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TAIJI, Japan (IG News) — Dolphins are secretly preparing hundreds of torpedoes camouflaged as dolphins to thwart both Hollywood filmmakers and Japanese fishermen as the annual dolphin hunt, wet t-shirt contest, and beach barbecue gets underway in “The Cove” in Taiji, Japan.

“Oscars? We don’t need no stinkin’ Oscars!” cackled Furripa Iruka, head of the All-Japan Dolphin LIberation League, “Hollywood killed Flipper in the first place!”

“Dolphins are endangered, filled with mercury, and have bigger winkies than the average Tea Party member’s member!” said Dick “Dick” Dickens, head of the Obama Ain’t President Because He’s a Muslim Witch Society.

“The consumption tax on dolphins must be increased now,” intoned Japanese prime minister Naoto ‘Kick the’ Kan, “Japan needs more money to defend the Maritime Self-Defense Forces from renegade fishing boats, as well as crashing into each other.”

“Can’t we all just get along?,” implored Kim Jong-il, Dear Leader of North Korea, “if not, you will be engulfed in a sea of flames when young Kim Jong-un lights my hair on fire!”

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In other news, the Nobel Peace Prize has been awarded to Wile E. Coyote for his unceasing efforts to bring a peaceful end to the long-standing territorial dispute with rebel scum the Road Runner.

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