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Japan’s National Police Agency announced a crackdown on so-called “medical” stone spas citing violation of the Stone Control Act.

“Possession and use of stones for anything but licensed and regulated stone gardens is illegal,” NPA spokesman Omaru Omawari droned, “While it’s technically legal to possess pebbles as a hobby, the moment you put them in the ground, that is cultivation.”

“There are no known medical uses for stones,” said Dr. Aff Quack, chief of oriental medicine at Tokyo Medical University, “except for arranging them in absurdist patterns in zen gardens.”

Honnie’s Himusho, leading no-talent talento agency, pledged it would screen all of its entertainers for use of illegal stones and stone residue.

“If I catch any of our boy groups with stones, I will make them strip and spank each other,” said aging founder Honnie, “or was that what we do for auditions?”

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In other news, the little girl who sang the “Ponyo, Ponyo, Ponyo” song announced her engagement to the little boy best known as Kodomo Tencho amid swirling rumors of yet another “dekichatta kekkon.”

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