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Monthly Archives: June 2010

IG News (Tokyo) — Millions of Japanese fans were delighted to discover today that owning a new iPhone 4 makes their dicks bigger.

Sugoi! My dick is three times bigger than before!,” said self-professed fanboy Moe Kyun, “it’s at least 96 points and much more legible now!”

Apple Japan spokesperson Perky Oppai said, “if you’ve bought an iPhone 4 and your dick isn’t getting bigger, you’re not holding it right.”

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“Wrong you are holding it” – Yoda, teaching Luke Skywalker the Jedi iPhone 4 antenna trick. (hat tip to @tyler928)

TOKYO (IG News) — Japan will unleash its long-rumored secret weapon in this Saturday’s World Cup match against the Netherlands, according to sources who provided IG News with the exclusive photo shown above.

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In other news, Korea is tied 1-1 with Korea after Korea scored an own goal in its match against itself.

TOKYO (IG News) — Japan will unleash its long-rumored secret weapon in this Saturday’s World Cup match against the Netherlands, according to sources who provided IG News with the exclusive photo shown above.

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In other news, Korea is tied 1-1 with Korea after Korea scored an own goal in its match against itself.

(Photo Caption: A shrine maiden prepares to “kancho” the Ketsugawa River in a traditional summer festival near Kyoto, Japan.)

One of my favorite bloggers in Japan, @locohama, is hosting this month’s Japan Blog Matsuri with the theme of “Natsu no Tanoshimi” (fun things to do during summer).

So here’s InvisibleGaijin’s “Ten Ways to Enjoy a Hot Summer in Japan.”

  1. Understand that “natsu” is Japanese for summer, not “nuts” thus “natsu wa dou suru?” means “what are you doing this summer?” not “what are you going to do with the nuts?” — unless you’re in a Soapland and it’s a girl asking a guy, in which case the proper interpretation is “what would you like me to do with your nuts?”
  2. Accept that many Japanese people assume only Gaijin sweat smells bad, even though 98% of the people in Japan, thus the trains, are Japanese. Somebody is funking up the place and it ain’t only Gaijin but “shikataganai ne.”
  3. Visit Shonan Beach on a Saturday – it’s like Shinjuku Station during rush hour only better because everyone is in swimwear.
  4. Drink beer constantly while lecturing Japanese people on “the health benefits of staying hydrated in high-humidity climes.” Actually, you’ll probably make many new Japanese friends using this approach.
  5. Make your friends back home jealous by boasting about the “absolutely amazing” edamame in Japan. Better yet, take photos and blog about it.
  6. Freak out your Japanese friends by wearing only a fundoshi in public (especially if you’re a girl).
  7. Impress your Japanese colleagues by using colloquial Japanese expressions like “kyouwa kuso atsui naaaah! bi-ru nomitei” (lit. “it’s hotter than shit today, I wanna drink a beer”)
  8. Eat a grilled unagi eel during the latter half of July or more specifically on the “cow day of summer” (doyo no ushi no hi). Despite the cognitive dissonance triggered by the concept of eating eel on cow day, this tradition is believed to combat “natsubate” or “summer exhaustion” so your Japanese pals will be pleased if you say, “I feel much more genki now, thank you very much.” Then drink a beer.
  9. Take 10 million of your best friends and attend one of the great hanabi fireworks shows around the country. The spectacle of Japanese fireworks technology will blow your mind, especially if you do like the Japanese and drink way too much beer and then watch the show while waiting 45 minutes for your turn at the toilet. Gaman, dude, gaman.
  10. Give a cold beer to that flag-waving Ojisan at the construction site. Good karma goes a long way during the hot and humid summers days in ol’ Nippon.

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In other news, Gaijin Male Maids invade Tokyo.