Hello Kitty” in Japan and “Nihao Xiao Mao” in China.

The IG News exclusive photo above shows what appear to be genetically modified midget soldiers in red berets chanting, “Hello Kitty belongs to China!”

CIA analysts believe the weapons are prototypes of the AK-B48 “stealth assault rifle.” Made of plastic, the AK-B48 can only be detected by otaku special operations teams.

Japan opposition leader LDP president Shinzo “Honest” Abe said he would appoint Sora Aoi as ambassador to China “if I can lick my erection、えーと、election problems.”

Hello Kitty, beloved symbol of all things kawaii, had no comment because she has no mouth.

###

In other news, Black Friday is now called “A Friday of Color.”

BEIJING (IG News) — Millions of young Chinese women are clamoring to wear Ugg-Li boots, this season’s hottest fashion trend.

“I love my Ugg-Li boots, they’re so cool, they’re hot,” said noted Beijing fashionista, Feicheng Buhao, “I predict this will be hotter than bowl cut bangs and eyeglasses with no lenses!”

Ugg-Li, a joint venture of Australia’s Ugg Boots Pty Ltd and China’s Gei Li Enterprises, launched the boots when a miscommunication resulted in the original Ugg design being manufactured inside-out.

“When life hands you wombats, make koalas, as we say down under,” commented Pavlova Lammington, chief designer at Ugg, “Ugg-Li boots are today’s to-die-for fashion item.”

“Next, we will launch in world markets,” said Gei Li CEO Dadong Kaoya, “Ugg-Li boots are going to be the next big Chinese export following the global success of ‘made by China’ high-speed rail controllers!”

###

In other news, Air China announced today “the probability of interesting in-flight video is inversely proportional to the length of delay before boarding.”

 

 

 

(Photo Credit: China Daily)

BEIJING, China (IG News) — The Zombie Party of China (ZPC) elected today Jiang Zemin as its general secretary and president.

“Death is wasted on the dead,” proclaimed Jiang to cheers from millions of zombies gathered at the Wangfujing McDonalds, “and reports of my death are greatly exaggerated with Chinese characteristics.”

Popularly known as “Uncle Jiangshi,” Jiang explained the ZPC’s political vision, “Reviewing the course of zombie struggle and the basic experience over the past 80 years and looking ahead to the arduous tasks and bright future in the new century, our Party should continue to stand in the forefront of the times and lead the zombie in marching toward victory. In a word, the Party must always represent the requirements of the development of China’s advanced zombie productive forces, the orientation of the development of China’s advanced zombie culture, and the fundamental interests of the overwhelming majority of the zombie in China.”

ZPC spokesperson Ting Budong declined to comment on rumors of that Ichiro Ozawa and Yukio Hatoyama were planning to launch the Zombie Party of Japan (ZPJ).

# # #

In other news, Japan upsets Germany at Women’s World Cup but both countries pledge to “remain BFF.”

 

 

 

 

XI’AN, China (IG Fashion News) — The hottest fashion trend this summer in China is big white bloomers visible beneath a pink gingham sundress, complemented by pink Converse All-Stars.

“This look captures the innocence and awkwardness of youth,” proclaimed Niubi NiuB, head designer of Xi’an Tang, “and combined with a knock-kneed walk, this look is guaranteed to bring middle-aged men to their knees.”

“I like the way old guys start drooling when they pretend not to be looking,” giggled Xi’an middle schooler Xiao Lola, “it’s simultaneously cute and pathetic!”

In other fashion news, the “show off your beer belly” look remains the standard for Chinese men.

“Nothing says success like a big buddha belly proudly thrust out for all to see,” commented fashion commentator Ting Budong, “the classics never go out of style.”

# # #

In other news, the people want to know, “does baby shampoo ever grow up?”