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Monthly Archives: December 2009

(Photo: Shinto Shrine Maidens preparing to be sacrificed at the annual “Tiger Woods’ Woodie Juice” matsuri festival in Ookii Chinpoko, Kintama Prefecture.)

JAPAN (IG News)–Pocari Sweat, famed for being named after a bodily coolant, launched a new line of sexual energy drinks inspired by Tiger Woods and tag-lined “Is it on you?” in a nod to Japanese facial preferences.

Coca-Cola Japan, purveyor of the finest addictive beverages, counter-attacked  December 7th, a day that shall live in infamy, with Coke(tm) Lobotomy Lube(R) in a Facebook-cloned social media campaign called “Remember Red Pearl Necklaces!”

“I scream, you scream, we all es cream for Tiger Woods’ Woodie Juice,” gushed Shrine Maidens Perky Oppai and Shirigaru Onna, who then whined gutturally in their best moe voices, “Onii-chan (older brother) please touch me nau \{>v<};/<< orz<3 >> EOT.”

Dancing ST-HO @TandyChews BIMHO commented “Once Otaku, Never Bakufu” channeling Chushingura, the epic tale of futile revenge in a blaze of glory ending in ritual group suicide in Nippon.

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In other news, Sexy Girls in the Crowd Go Wild.


TOKYO — The Japanese people are busy preparing for celebrate 2010 as the “Year of Tiger Woods” including traditional fertility festivals featuring o-mikoshi mobile penis shrine parades.

“The new year, 2010, will be the year of the Tiger in the traditional lunar calendar,” explained Shinto priest Ookii Chinpoko, “and the Tiger is the symbol of power, virility, and compulsive shagging.”

Kawaii! I bet that shaft is stiff yet controllable,” cackled Ecchina Obasan, “and the over-sized head will surely hit my sweet spot but good.”

PR spokesperson for corporate sponsor Sagami Rubber Co., Ltd. Perky Oppai panted, “Tiger Woods is the prefect pitchman for our new line of ‘Huge’ condoms.”

Sports drink maker Pocari Sweat announced a new line of sexual energy drinks called, “Tiger Woods’ Woodie Juice” with the slogan, “Is it on you?” in a nod to Japanese cultural preferences.

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In other news, Japanese prime minster Yukio Hatoyama announced his decision to take an “indefinite” leave from making any decisions on anything.

Posted via email from invisiblegaijin

Photo Credit: Daniel Bachler Creative Commons Attribution ShareAlike 2.5
Women in Japan: You Haven’t Come a Long Way, Baby
According to survey results released by the Cabinet Office today, Japanese women comprise:
67.1% of Pharmacists
33.2% of Deliberation Councils
16.0% of Judges
13.0% of Researchers
11.3% of National Elected Officials
8.2% of Regional Elected Officials
5.7% of Regional Senior Bureaucrats
1.3% of Mayors
Given the bullshit that goes along with executive-ness in Japan, perhaps Japanese women are simply displaying infinite wisdom in avoiding positions of “power.”
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In other news, Wendy’s to exit Japan’s hamburger market as licensee Zensho focuses on its Sukiya beef bowl business, commenting, “if you’re going to kill Japanese people, might as well be with Japanese fast food.”

Posted via email from invisiblegaijin

2009’s kanji 新 (shin) or “new” + Hatoyama’s 絆 (kizuna) or “relationship” =「新絆」or “new relationships” as in Tiger Woods.

2009’s kanji 新 (shin) or “new” + Hatoyama’s 絆 (kizuna) or “relationship” =「新絆」or “new relationships” as in Tiger Woods.

Posted via email from invisiblegaijin

TOKYO — Japan’s prime minister Yukio “The Bird” Hatoyama, said Wednesday that he wants to present concrete proposals to President Barack Obama next week in hopes of ending a growing rift between his new government and Washington over an American military air base in Okinawa.
Mr. Hatoyama did not disclose the content of the proposals except to say, “Cement, sand, and gravel. Mix well. Pour.”
Foreign MInister “Kit” Katsuya Okada denied allegations the concrete proposals would also include crushed limestone, retorting, “Ridiculous! Everyone knows Japanese gravel gives superior tensile strength to concrete.”
Defense Minister Toshimi “And that’s not Sashimi” Kitazawa currently touring Guam’s strip joints, shooting galleries, and duty-free stores, stated, “Boy, Guamanian concrete sure is niiice!”
Okinawan Governor Hirokazu “Okazu-ya” Nakaima stated, “We have suffered enough. The Ryukyuan people want both Japanese and U.S. concrete out now. Ryukyu Libre!”
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In other news, Tiger Woods announced his own economic stimulus program and began pumping millions of dollars in hush money into the economy.

