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Category Archives: IG News

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BAKABAKASHII, Japan (IG News) — Japan stunned the world today by conducting joint exercises with Godzilla near the  disputed Sanrio island chain, known popularly as “Hello Kitty” in Japan and “Nihao Xiao Mao” in China.

“These islands belong to the world and must be used for the benefit of all people,” said the king of the kaiju, “Can we all get along? Or shall I go crazy on your ass?”

US intelligence officials denied allegations they failed to predict the appearance of the Japanese monster, “Categorically untrue. At the time, we were off-duty, drunk, and attempting rape.”

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In other news, North Korea denied its new satellite carries Kim Jong Eun’s secret stash of Twinkies.

TOKYO (IG News) — Tokyo governor Shintaro “Tic-Tic-Tic” Ishihara announced a new Olympic event for the visually challenged, opening the city’s bid for the 2020 Summer Games.

“Shuffle, shuffle, wham!,” chortled Ishihara, “man, that’s funnier than the joke about a blind guy feeling elephant testicles and thinking, ‘ah, Yubari melons!’”

Recent polls show that 8.4% of Tokyoites agree another half billion dollar Olympic bid “can’t hurt,” 12.2% believe “eating seaweed cures baldness,“ and 79.4% responded, “Ishihara? Isn’t he dead?”

Other proposed events include “Upskirt Photography,” “Pin the Tail on AKB48,” and “4 x 100m Washlet™ Relay.”

Tokyo housewife Perky Oppai commented, “There are none so blind as those who can not pee without a catheter.”

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In other news, “cool biz” re-named “sweat-like-a-sumo-in-a-sauna biz.”

(Photo credit: Mainichi)

KYOTO, Japan (IG News) — Chahan Omori, chief priest of Yogoremizu Temple in Kyoto’s Higashi-Sonomamayama Ward, writes the kanji character for “bakayaro” (“TEPCO bites the big one”), which was chosen as the kanji character of the year, during an annual ceremony at the temple on Dec. 12.

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In other news, @TEPCO_CEO denies rumors that dangerous levels of rice have been discovered in TEPCO cesium.

BEIJING (IG News) — Millions of young Chinese women are clamoring to wear Ugg-Li boots, this season’s hottest fashion trend.

“I love my Ugg-Li boots, they’re so cool, they’re hot,” said noted Beijing fashionista, Feicheng Buhao, “I predict this will be hotter than bowl cut bangs and eyeglasses with no lenses!”

Ugg-Li, a joint venture of Australia’s Ugg Boots Pty Ltd and China’s Gei Li Enterprises, launched the boots when a miscommunication resulted in the original Ugg design being manufactured inside-out.

“When life hands you wombats, make koalas, as we say down under,” commented Pavlova Lammington, chief designer at Ugg, “Ugg-Li boots are today’s to-die-for fashion item.”

“Next, we will launch in world markets,” said Gei Li CEO Dadong Kaoya, “Ugg-Li boots are going to be the next big Chinese export following the global success of ‘made by China’ high-speed rail controllers!”

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In other news, Air China announced today “the probability of interesting in-flight video is inversely proportional to the length of delay before boarding.”

 

 

 

 

(Photo Credit: Mainichi)

TACHI-SHOMBEN, Japan (IG News) — Millions of children squealed with delight as the Japanese pool-peeing season kicked off today across the nation.

Ah, kimochiii!,” exclaimed elementary school student Oshikko Daisuki, “Ain’t nothing like the first pee of the season! I’ve been holding back for a week!”

The Japanese tradition of peeing in pools began in the Heian period (794 to 1185), as noted in Murasaki Shikibu’s classic novel, The Tale of Genji.

“Oh, Prince Genji, your honorable urination is redolent of wisteria blossoms wafting down from the heavens, and indeed its warmth is that of the early morning sun!”

Officials at TEPCO, operator of the containment-challenged Fukushima Daiichi Nuclear Power Plant, denied allegations that American-made robots were peeing in pools used to cool spent fuel rods.

“Categorically untrue,” said TEPCO spokesperson Perky Oppai, “we have elderly volunteers who do that.”

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In other news, former China president Jiang Zemin announced today, “Reports of my death are greatly exaggerated with Chinese characteristics.”

 

TAIJI, Japan (IG News) — Dolphins are secretly preparing hundreds of torpedoes camouflaged as dolphins to thwart both Hollywood filmmakers and Japanese fishermen as the annual dolphin hunt, wet t-shirt contest, and beach barbecue gets underway in “The Cove” in Taiji, Japan.

“Oscars? We don’t need no stinkin’ Oscars!” cackled Furripa Iruka, head of the All-Japan Dolphin LIberation League, “Hollywood killed Flipper in the first place!”

“Dolphins are endangered, filled with mercury, and have bigger winkies than the average Tea Party member’s member!” said Dick “Dick” Dickens, head of the Obama Ain’t President Because He’s a Muslim Witch Society.

“The consumption tax on dolphins must be increased now,” intoned Japanese prime minister Naoto ‘Kick the’ Kan, “Japan needs more money to defend the Maritime Self-Defense Forces from renegade fishing boats, as well as crashing into each other.”

“Can’t we all just get along?,” implored Kim Jong-il, Dear Leader of North Korea, “if not, you will be engulfed in a sea of flames when young Kim Jong-un lights my hair on fire!”

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In other news, the Nobel Peace Prize has been awarded to Wile E. Coyote for his unceasing efforts to bring a peaceful end to the long-standing territorial dispute with rebel scum the Road Runner.

TAIJI, Japan (IG News) — Dolphins are secretly preparing hundreds of torpedoes camouflaged as dolphins to thwart both Hollywood filmmakers and Japanese fishermen as the annual dolphin hunt, wet t-shirt contest, and beach barbecue gets underway in “The Cove” in Taiji, Japan.

“Oscars? We don’t need no stinkin’ Oscars!” cackled Furripa Iruka, head of the All-Japan Dolphin LIberation League, “Hollywood killed Flipper in the first place!”

“Dolphins are endangered, filled with mercury, and have bigger winkies than the average Tea Party member’s member!” said Dick “Dick” Dickens, head of the Obama Ain’t President Because He’s a Muslim Witch Society.

“The consumption tax on dolphins must be increased now,” intoned Japanese prime minister Naoto ‘Kick the’ Kan, “Japan needs more money to defend the Maritime Self-Defense Forces from renegade fishing boats, as well as crashing into each other.”

“Can’t we all just get along?,” implored Kim Jong-il, Dear Leader of North Korea, “if not, you will be engulfed in a sea of flames when young Kim Jong-un lights my hair on fire!”

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In other news, the Nobel Peace Prize has been awarded to Wile E. Coyote for his unceasing efforts to bring a peaceful end to the long-standing territorial dispute with rebel scum the Road Runner.

SORANOTABI, Japan (IG News) – Japan Airlines announced today it would begin using children to tow airplanes into terminals to cut costs.

“We will also begin offering a choice of whale or dolphin on international flights,” said JAL spokesperson Perky Oppai.
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