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Monthly Archives: January 2011

BEIJING (IG News) — Three foreign women were found frozen solid today outside a down jacket store in the Chaoyang district of Beijing.”Beijing is very cold and dry this time of year,” commented Hěn Lěng, chief of the frozen foreigner registration section of the public security bureau, “it is important to dress properly, carry your passport and work permit at all times, and smile warmly to ward off the cold.”

“Wow, what kind of whitening products do they use?” exclaimed local shopkeeper Bù Piàoliang, “I wish I could achieve an unattainable standard of beauty imposed upon Chinese women by culturally imperialistic advertising!”

“I don’t know but I’ve been told foreign frozen women’s toes are mighty cold,” commented US military attache Case Samsonite, “Hup-two-three-four, hep-two-three-four.”

“China invented frozen women during the Qing Dynasty,” noted Jīntiān Dàfēng, president of the Patriotic Frozen Women Federation of China, “This is yet another example of the rest of the world catching up to China.”

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In other news, Barack Obama and Hu Jintao agreed today to exchange recipes for Kung Pao Chicken.

BEIJING (IG News) – Japan deployed today a new class of stealth anti-fishing-boat fishing boats to counter growing threats to the nation’s maritime security.

“This new class of stealthy fishing boats has the radar cross-section of shirako,” commented Ting Budong, senior analcyst at the Sino-Institute of Stealthy Stuff, “and radar-reflective white face paint makes the crew look like the ghost of Michael Jackson so feared by Chinese sailors.”

“The banners say, ‘your mother has a protruding belly button,’” said Rear Admiral Dekkai Oshiri, commander of the Japan Maritime Self-Defense Forces, “This will strike fear into the hearts of intruders more than sailors in drag dancing to AKB-48.”

Japan has recently seen a sharp increase in fishing boats disguised as fishing boats encroaching upon its economic exclusion zone, as well as large numbers of anti-whaling, anti-dolphin-hunting, and anti-anything-that-distracts-from-a-weak-economy-in-America boats.

When asked for comment, Perky Oppai, spokesperson for Japanese Prime Minister Naoto “Genghis” Kan, said in a written statement, “so sorry, the Prime Minister has gone fishing.”

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In other news, 18% of Japanese amoeba say they have no interest in asexual reproduction.

