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Category Archives: satire
BAKABAKASHII, Japan (IG News) — Japan stunned the world today by conducting joint exercises with Godzilla near the disputed Sanrio island chain, known popularly as “Hello Kitty” in Japan and “Nihao Xiao Mao” in China.
“These islands belong to the world and must be used for the benefit of all people,” said the king of the kaiju, “Can we all get along? Or shall I go crazy on your ass?”
US intelligence officials denied allegations they failed to predict the appearance of the Japanese monster, “Categorically untrue. At the time, we were off-duty, drunk, and attempting rape.”
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In other news, North Korea denied its new satellite carries Kim Jong Eun’s secret stash of Twinkies.
TING BUDONG, China (IG News) — Classified satellite imagery obtained by IG News suggests China may be preparing for military action over the disputed Sanrio island chain, known as “Hello Kitty” in Japan and “Nihao Xiao Mao” in China.
The IG News exclusive photo above shows what appear to be genetically modified midget soldiers in red berets chanting, “Hello Kitty belongs to China!”
CIA analysts believe the weapons are prototypes of the AK-B48 “stealth assault rifle.” Made of plastic, the AK-B48 can only be detected by otaku special operations teams.
Japan opposition leader LDP president Shinzo “Honest” Abe said he would appoint Sora Aoi as ambassador to China “if I can lick my erection、えーと、election problems.”
Hello Kitty, beloved symbol of all things kawaii, had no comment because she has no mouth.
In other news, Black Friday is now called “A Friday of Color.”
TOKYO (IG News) — Tokyo governor Shintaro “Tic-Tic-Tic” Ishihara announced a new Olympic event for the visually challenged, opening the city’s bid for the 2020 Summer Games.
“Shuffle, shuffle, wham!,” chortled Ishihara, “man, that’s funnier than the joke about a blind guy feeling elephant testicles and thinking, ‘ah, Yubari melons!’”
Recent polls show that 8.4% of Tokyoites agree another half billion dollar Olympic bid “can’t hurt,” 12.2% believe “eating seaweed cures baldness,“ and 79.4% responded, “Ishihara? Isn’t he dead?”
Other proposed events include “Upskirt Photography,” “Pin the Tail on AKB48,” and “4 x 100m Washlet™ Relay.”
Tokyo housewife Perky Oppai commented, “There are none so blind as those who can not pee without a catheter.”
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In other news, “cool biz” re-named “sweat-like-a-sumo-in-a-sauna biz.”
(Photo credit: Mainichi)
KYOTO, Japan (IG News) — Chahan Omori, chief priest of Yogoremizu Temple in Kyoto’s Higashi-Sonomamayama Ward, writes the kanji character for “bakayaro” (“TEPCO bites the big one”), which was chosen as the kanji character of the year, during an annual ceremony at the temple on Dec. 12.
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In other news,
@TEPCO_CEO denies rumors that dangerous levels of rice have been discovered in TEPCO cesium.
(Photo Credit: China Daily)
BEIJING, China (IG News) — The Zombie Party of China (ZPC) elected today Jiang Zemin as its general secretary and president.
“Death is wasted on the dead,” proclaimed Jiang to cheers from millions of zombies gathered at the Wangfujing McDonalds, “and reports of my death are greatly exaggerated with Chinese characteristics.”
Popularly known as “Uncle Jiangshi,” Jiang explained the ZPC’s political vision, “Reviewing the course of zombie struggle and the basic experience over the past 80 years and looking ahead to the arduous tasks and bright future in the new century, our Party should continue to stand in the forefront of the times and lead the zombie in marching toward victory. In a word, the Party must always represent the requirements of the development of China’s advanced zombie productive forces, the orientation of the development of China’s advanced zombie culture, and the fundamental interests of the overwhelming majority of the zombie in China.”
ZPC spokesperson Ting Budong declined to comment on rumors of that Ichiro Ozawa and Yukio Hatoyama were planning to launch the Zombie Party of Japan (ZPJ).
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In other news, Japan upsets Germany at Women’s World Cup but both countries pledge to “remain BFF.”
DPJ to Japanese people: S.O.S.*
*Same. Old. Shit.
SHIBA, Japan (IG News) — The Democratic Party of Japan announced a new subsidy for puppies following a stunning repudiation by Japanese voters yesterday.
“Everybody loves puppies and everybody loves subsidies,” said prime minister Naoto “Can-Can” Kan, “just don’t tell people it’s their tax money to begin with and they’ll fall for it.”
“Kawaii! I love puppies! Free money?! I love free money!” cackled Henna Obasan, who previously supported the Liberal Democrat Old Farts, “DPJ’s got my vote! Bwah-hah-ha!”
DPJ candidate Shiro the White Softbank Dog failed in his bid for election, losing to internet celebrity Pedo-Bear.
In conceding defeat, Shiro the White Softbank Dog scoffed at allegations of infidelity and interspecies sex, commenting, “Hey, all men are dogs.”
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In other news, star of The Cove says video shows cruelty to Octopus Paul.