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Monthly Archives: April 2010

TOKYO (IG News) — Japanese men are increasingly looking to inanimate objects for intimacy according to noted anthropologist Kintama Chongitta of the University of Tokyo’s department of arcane and useless knowledge.

“Japanese women wear the economic, social, and sexual fundoshi in the house now,” said Chongitta, “and fear of these so-called ‘carnivore women’ is causing young men to marry bamboo shoots, 2-D pillows, and videogame characters so they don’t get their balls chopped off.”

“Nothing comes between me and my takenoko,” gushed farmer Chikurin Chikusho, “we even sauté our ginko nuts together.”

“Love is where you find it,” smiled young and tender bamboo shoot Dekaboko Takenoko, “and I like the way his beard tickles my culms.”

“What’s good for Japanese bamboo is good for Japan,” said minister of agriculture Sugu Amakudari, “it’s the purity of the Japanese gene pool that makes Japanese bamboo uniquely Japanese.”

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In other news, the Shanghai World Expo was exposed today as a cheap Chinese copy of the real thing.

TOKYO (IG News) — Former manga and anime star Atomu “Tom” Tetsuwan was arrested today on suspicion of impersonating a Catholic priest at the entrance ceremony of the Gakushuin Primary School.

“I’m innocent,” said the robot, more popularly known in Hollywood as Astro Boy, “Why can’t you share your bed? The most loving thing to do is to share your bed with someone.”

In a surprise appearance at the arraignment, Pope “Eggs” Benedict encouraged Astro Boy to have “the courage of not allowing oneself to be intimidated by the petty gossip of dominant opinion” and then patted him on his cute little metallic ass.

Officials of the Gakushuin Primary School denied allegations that Astro Boy was involved in the alleged “rough behavior” that frightened Princess “Love Child” of the Imperial Family.

Issei “No Don!” Bakamura, Grandmaster Flash of Crown Prince Naruhodo’s household, said the 8-year-old princess suffered from anxiety and stomach problems after seeing that Astro Boy was not designed in an anatomically correct manner.

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In other news, @politicomix’s “Kobe Chicken” shirt is this season’s hottest fashion item in Tokyo – buy yours at http://bit.ly/aPXiL0

TOKYO (IG News) — A new party to be formed Saturday by veteran politicians defecting from the Liberal Democratic Party and an independent lawmaker will be named Koheto Nippon, which literally means “Old Fart Party of Japan” in English.

The new party’s initial goal is to “make sure the ruling coalition parties do not attain a majority [of farts] in the House of Councillors election” this summer so that the opposition parties can control the flatulence of the upper house, resulting in a situation in which one side controls the lower chamber of the Diet and the other side the upper chamber of the nation’s political rectum.

Response by Japanese voters to yet another political party was swift on Twitter.

“Old farts cut the cheese in the first place! We need new farts なう! Yes, we can!” tweeted Arafo Konkatsu, letting loose with a silent but deadly onara, incapacitating thousands of evening commuters on the Chiyoda subway.

Tokyo governor Shintaro “Twitchy” Ishihara, who named the new Tachiagare Nippon Party, denied rumors that he named the Koheto Nippon Party, as well as the Dodemo Ii Party or “Who gives a shit?” party.

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In other news, millions of Japanese are rushing to buy the limited edition Koheto Nippon t-shirt here.

TOKYO (IG News) — A new party to be formed Saturday by veteran politicians defecting from the Liberal Democratic Party and an independent lawmaker will be named Koheto Nippon, which literally means “Old Fart Party of Japan” in English.

The new party’s initial goal is to “make sure the ruling coalition parties do not attain a majority [of farts] in the House of Councillors election” this summer so that the opposition parties can control the flatulence of the upper house, resulting in a situation in which one side controls the lower chamber of the Diet and the other side the upper chamber of the nation’s political rectum.

Response by Japanese voters to yet another political party was swift on Twitter.

“Old farts cut the cheese in the first place! We need new farts なう! Yes, we can!” tweeted Arafo Konkatsu, letting loose with a silent but deadly onara, incapacitating thousands of evening commuters on the Chiyoda subway.

Tokyo governor Shintaro “Twitchy” Ishihara, who named the new Tachiagare Nippon Party, denied rumors that he named the Koheto Nippon Party, as well as the Dodemo Ii Party or “Who gives a shit?” party.

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In other news, millions of Japanese are rushing to buy the limited edition Koheto Nippon t-shirt here.

TOKYO (IG News) — Five former members of the Liberal Democratic Old Farts Party have launched a new political party in Japan called 「たちあがれ日本」or the “Get It Up, Japan!” Party.

“It’s time for Japan to get it up again,” said Takeo “Droopy” Hiranuma turgidly, “it’s been too long since we’ve had a tumescent Japan.”

“Japan must stand erect,” stated former Finance Minister Kaoru “Yes, it’s my real hair!” Yosano swellingly, “the rigidity of the Japanese spirit amongst our members shall rise once again.”

“Let me be clear, it will be a long and hard ride,” intoned Prime Minister Yukio “Bird” Hatoyama tumidly, “this is not the time to distend and engorge ourselves with orotund language.”

“No more excuses,” panted Perky Oppai, chairperson of the Obasan Just Want to Have Fun Party, “Japan, just get it up already!”

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In other news, (^o^)/(⌒0⌒)/~~


TOKYO (IG News) — A new catchphrase, “Japan. Endless Discovery.”, designed to woo more foreign tourists to Japan was unveiled by Minister of Tourism Seiji “Yokoso!” Maehara.

“We want to let people know how good tourism in Japan is,” said Maehara, “and that’s why we are also introducing this list of “Top Ten Tourist Discoveries in Japan.”

  1. Geisha look like your grandmother, not Zhang Ziyi.
  2. Public restrooms can be spotless or filthy but either way there’s no hand soap.
  3. Real Otaku are kind of creepy.
  4. O-genki desu ka” is not a commonly used greeting, except among tourists.
  5. Akihabara maids are the new Ginza hostesses, highly skilled in the art of separating men from their money.
  6. “Lost in Translation” actually means “functionally illiterate.”
  7. Demonstrating one’s martial arts skills is a good way to get your ass kicked.
  8. You lack the core strength needed to use Japanese squat toilets.
  9. “Live” is not necessarily better than “raw” fish.
  10. All the Japanese gifts you can afford to buy are made in China.

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In other news, tourists have been banned from the Tsukiji Fish Market again for “touching the tuna,” which is not be confused with “slapping the monkey.”

Vatican City (IG News) — Pope “Eggs” Benedict XVI announced today the Church’s solution to child abuse by Catholic priests.

Caedite eos. Novit enim Dominus qui sunt eius,” said the Pope, “Kill them all and let God sort them out.”

“Die Endlösung ist hier,” declared the Pope, ordering the deployment of the Vatican’s elite special forces team, shown in photo above.

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In other news, April Fool’s Day has been postponed to April 2nd.