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TORINO (IG News) — Japan’s Asada Mao defeated Kim Yu-na of Korea today at the World Ferocious Face & Figure Skating Championships.

“Growl!” snapped Asada, who is not related to Mexico’s Carne Asada, “I’m so happy that I nailed the triple-brow-furrow and double-sneer combination!”

“Yarrrgh!” snarled Kim, who is not related to Korea’s Kim Chee, “I can neither confirm nor deny rumors that I will retire and become a pirate.”

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In other news, the Vatican announced the Catholic Church will stop using a pedometer as part of the interview process for prospective priests.

(Photo: @doramimy)

JAPAN (IG News) — The Emperor and Empress of Hinamatsuri unleashed thousands of hina-ningyo warrior dolls today to invade Korea in retaliation for Kim Yu-na’s victory over Asada Mao in the Vancouver Olympics.

“This shall be the mother of all Hinamatsuri,” intoned Emperor Jodan Desuyo, “Cry ‘Havoc!’, and let slip the dogs of war.”

Prime Minster Yukio “Bird” Hatoyama denied rumors that Japan was invading Korea in hopes of relocating the Futenma Air Station in Seoul, “Gee, I wish I’d thought of that!”

“I ate an onigiri before skating!” gushed Asada Mao as she nailed a triple axel, “I guess I should have eaten kimchi!”

Popular Japanese BBS 2ch, which was taken down by a band of Korean hackers known as The Yu-na Phish Sandwiches, declared, “Corea, yo mama is onara! We are releasing our secret weapon!
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In other news, Toyota denied rumors it was recalling CEO Akio Toyoda to replace a sticky brain.
TOKYO (IG News)–Asada Mao, Olympic silver medalist, issued a tsunami warning for Japan today during her exhibition routine at the Vancouver Olympics.

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Posted via email from invisiblegaijin

TOKYO (IG News) — Millions of Japanese mourned the loss of the woman’s figure skating gold medal to that bitch Kim Yu-na of South Korea.

“Today, February 26th, a day that shall live in infamy,” said Prime Minister Yukio “Bird” Hatoyama before breaking down in tears, “I can’t believe Mao-chan lost to that bitch Kim Yu-na.”

Rioting broke out in front of the Republic of Korea embassy in Tokyo, as self-proclaimed “Mao-ists” clashed with Kim Yu-na supporters known as “Yu-na Sandwiches.”

“Mao-chan was robbed!” shouted Ninnikukusai Orewa, head of the Japan Federation of Old Farts, “Mao-chan nailed the triple axel, whatever that is, and is much more kawaii than that bitch Kim Yu-na.”

“In the spirit of the Olympic movement, what is important to remember is both athletes gave their best,” said South Korean President Lee “Yukke” Myung-Bak, “the Korean people’s joy has nothing to do with revenge for Japan’s oppressive colonization of Korea and cultural genocide of 1910-1945. Yeah, right. Who’s your daddy now?! Bwah-hah-ha!”

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In other news, Japanese Defense Minister Utsuzo Teppo denied rumors that Japan was planning to invade the disputed Takeshima islands early Saturday morning when the entire Korean nation will be waking up with the 엄마 of hangovers.

Posted via email from invisiblegaijin