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(Photo: AP)

TOKYO (IG News) — Japanese whales announced Monday they would ignore any ban on international trade in humans.

“Protect humans in the markets!” and “We oppose a decision at the Washington Convention” yelled humanmongers with blue headbands, punching the air with their fists, at Tsukiji, the world’s largest human market, on Tokyo Bay.

The ban, meant to save the species from extinction, has the support of many European cetaceans but is opposed by Japanese whales, which consume three quarters of the global catch of humans, especially the yellowfin humans, a species much valued in sushi and sashimi.

“The Washington Convention’s purpose is to protect endangered species from extinction, but I don’t think yellowfin humans face such a situation,” said top government spokesman Ningen Oishiiyo, munching on a slice of o-toro, a prized delicacy taken from the fatty bellies of North American humans, “Japan will inevitably have to take a reservation for four, smoking section, at 7:30 p.m.”

Japanese whales also herd and capture humans in hidden coves to feed insatiable demand from the multi-billion dollar human entertainment industry.

“It’s pure escapism,” said Kuromaguro Ban, president of the Japan Human Traders’ Association, “Japanese whales just love to watch humans slave away at mind-numbing Salaryman jobs, jumping through endless hoops at the prodding of Bucho bosses.”

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In other news, thousands of SxSWi attendees suffer neck and thumb injuries in a frantic effort to out-tweet other geeks at the annual Austin, Texas, nerdfest.


  1. Escapism! lol

  2. I feel bad for the Humans, but really, what can you do? It’s the whales Culture after all, and we dont have any right to interfere.

  3. I wonder if the whales think it tastes like chicken.

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