Hokkaido, JAPAN — Sapporo Transit Authority has launched a subway poster campaign to combat a deluge of ill-mannered cats.
“In recent years we’ve received an increasing number of complaints,” explained STA spokesperson Bakana Komuin, “so we’ve hired a not-so-famous-but-willing-to-work-cheap cartoonist to steal ideas from the Tokyo Metro ‘Do it at home’ campaign.”
“We’ve tried ‘My Pussy, My Life’ feline-only cars during rush hour but that failed because they just attracted train gropers and chikan obasan,” said Minister of Land, Infrastructure, Transport and Tourism Sugu Amakudari, “so we decided to waste taxpayer money with cute posters.”
“Cats are so obnoxious and rude,” snarled Henna Obasan, “I’ve even seen them preening themselves on trains! And have you ever smelled cat farts?”
“Cats with permanent residency should be allowed to vote in local elections,” stated Democratic Party of Japan leader Ichiro “Give Me Chocolate” Ozawa, “that ought to drive the Gaijin crazy!”
“Can’t we all just get along?” pleaded Kazuhiro Kokubo, Japan’s Olympic hopeful in the Worst-Dressed Snowboarder event, “It’s not like cats have dreadlocks, nose piercings, and droopy pants.”
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In other news, Toyota CEO Akio Toyoda has accepted a formal request from the U.S. Congress to be publicly humiliated by American politicians hoping to deflect attention away from their own sex scandals.