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Category Archives: olympics

TOKYO (IG News) — Tokyo governor Shintaro “Tic-Tic-Tic” Ishihara announced a new Olympic event for the visually challenged, opening the city’s bid for the 2020 Summer Games.

“Shuffle, shuffle, wham!,” chortled Ishihara, “man, that’s funnier than the joke about a blind guy feeling elephant testicles and thinking, ‘ah, Yubari melons!’”

Recent polls show that 8.4% of Tokyoites agree another half billion dollar Olympic bid “can’t hurt,” 12.2% believe “eating seaweed cures baldness,“ and 79.4% responded, “Ishihara? Isn’t he dead?”

Other proposed events include “Upskirt Photography,” “Pin the Tail on AKB48,” and “4 x 100m Washlet™ Relay.”

Tokyo housewife Perky Oppai commented, “There are none so blind as those who can not pee without a catheter.”

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In other news, “cool biz” re-named “sweat-like-a-sumo-in-a-sauna biz.”

(Photo: @doramimy)

JAPAN (IG News) — The Emperor and Empress of Hinamatsuri unleashed thousands of hina-ningyo warrior dolls today to invade Korea in retaliation for Kim Yu-na’s victory over Asada Mao in the Vancouver Olympics.

“This shall be the mother of all Hinamatsuri,” intoned Emperor Jodan Desuyo, “Cry ‘Havoc!’, and let slip the dogs of war.”

Prime Minster Yukio “Bird” Hatoyama denied rumors that Japan was invading Korea in hopes of relocating the Futenma Air Station in Seoul, “Gee, I wish I’d thought of that!”

“I ate an onigiri before skating!” gushed Asada Mao as she nailed a triple axel, “I guess I should have eaten kimchi!”

Popular Japanese BBS 2ch, which was taken down by a band of Korean hackers known as The Yu-na Phish Sandwiches, declared, “Corea, yo mama is onara! We are releasing our secret weapon!
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In other news, Toyota denied rumors it was recalling CEO Akio Toyoda to replace a sticky brain.
TOKYO (IG News)–Asada Mao, Olympic silver medalist, issued a tsunami warning for Japan today during her exhibition routine at the Vancouver Olympics.

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In other news, Japan’s GDP drops 5% as everyone stops work to watch Asada Mao.

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(Photo: Mainichi Daily News)

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In other news, a new event has been added to the 2014 Olympics: Short-Track Nationalism.

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TOKYO (IG News) — Millions of Japanese mourned the loss of the woman’s figure skating gold medal to that bitch Kim Yu-na of South Korea.

“Today, February 26th, a day that shall live in infamy,” said Prime Minister Yukio “Bird” Hatoyama before breaking down in tears, “I can’t believe Mao-chan lost to that bitch Kim Yu-na.”

Rioting broke out in front of the Republic of Korea embassy in Tokyo, as self-proclaimed “Mao-ists” clashed with Kim Yu-na supporters known as “Yu-na Sandwiches.”

“Mao-chan was robbed!” shouted Ninnikukusai Orewa, head of the Japan Federation of Old Farts, “Mao-chan nailed the triple axel, whatever that is, and is much more kawaii than that bitch Kim Yu-na.”

“In the spirit of the Olympic movement, what is important to remember is both athletes gave their best,” said South Korean President Lee “Yukke” Myung-Bak, “the Korean people’s joy has nothing to do with revenge for Japan’s oppressive colonization of Korea and cultural genocide of 1910-1945. Yeah, right. Who’s your daddy now?! Bwah-hah-ha!”

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In other news, Japanese Defense Minister Utsuzo Teppo denied rumors that Japan was planning to invade the disputed Takeshima islands early Saturday morning when the entire Korean nation will be waking up with the 엄마 of hangovers.

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CUPERTINO, California (IG News) — Apple announced today that it was removing the popular “Miki Ando’s Cross and Cleavage Costume” app from the iTunes App Store.

Philip “Da Prude” Schiller, head of worldwide product marketing at Apple, said, “We obviously care about dirty old men’s fantasies about Japanese figure skaters but in the end we have to put the needs of the kids and parents first.”

“We were getting customer complaints from women who found the costume too degrading and objectionable, as well as wives who were upset with what their husbands were able to see on mobile devices,” Mr. Schiller said.

“Ridiculous! Mikitty’s costume is not stimulating my prurient interest,” said Oyaji Sukebe, head of the Federation of Japanese Old Farts, “I do that with my hands.”

Pope “Eggs” Benedict XVI, the 265th and reigning Pope, by virtue of his office of Bishop of Rome, the head of the Catholic Church and Sovereign of the Vatican City State, said, “In oppai veritas.”

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In other news, South Korea called off an invasion of Japan after Kim Yu-na’s short program performance placed her in first place ahead of Japanese figure skater Asada Mao.

Posted via email from invisiblegaijin

CUPERTINO, California (IG News) — Apple announced today that it was removing the popular “Miki Ando’s Cross and Cleavage Costume” app from the iTunes App Store.

Philip “Da Prude” Schiller, head of worldwide product marketing at Apple, said, “We obviously care about dirty old men’s fantasies about Japanese figure skaters but in the end we have to put the needs of the kids and parents first.”

“We were getting customer complaints from women who found the costume too degrading and objectionable, as well as wives who were upset with what their husbands were able to see on mobile devices,” Mr. Schiller said.

“Ridiculous! Mikitty’s costume is not stimulating my prurient interest,” said Oyaji Sukebe, head of the Federation of Japanese Old Farts, “I do that with my hands.”

Pope “Eggs” Benedict XVI, the 265th and reigning Pope, by virtue of his office of Bishop of Rome, the head of the Catholic Church and Sovereign of the Vatican City State, said, “In oppai veritas.”

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In other news, South Korea called off an invasion of Japan after Kim Yu-na’s short program performance placed her in first place ahead of Japanese figure skater Asada Mao.