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Monthly Archives: March 2010

TORINO (IG News) — Japan’s Asada Mao defeated Kim Yu-na of Korea today at the World Ferocious Face & Figure Skating Championships.

“Growl!” snapped Asada, who is not related to Mexico’s Carne Asada, “I’m so happy that I nailed the triple-brow-furrow and double-sneer combination!”

“Yarrrgh!” snarled Kim, who is not related to Korea’s Kim Chee, “I can neither confirm nor deny rumors that I will retire and become a pirate.”

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In other news, the Vatican announced the Catholic Church will stop using a pedometer as part of the interview process for prospective priests.

(Photo: AP)

TOKYO (IG News) — Japanese whales announced Monday they would ignore any ban on international trade in humans.

“Protect humans in the markets!” and “We oppose a decision at the Washington Convention” yelled humanmongers with blue headbands, punching the air with their fists, at Tsukiji, the world’s largest human market, on Tokyo Bay.

The ban, meant to save the species from extinction, has the support of many European cetaceans but is opposed by Japanese whales, which consume three quarters of the global catch of humans, especially the yellowfin humans, a species much valued in sushi and sashimi.

“The Washington Convention’s purpose is to protect endangered species from extinction, but I don’t think yellowfin humans face such a situation,” said top government spokesman Ningen Oishiiyo, munching on a slice of o-toro, a prized delicacy taken from the fatty bellies of North American humans, “Japan will inevitably have to take a reservation for four, smoking section, at 7:30 p.m.”

Japanese whales also herd and capture humans in hidden coves to feed insatiable demand from the multi-billion dollar human entertainment industry.

“It’s pure escapism,” said Kuromaguro Ban, president of the Japan Human Traders’ Association, “Japanese whales just love to watch humans slave away at mind-numbing Salaryman jobs, jumping through endless hoops at the prodding of Bucho bosses.”

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In other news, thousands of SxSWi attendees suffer neck and thumb injuries in a frantic effort to out-tweet other geeks at the annual Austin, Texas, nerdfest.

(Photo: IG News)

(Photo: IG News)

TOKYO (IG News) — A 25-year-old former civil servant was crowned this year’s Miss Underarm Japan on Tuesday.

“I can’t believe it,” said Maido Itaizo after winning the 2010 Miss Underarm Japan pageant held in Tokyo on Tuesdsay, as tears came to her eyes. “I want to represent all of the Japanese people’s underarms at the international competition.”

Itaizo, who lives in Kusaizo City in Waki Prefecture, spoke English and Klingon during her speech at Tuesday’s contest, “Heghpu’ jib ghajbe’ qabqu’boghfhach!” said Itaizo with a winning smile before chopping off Miss Congeniality’s head with a bat’leth.

Itaizo, who was selected from among some 4,000 applicants, will compete at the Miss Underarm pageant in July after four month of intense training, including a diet of natto, blue cheese, and raw garlic to ensure pungency.

Japan has been performing well at the annual international competition for the past few years despite objections from feminists who decry the objectification of female armpits.

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In other news, the Sea Shepard turns around again, heads to Tokyo to save Sumo rikishi.

(Photo: Happy Obasan picking coca leaves in Shizuoka Prefecture.)

TOKYO, Japan (IG News) — Prime Minister Yukio “Bird” Hatoyama announced today that Japan would legalize cocaine as part of a new economic revitalization and jobs creation program.

“Not only will this bold measure create jobs for Obasan in the countryside,” sniffed Hatoyama, “but it will also make the Japanese people feel better about the lack of true prospects for economic growth.”

“Sugoi! I feel like I could pick coca leaves all day!,” buzzed Henna Obasan, “And watch out when my Ojisan mixes viagra and coke with a shot of shochu! It’s like being 17 again! Bwah-ha-ha!”

“Outrageous! Cocaine is a gateway to Coca-Cola,” snorted Liberal Democratic Party chief Sadakazu “Little Dick” Tanigaki, “next thing you know no-talent talento will be injecting Fanta.”

Coca-Cola Japan announced a new drink product called “Diet Coke Coke” containing a 2% solution of cocaine and no sugar.

“Yes, Coke, Yes!” warbled spokesperson Perky Oppai, “Coke is it!”

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In other news, Mitsuya Cider launches “Cider Shock with Crystal Meth” featuring spokesperson and rehabilitated drug residue user Noriko “Da Nori-P” Sakai.