Skip navigation

Monthly Archives: May 2010

YOMAMA, Biyachi Preference (IG News) — A local man in samurai costume begins his backwards-horsetop-descent down a steep hill during the Gyaku-Uma-Sagari festival in Yomama, Biyachi Prefecture on May 6, 2010.

「おおおう!しっと!」 cried Hontowa Gei invoking a centuries-old ritual before tumbling down the hill repeatedly in front of friends, family, and people with being-crushed-by-horses fetishes.

About 100,000 people attended the traditional event, which is designated as a intangible cultural asset despite the absence of phallic objects or any connection with Tiger Woods.

“I’m getting too old for this shit,” sighed Naisu Ojisandayo, celebrating his 70th year as the event’s official nice-old-guy-in-white-cap, “young guys always piss their fundoshi and expect me to clean up. I get no respect!”

Event officials denied any cruelty to the horses, “Au Contraire, Mon Frère! The horses get a big kick out of crushing young guys to death. It’s an unique equine cultural practice that we don’t presume to judge.”

# # #

In other news, Martians say no to relocation of Futenma air station.

TOKYO (IG News) — Police arrested 77 chikan train gropers during a one week campaign in greater Tokyo in mid-April and 29 of the 77 were found to be repeat offenders.

“What a bunch of dicks,” said Tokyo Metropolitan Police spokesperson Chikan Shineh, “Who would be stupid enough to molest women on trains during a highly publicized police campaign?”

Fans of the Saikyo and JR Chuo lines were thrilled their favorite chikan-densha were once again tied for the top place in number of arrestees at six pathetic-losers-who-should-be-shot each.

Ureshiidayo! I’m so happy! I ride the Saikyo every day, if you get my drift?” said Chinko “Willy” Atama as he winked-winked and nudge-nudged feverishly, “The Saikyo is like a conveyor belt sushi place for perverts and creeps.”

In a surprise move, the Mayor of Taiji City, Iruka Kuwanei, confirmed rumors that the city’s dolphin fishermen would now use eco-friendly fishhooks baited with live chikan train gropers.

“Dolphins love chikan, they go wild!” said Kuwanei, “we love it when dolphin cackle, ‘who’s your daddy now?’ before they bite!”

# # #

In other news, Google launches new search UI, resulting in billions of searches for “What is UI?”