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TOKYO (IG News) — Former manga and anime star Atomu “Tom” Tetsuwan was arrested today on suspicion of impersonating a Catholic priest at the entrance ceremony of the Gakushuin Primary School.

“I’m innocent,” said the robot, more popularly known in Hollywood as Astro Boy, “Why can’t you share your bed? The most loving thing to do is to share your bed with someone.”

In a surprise appearance at the arraignment, Pope “Eggs” Benedict encouraged Astro Boy to have “the courage of not allowing oneself to be intimidated by the petty gossip of dominant opinion” and then patted him on his cute little metallic ass.

Officials of the Gakushuin Primary School denied allegations that Astro Boy was involved in the alleged “rough behavior” that frightened Princess “Love Child” of the Imperial Family.

Issei “No Don!” Bakamura, Grandmaster Flash of Crown Prince Naruhodo’s household, said the 8-year-old princess suffered from anxiety and stomach problems after seeing that Astro Boy was not designed in an anatomically correct manner.

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In other news, @politicomix’s “Kobe Chicken” shirt is this season’s hottest fashion item in Tokyo – buy yours at http://bit.ly/aPXiL0

TOKYO (IG News) — A new party to be formed Saturday by veteran politicians defecting from the Liberal Democratic Party and an independent lawmaker will be named Koheto Nippon, which literally means “Old Fart Party of Japan” in English.

The new party’s initial goal is to “make sure the ruling coalition parties do not attain a majority [of farts] in the House of Councillors election” this summer so that the opposition parties can control the flatulence of the upper house, resulting in a situation in which one side controls the lower chamber of the Diet and the other side the upper chamber of the nation’s political rectum.

Response by Japanese voters to yet another political party was swift on Twitter.

“Old farts cut the cheese in the first place! We need new farts なう! Yes, we can!” tweeted Arafo Konkatsu, letting loose with a silent but deadly onara, incapacitating thousands of evening commuters on the Chiyoda subway.

Tokyo governor Shintaro “Twitchy” Ishihara, who named the new Tachiagare Nippon Party, denied rumors that he named the Koheto Nippon Party, as well as the Dodemo Ii Party or “Who gives a shit?” party.

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In other news, millions of Japanese are rushing to buy the limited edition Koheto Nippon t-shirt here.

TOKYO (IG News) — A new party to be formed Saturday by veteran politicians defecting from the Liberal Democratic Party and an independent lawmaker will be named Koheto Nippon, which literally means “Old Fart Party of Japan” in English.

The new party’s initial goal is to “make sure the ruling coalition parties do not attain a majority [of farts] in the House of Councillors election” this summer so that the opposition parties can control the flatulence of the upper house, resulting in a situation in which one side controls the lower chamber of the Diet and the other side the upper chamber of the nation’s political rectum.

Response by Japanese voters to yet another political party was swift on Twitter.

“Old farts cut the cheese in the first place! We need new farts なう! Yes, we can!” tweeted Arafo Konkatsu, letting loose with a silent but deadly onara, incapacitating thousands of evening commuters on the Chiyoda subway.

Tokyo governor Shintaro “Twitchy” Ishihara, who named the new Tachiagare Nippon Party, denied rumors that he named the Koheto Nippon Party, as well as the Dodemo Ii Party or “Who gives a shit?” party.

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In other news, millions of Japanese are rushing to buy the limited edition Koheto Nippon t-shirt here.

TOKYO (IG News) — Five former members of the Liberal Democratic Old Farts Party have launched a new political party in Japan called 「たちあがれ日本」or the “Get It Up, Japan!” Party.

“It’s time for Japan to get it up again,” said Takeo “Droopy” Hiranuma turgidly, “it’s been too long since we’ve had a tumescent Japan.”

“Japan must stand erect,” stated former Finance Minister Kaoru “Yes, it’s my real hair!” Yosano swellingly, “the rigidity of the Japanese spirit amongst our members shall rise once again.”

“Let me be clear, it will be a long and hard ride,” intoned Prime Minister Yukio “Bird” Hatoyama tumidly, “this is not the time to distend and engorge ourselves with orotund language.”

“No more excuses,” panted Perky Oppai, chairperson of the Obasan Just Want to Have Fun Party, “Japan, just get it up already!”

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In other news, (^o^)/(⌒0⌒)/~~


TOKYO (IG News) — A new catchphrase, “Japan. Endless Discovery.”, designed to woo more foreign tourists to Japan was unveiled by Minister of Tourism Seiji “Yokoso!” Maehara.

