Monthly Archives: June 2011
(Photo Credit: Mainichi)
OMOSHIROKUNEI, Japan (IG News) — Scientists are unable to explain the psychic abilities of Bibi, a beagle living in a rural area of Japan, who predicted “multiple core meltdowns, corporate coverups, and incompetent emergency response” a month before the Fukushima nuclear event.
“Prime Minister Naoto Kan’s cabinet will not last another 90 days,” panted Bibi through her owner, noted natto sculptor Inchiki Kana, who has mind-melded with the dog since it was a puppy, “and you will feed me using a red plastic bowl, then take me for a walk.”
“We are at a loss to explain how a beagle can predict the future with such astounding accuracy,” said Kekko Kamaboko, chief scientist at TEPCO, “she’s more accurate than our reactor meltdown simulations!”
“Ichiro Ozawa won’t go to jail,” woofed Bibi, “and Sarah Palin won’t win the presidency, just split the anti-Obama vote.”
When asked about the future of humanity, Bibi howled mournfully, “You are all going to die, leaving only regrets over unrealized ambition.”
In other news, New York passes gay marriage law, requires all marriages to be “happy and carefree.”
(Photo Credit: @doramimy)
TOKYO, Japan (IG News) – Doraemon, beloved robotic cat from the future, confessed today, “I have ears, I have always had ears, and I regret hiding my ears for all these years.”
New York Times reporter Hiroko Tabuchi broke the story while investigating rumors Doraemon allegedly used Twitter to send photos of his “ear bulges” to young anime characters.
“I don’t know what I was thinking,” said a tearful Doraemon, “I have not been honest with myself, my family, my constituents, my friends.”
“Mmmphth,” said Hello Kitty, an alleged recipient of Doraemon’s lewd tweets, but had no further comment because she has no mouth.
“China invented ear bulges during the Han Dynasty,” commented Chinese historian Ting Budong, “and this invention is celebrated on the 4th day of the 6th month by all patriotic Chinese.”
In other news, punctuation is important: “the penis mightier than the S word.”