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Monthly Archives: November 2009

Posted via email from invisiblegaijin

Kodomo Tencho, the star of Toyota’s TV commercials, stunned the Japanese geinoukai entertainment world by admitting he was gay.
Honnie’s Himusho, the leading no-talent talento agency in Japan, issued a statement, “Honnie is shocked, shocked to find that gayness is going on in here.”
“We deny any knowledge of Kodomo Tencho’s gayness,” stated Toyota PR spokeswoman, Perky Oppai, “We just thought he liked wearing brightly colored red jackets and black shorts.”
“Toyota also denies any connection with his gayness and the recall of more than 4 million cars,” continued Oppai, “That was caused by demonically possessed floor mats.”
“I’m gay,” said Kodomo Tencho with a beatific smile, “I’m light-hearted and carefree!”
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In other news, Glenn Beck announced he’s challenging Japan’s Emperor Akihito to a Sumo death match, bellowing, “I may throw salt but I will never bow.”

Posted via email from invisiblegaijin

Posted via email from invisiblegaijin

  1. Hello Kitty Lip Gloss
  2. Chibi Maruko Jumbo Corn Nuts
  3. Anpanman Meat Pies
  4. Sazae-san Sazae-no-Tsuboyaki
  5. Starbucks Bitch-Slappaccino
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Posted via email from invisiblegaijin

Fashionable young men in Tokyo are bleaching their hair to match their fur collars this season.

“Man-Skirts? That’s so last month,” scoffed Boi Parasaito, “real men wear their hair to match the fur collar on their jackets. Unless they’re @tamegoeswild, in which case they wear Man-Tights.”

When asked for comment about Man-Tights, @tamegoeswild twittered, “They make you look like this http://bit.ly/8Mi0ht , which is unfortunate, but they’re worth it because they make you all warm and secure.”

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In other news, @invisiblegaijin had to cut this post short because @doramimy tweeted she was hungry. Such a modern couple.

Posted via email from invisiblegaijin

Japan’s National Police Agency announced a crackdown on so-called “medical” stone spas citing violation of the Stone Control Act.

“Possession and use of stones for anything but licensed and regulated stone gardens is illegal,” NPA spokesman Omaru Omawari droned, “While it’s technically legal to possess pebbles as a hobby, the moment you put them in the ground, that is cultivation.”

“There are no known medical uses for stones,” said Dr. Aff Quack, chief of oriental medicine at Tokyo Medical University, “except for arranging them in absurdist patterns in zen gardens.”

Honnie’s Himusho, leading no-talent talento agency, pledged it would screen all of its entertainers for use of illegal stones and stone residue.

“If I catch any of our boy groups with stones, I will make them strip and spank each other,” said aging founder Honnie, “or was that what we do for auditions?”

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In other news, the little girl who sang the “Ponyo, Ponyo, Ponyo” song announced her engagement to the little boy best known as Kodomo Tencho amid swirling rumors of yet another “dekichatta kekkon.”

Japan’s National Police Agency announced a crackdown on so-called “medical” stone spas citing violation of the Stone Control Act.

“Possession and use of stones for anything but licensed and regulated stone gardens is illegal,” NPA spokesman Omaru Omawari droned, “While it’s technically legal to possess pebbles as a hobby, the moment you put them in the ground, that is cultivation.”

“There are no known medical uses for stones,” said Dr. Aff Quack, chief of oriental medicine at Tokyo Medical University, “except for arranging them in absurdist patterns in zen gardens.”

Honnie’s Himusho, leading no-talent talento agency, pledged it would screen all of its entertainers for use of illegal stones and stone residue.

“If I catch any of our boy groups with stones, I will make them strip and spank each other,” said aging founder Honnie, “or was that what we do for auditions?”

# # #

In other news, the little girl who sang the “Ponyo, Ponyo, Ponyo” song announced her engagement to the little boy best known as Kodomo Tencho amid swirling rumors of yet another “dekichatta kekkon.”

Posted via email from invisiblegaijin

The dance pair Maneki Neko Duck, Miroka Hima, Miss Singularity Japan 2008, and Any Won Willdo, Miss Singularity from TriniLopez and Tobacco 2012, were allegedly caught on a sex tape with her boyfriend, Crasher “Why, it’s a Gallery” Squirrel.

Maneki Duck, the top in the now infamous dance pair, squawked and spit, “AFURAKKU this, bee-yach!”

“NYAFURAKKU yo’ mama, anitis mo’fo!,” riposted Maneki “Boke Bottom” Neko, scion of a long line of maneki-neko of the Gotoku-ji sect who was disowned for his instant internet meme, “once duck, never buck.”

Currie Postjean, a former Miss California who lost her crown following the release of pre-enhancement nude photos and sex video, quipped, “Rogue! Betcha that got the I-read-shukanshi-in-kanji-thus-I-am-god Gaijin in Japan going!”

“Three is definitely not enough,” commented ThE_ReAL_Trini_Lopez, best remembered for his performance in The Dirty Dozen and number one hit, “If I Had a Hammer, You’d be my Nail.”

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In other news, Oprah Winfrey announced the end of her show after a quarter century, “Ain’t no way I can beat Tamori, so might as well give up while I’m ahead.”

Posted via email from invisiblegaijin

The Japanese government today announced that Japan’s economy was just having a “mild and temporal deflation” and, no worries, would definitely perform turgidly after a good night’s sleep and a Viagra.

Government spokesperson, Unko Tappuri, busted loose and gushed, “Prices are going down, so now consumers save more by buying more! Whooya! Your Government never lies!”

Nichigin (Bank of Japan) spokesperson, Cho Jijiikusai, intoned solemnly, “waga nihon no economy is picking up so go into debt now – at today’s low rate, you can’t afford not to!”

The Japanese people, including the Gaijin who live here permanently like it or not, rose as one in protest and, invoking Joe Wilson, spoke in one voice, “YOU LIE!” Then proceeded to hang all politico-bastards and bureaucratic eunuchs, trash the Imperial Palace but not the Emperor, and hold their breath until their faces turned blue.

As Japan slipped back into the chaotic anarchy of the Warring States period circa the mid-15th century to mid-17th century, the Democratic Party of Japan delivered on its “manifesto” promise of per-child cash subsidiaries with the bonus act of legalizing polygamy for men over 60 and women under 30 only.

The Japanese government today announced that Japan’s economy was just having a “mild and temporal deflation” and, no worries, would definitely perform turgidly after a good night’s sleep and a Viagra.

Government spokesperson, Unko Tappuri, busted loose and gushed, “Prices are going down, so now consumers save more by buying more! Whooya! Your Government never lies!”

Nichigin (Bank of Japan) spokesperson, Cho Jijiikusai, intoned solemnly, “waga nihon no economy is picking up so go into debt now – at today’s low rate, you can’t afford not to!”

The Japanese people, including the Gaijin who live here permanently like it or not, rose as one in protest and, invoking Joe Wilson, spoke in one voice, “YOU LIE!” Then proceeded to hang all politico-bastards and bureaucratic eunuchs, trash the Imperial Palace but not the Emperor, and hold their breath until their faces turned blue.

As Japan slipped back into the chaotic anarchy of the Warring States period circa the mid-15th century to mid-17th century, the Democratic Party of Japan delivered on its “manifesto” promise of per-child cash subsidiaries with the bonus act of legalizing polygamy for men over 60 and women under 30 only.

# # #

In other news, Hello Kitty denied allegations she had undergone mouth restoration surgery, emphatically mumbling, “umm, nhm, gnrmn!!!”

Posted via email from invisiblegaijin