Posted via email from invisiblegaijin

WINDERMERE, Fla. — Orange County firefighters responded to a medical call at the residence of Tiger Woods on Tuesday morning.
The call was received at 2:36 a.m.
Aerial photography shows what appears to be a gigantic white arrow stuck in Tiger Woods’ $2.6 million house.
Orange County Fire officials were unable to disclose further information about the incident except to say, “Dang, that’s a big arrow.”
Last week, Woods issued a statement saying he had let his family down with unspecified “transgressions with Japanese animated characters” that he regrets with “all of my heart.” He did not elaborate.
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In other news, @invisiblegaijin has entered the Noriko Sakai Center for the Treatment of Self-Retweeting Addiction.

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USO Magazine, popularly known in Japan as “Uso-Jin,” today released putative photos of Tiger Woods’ alleged mistresses #13~#17, quoting a purported transcript of a rumored voicemail from Tiger Woods to #13, “Yes, you’re all my bitches but I loves you best. Huge.”

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In other news, Japanese golf sensation, Ryo Ishikawa, expressed his dream to one day win all the majors, earn gazillion dollars from commercial endorsements, get married to a beautiful white woman, and then have affairs with massage girls from the streets of Roppongi, skanky kyaba-kura hostesses, and soapland assisted-bathing workers.

Posted via email from invisiblegaijin

Fune Isono, mother of famed Japanese TV star Sazae-san, admitted Sunday that she was the rumored fifth mistress of golfer Tiger Woods.
“I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves,” said the mother of three children, “but Tiger is, well, a tiger in the futon. Woof-woof!”
“I have no comment,” said husband Namihei Isono, “but the reason you haven’t heard about Paris Hilton lately is ‘cuz I got ‘cher matsutake right here baby! Woo-hoo!” channeling Michael Jackson’s crotch-grabbing move.
Ponyo, the little fish girl who admitted Saturday she had an affair with Tiger Woods, cried “My friends said inter-species love wouldn’t work out and they were right. I’m now doing Nemo.”
“I’d do Tiger and twist his fundoshi into knots,” said the world’s oldest woman, 114-year-old Kama Chinen of Okinawa, Japan, “and I assert Hatoyama must review the Japan-US Security Treaty in light of post-Cold War reality.”
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In other news, hybrids grew to 9.7% of new automobile sales in November, while mutants increased to 23.7%.

Posted via email from invisiblegaijin

InvisibleGaijin.com has learned the United States deployed a top secret weapons platform in Afghanistan, the long-rumored “SANTA” system.

Capable of omniscient surveillance, instantaneous global deployment, and unlimited payload capacity, SANTA is allegedly powered by a red-nosed reindeer code-named RUDOLF.

“SANTA is the holy grail of non-lethal anti-terror weapons,” explained self-proclaimed “pro surfer” and defense analyst, Zenbu Usoda, “once deployed, it causes insatiable demand for Zhu Zhu Pets, spreading panic and overwhelming the communications and distribution infrastructure of the enemy.”

“We can neither confirm nor deny the existence of the SANTA weapon,” stated Pentagon spokesperson, Colonel Blowin “Smoke” Outtamyass, “The question that America’s enemies must answer is ‘have you been bad or good?’”

Japanese Prime Minister Yukio “The Bird” Hatoyama denied rumors of secret agreements that allow US Forces to base the SANTA weapon at Kadena Air Force Base in Okinawa commenting, “I can’t even make up my mind about Futenma Air Station! Mommy!”

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In other news, Japanese government survey shows that 63% of Japanese in their 20s believe “Children aren’t necessary.” 99.7% of their Parents: “We agree.”

Posted via email from invisiblegaijin