  1. You can’t believe you’re supposed to put used toilet paper in that tiny trash bin in the stall.
  2. You freak out when a nicely dressed young woman snorts mightily and hawks a lugie the size of a baseball into the street, raising clouds of dust.
  3. You’re terrified to cross the street – even with the green light and a crowd of people.
  4. You don’t know about VPN and your Facebook friends think you’ve died in China.
  5. You have “This is China” moments five times a day.
  6. You buy a “jīn” of everything.
  7. You believe the air pollution ratings on the news.
  8. You read the People’s Daily daily.
  9. You buy movies from the iTunes store, not at the local DVD shop.
  10. You think CCTV 9 is just China’s version of CNN.
  11. You’re stuck in chapter 1 of book 1 of Practical Chinese Conversation.
  12. You say “xiè xie” to everyone for everything.
  13. You buy Tylenol™ Cold, not the local equivalent at half the price.
  14. You feel relieved when you see another foreign face.
  15. You challenge the logic of “èr” vs. “liǎng” in counting things.
  16. You pay for software.
  17. You need tissues to blow your nose.
  18. You let old ladies cut in front of you in a queue.
  19. You think you’re dying when you cough up black stuff in the morning.
  20. You attend “networking” events hoping to make useful connections.
  21. You wonder what’s in those “sex shops” you see all over the city.
  22. You think people actually sing in KTV lounges.
  23. You are dismayed when the non-smoking section is right next to the smoking section.
  24. You think Chinese women naturally have perfect complexions.
  25. You have yet to identify what that funny smell in the air is.
  26. You can’t believe it takes five people to put their seals on 15 pieces of paper to do any transaction at the bank.
  27. You still think eating Peking Duck is a special treat.
  28. You think the suit you bought at the Silk Market will last a lifetime.
  29. You don’t have a wallet bursting at the seams with point cards.
  30. You email folks back home with newly learned Chinese words in pinyin with tones indicated by numbers – “ni3hao3” – and they think you’ve lost it.
  31. You can write things like “Beijing is a vibrant city, bustling with energy, and new adventures to be found around every corner” without bursting into laughter.
  32. You don’t know who Kaiser Kuo is.
  33. You don’t have at least three “shānzhài” clone products.
  34. You can’t say “Běijīng” with the correct tones.
  35. You can’t say “Sanlitun” like a pirate.
  36. You think people will laugh at your jokes about Beijingers sounding like pirates.
  37. You actually carry your passport and work permit with you at all times.
  38. You “face” all the bills in your wallet.
  39. You’re not sure why the bank runs 100 RMB notes through the bill validator before they give you the money.
  40. You know Jenny Lou’s is expensive but you shop there because they sort of speak English.
  41. You think you might find true love on a Saturday night in Sanlitun.
  42. You can’t say your cellphone number in Chinese.
  43. You have your bags scanned at subway security.
  44. You desperately need your hair styled but you’ve heard one too many horror stories about hair salons where staff doesn’t speak English. (females)
  45. Your hair is always cut a bit too short because you’ve discovered those stories about barber shops are true. (males)
  46. Your Chinese name doesn’t mean “hairy monkey with hemorrhoids.”
  47. You believe it when Chinese people compliment you on your Chinese.
  48. You think “gee, that’s cheaper than back home” means it’s actually cheap.
  49. You lack the courage to try whatever it is locals are eating for breakfast near the subway station.
  50. You think pinyin was designed specifically to drive foreigners crazy.
  51. You haven’t found a favorite “jiǎozi” place yet.
  52. You have only one mobile phone number.
  53. You desperately hope someone will compliment your skill with chopsticks.
  54. You’ve bought 1000-year-old eggs, hard-boiled salty eggs, and then finally fresh eggs.
  55. You’re shocked to discover that brand names like “Starbucks” in Chinese sound nothing like they do in English.
  56. You don’t know you’re supposed to have the vegetables weighed and price-tagged before you pay at the register.
  57. You believe you’ll finish reading The Analects of Confucius.
  58. You are fascinated by the old guy on a bike slowly pedaling his bird somewhere.
  59. You self-censor your emails … just in case.
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IG News (Beijing) – China tested its first stealth flatus today at a secret testing facility in Beijing.

“China’s stealth flatus is rumored be silent but deadly,” noted Onara Kusai, director at the Japan Institute for Gaseous Research, “This development will surely raise a big stink not only with the Americans, but across Asia.”

“These developments have potential to put some of our capabilities at risk,” cautioned U.S. Secretary of Defense Roberto “Open the Flood” Gates, “We have to pay attention to them, we have to respond appropriately with our own programs.”

“Why, Chinese mothers are superior,” said author Amy Chuabaka, “Their children are not only fartistes but also can also play the violin beautifully.”

“Beans, beans, they’re good for your heart,” commented TV celebrity Bart Simpson, “the more you eat, the more you Bart.”

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Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Now there’s an old brand and a classically light-bodied, fizzy-sweet American-style beer.
I just had to buy a can of this “World War Two Edition in Memory of US Army” – especially with the black-and-white G.I. Joe graphic.
And, most spectacularly, the “Yes We Can” tag.
What were the marketers thinking? (or drinking?)
Do Chinese consumers really respond to WWII nostalgia?
Or does the nuance of “in memory of US Army” have a more sinister agenda?
What’s next in China marketing?
The adventure continues …
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IG News: In other news, Chinese officials announced today J-20 stealth aircraft will be piloted by superior Chinese mothers.