“We want to let people know how good tourism in Japan is,” said Maehara, “and that’s why we are also introducing this list of “Top Ten Tourist Discoveries in Japan.”

  1. Geisha look like your grandmother, not Zhang Ziyi.
  2. Public restrooms can be spotless or filthy but either way there’s no hand soap.
  3. Real Otaku are kind of creepy.
  4. O-genki desu ka” is not a commonly used greeting, except among tourists.
  5. Akihabara maids are the new Ginza hostesses, highly skilled in the art of separating men from their money.
  6. “Lost in Translation” actually means “functionally illiterate.”
  7. Demonstrating one’s martial arts skills is a good way to get your ass kicked.
  8. You lack the core strength needed to use Japanese squat toilets.
  9. “Live” is not necessarily better than “raw” fish.
  10. All the Japanese gifts you can afford to buy are made in China.

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In other news, tourists have been banned from the Tsukiji Fish Market again for “touching the tuna,” which is not be confused with “slapping the monkey.”

Vatican City (IG News) — Pope “Eggs” Benedict XVI announced today the Church’s solution to child abuse by Catholic priests.

Caedite eos. Novit enim Dominus qui sunt eius,” said the Pope, “Kill them all and let God sort them out.”

“Die Endlösung ist hier,” declared the Pope, ordering the deployment of the Vatican’s elite special forces team, shown in photo above.

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In other news, April Fool’s Day has been postponed to April 2nd.

TORINO (IG News) — Japan’s Asada Mao defeated Kim Yu-na of Korea today at the World Ferocious Face & Figure Skating Championships.

“Growl!” snapped Asada, who is not related to Mexico’s Carne Asada, “I’m so happy that I nailed the triple-brow-furrow and double-sneer combination!”

“Yarrrgh!” snarled Kim, who is not related to Korea’s Kim Chee, “I can neither confirm nor deny rumors that I will retire and become a pirate.”

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In other news, the Vatican announced the Catholic Church will stop using a pedometer as part of the interview process for prospective priests.

(Photo: AP)

TOKYO (IG News) — Japanese whales announced Monday they would ignore any ban on international trade in humans.

“Protect humans in the markets!” and “We oppose a decision at the Washington Convention” yelled humanmongers with blue headbands, punching the air with their fists, at Tsukiji, the world’s largest human market, on Tokyo Bay.

The ban, meant to save the species from extinction, has the support of many European cetaceans but is opposed by Japanese whales, which consume three quarters of the global catch of humans, especially the yellowfin humans, a species much valued in sushi and sashimi.

“The Washington Convention’s purpose is to protect endangered species from extinction, but I don’t think yellowfin humans face such a situation,” said top government spokesman Ningen Oishiiyo, munching on a slice of o-toro, a prized delicacy taken from the fatty bellies of North American humans, “Japan will inevitably have to take a reservation for four, smoking section, at 7:30 p.m.”

Japanese whales also herd and capture humans in hidden coves to feed insatiable demand from the multi-billion dollar human entertainment industry.

“It’s pure escapism,” said Kuromaguro Ban, president of the Japan Human Traders’ Association, “Japanese whales just love to watch humans slave away at mind-numbing Salaryman jobs, jumping through endless hoops at the prodding of Bucho bosses.”

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In other news, thousands of SxSWi attendees suffer neck and thumb injuries in a frantic effort to out-tweet other geeks at the annual Austin, Texas, nerdfest.

TOKYO (IG News) — A 25-year-old former civil servant was crowned this year’s Miss Underarm Japan on Tuesday.

“I can’t believe it,” said Maido Itaizo after winning the 2010 Miss Underarm Japan pageant held in Tokyo on Tuesdsay, as tears came to her eyes. “I want to represent all of the Japanese people’s underarms at the international competition.”

Itaizo, who lives in Kusaizo City in Waki Prefecture, spoke English and Klingon during her speech at Tuesday’s contest, “Heghpu’ jib ghajbe’ qabqu’boghfhach!” said Itaizo with a winning smile before chopping off Miss Congeniality’s head with a bat’leth.

Itaizo, who was selected from among some 4,000 applicants, will compete at the Miss Underarm pageant in July after four month of intense training, including a diet of natto, blue cheese, and raw garlic to ensure pungency.

Japan has been performing well at the annual international competition for the past few years despite objections from feminists who decry the objectification of female armpits.

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In other news, the Sea Shepard turns around again, heads to Tokyo to save Sumo rikishi.