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Monthly Archives: July 2010
SHIBA, Japan (IG News) — The Democratic Party of Japan announced a new subsidy for puppies following a stunning repudiation by Japanese voters yesterday.
“Everybody loves puppies and everybody loves subsidies,” said prime minister Naoto “Can-Can” Kan, “just don’t tell people it’s their tax money to begin with and they’ll fall for it.”
“Kawaii! I love puppies! Free money?! I love free money!” cackled Henna Obasan, who previously supported the Liberal Democrat Old Farts, “DPJ’s got my vote! Bwah-hah-ha!”
DPJ candidate Shiro the White Softbank Dog failed in his bid for election, losing to internet celebrity Pedo-Bear.
In conceding defeat, Shiro the White Softbank Dog scoffed at allegations of infidelity and interspecies sex, commenting, “Hey, all men are dogs.”
# # #
In other news, star of The Cove says video shows cruelty to Octopus Paul.
2. I tweet before I eat
3. I get the news before it’s on the news
4. I’ve mastered Japanese emoticons \(*v*)/
5. Twitter is my new procrastination
6. My attention span is 0.5 seconds
7. I found my voice – still boring but I found it
8. I have a cool short URL: bite.me
9. I have lots of anti-social friends
10. I can say shit in 140 characters or less
# # #
In other news, NHK cancels live sumo broadcast, shows dead sumo instead.
Tokyo (IG News) — Japan was stunned today when prime minister Naoto “Yes We” Kan confessed that he has been a “sleeper” for much of his political career.
“Let me be clear: I am sleeper,” said Kan, “and I like to nap, snooze, and hibernate too. My Cabinet are all a bunch of sleepers.”
“You lie!,” shouted Liberal Democratic Party chief Sazukazu “Little Dick” Tanigaki, “the LDP was the first to sleep and has been sleeping for the past 60 years! We are the true sleepers of Japan.”
Noted observer of things Japanese @locohama commented, “Dude, there are sleepers everywhere in Japan. On the trains, in meetings, in the futon. Just one of those things.”
Asked for the comment, the Japanese economy said, “Huh? What? I’ve been sleeping for the past 15 years … zzzzz ….”
# # #
In other news, millions of Americans buy tickets to Iran hoping to get stoned to death.
IG News (Tokyo) — Girl group sensation AKB-48’s latest single to hit the top of charts is “Slurp My Noodles, Daddy!”
“Churu-churu!, churu-churu!,” rapped lead singer Atama Karrapo, “slurp my noodles, daddy, drink my broth! Churu-churu!, churu-churu!”
“Oh, I spilled some tsuyu on my tummy!” squeaked Rita Roh, the girl who can’t sing or dance but the producer likes her, “I’ve been a bad, bad girl. You know what happens to bad girls? Hee-hee!”
Rumors are flying on Twitter that Lady Gaga declined to appear with AKB-48 during a recent tour in Japan because she “didn’t want to be upstaged.”
Asked for comment, record label A Vex’d spokesperson Perky Oppai said, “No, no, those aren’t anal beads.”
# # #
In other news, Russian sleeper spies forget to wake up.
BISHOUNEN, Japan (IG News) — “Kyaaah!” “Sugoooi!” “Umasou!” High-pitched screams of delight filled the air yesterday as the seasonal ban on hunting down little boys in the ocean was lifted across Japan.
Little boys are released into the water, where young women hunt them down relentlessly in an ancient tradition dating back to last summer.
A handful of these little boys are captured alive and sold into slavery in the Japanese entertainment industry.
The rest are herded into a hidden cove, then forced to watch Glee until their heads explode.
Activists claim that little boys contain dangerously high levels of frogs and snails and puppy dog tails, and thus should not be used in really cheap bento sold on the streets of Tokyo.
# # #
In other news, Asian-American dolphins protest use of Japanese dolphins in “The Cove.”
Tokyo (IG News) — Japan’s prime minister Naoto “Yes We” Kan promised today to “tax the ass off the Japanese people.”
“The Japanese people’s asses are getting too big, like Beyoncé big,” said the slim-hipped, flat-assed Kan, “increasing taxes means they’ll lose weight by working even harder for less returns.”
Asked about the morality of increasing taxes when the average politician’s income is five times that of the average Japanese household, Kan replied, “Qu’ils mangent de la brioche.”
# # #
In other news, Mino Monta’s mom apologized to the Japanese people “for my son being such a dick.”