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Monthly Archives: October 2009

Screen shot 2009-10-27 at 9.36.11 AM

Microsoft’s new operating system, Windows 7, is a hit in Japan, especially for its demonstrated ability to not work during live demos.

At the official Windows 7 launch event, Ultraman 7, beloved costumed monster-fighter, failed to make the touchscreen function work as advertised to enthusiastic cheers from the audience of paid volunteer fan boys.

Aoi Sukurinobudesu, Microsoft spokesperson, commented, “Consumers told us they wanted features that don’t work right out of the box. And we gave it to them right up the wazoo.”

S.C. Johnson, maker of Windex®, projects a sharp increase in revenues due to Windows 7, “We forecast record demand for glass cleaners, especially from those guys eating Windows 7 Whoppers. We see millions of touchscreens with greasy fingerprint smudges as a good thing for the American economy.”

When asked for comment, Tux, the Linux Penguin, scoffed, “Who needs touchscreen? Real geeks use the command line. Plus, I have flippers, not fingers.”

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In other news, more than half of Japanese people haven’t read a book in the past month reported Yomiuri Shimbun, a newspaper that 97% of the respondents haven’t read in the past year.

Win7Samurai

sazaeUFO

Tarao “Tara-chan” Fuguta, the six-year-old boy feared to be aboard a flyaway dorayaki-shaped balloon, was found safe hiding in the attic of the Isono family home in the Asahigaoka area of Tokyo.

The tale of the “balloon boy” captivated and titillated Japanese audiences on an otherwise slow news day when no talento were arrested for drugs, naked dancing, or criminal lack of talent.

“Tara-chan,” one of the stars of the reality TV show, “Sazae-san,” got sick twice after blurting out “you said we did it for a show!” to his father, Masuo-niisan, when grilled by Tamori on a live broadcast of “Waratte Ii Tomo.”

The balloon boy’s mother, Sazae “Sazae-san” Fuguta, has confessed to the hoax, saying, “The network blames the show’s falling ratings on my sagging cartoon boobs. Even Masuo-niisan doesn’t want me like he used to. I was desperate for attention.”

The saga ended when the balloon crashed at Saga Airport and rescuers were shocked to find in the wreckage, not a little boy, but Crasher Squirrel, the long-forgotten internet meme, who commented, “This story should be about me, me, ME – I’m an internet meme, ha-hah-HAH!”

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In other news, fashion magazine Pinky announced it would suspend publication at yearend, stating, “Young women just aren’t interested in little fingers anymore.”

sazaeUFO

Tarao “Tara-chan” Fuguta, the six-year-old boy feared to be aboard a flyaway dorayaki-shaped balloon, was found safe hiding in the attic of the Isono family home in the Asahigaoka area of Tokyo.

The tale of the “balloon boy” captivated and titillated Japanese audiences on an otherwise slow news day when no talento were arrested for drugs, naked dancing, or criminal lack of talent.

“Tara-chan,” one of the stars of the reality TV show, “Sazae-san,” got sick twice after blurting out “you said we did it for a show!” to his father, Masuo-niisan, when grilled by Tamori on a live broadcast of “Waratte Ii Tomo.”

The balloon boy’s mother, Sazae “Sazae-san” Fuguta, has confessed to the hoax, saying, “The network blames the show’s falling ratings on my sagging cartoon boobs. Even Masuo-niisan doesn’t want me like he used to. I was desperate for attention.”

The saga ended when the balloon crashed at Saga Airport and rescuers were shocked to find in the wreckage, not a little boy, but Crasher Squirrel, the long-forgotten internet meme, who commented, “This story should be about me, me, ME – I’m an internet meme, ha-hah-HAH!”

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In other news, fashion magazine Pinky announced it would suspend publication at yearend, stating, “Young women just aren’t interested in little fingers anymore.”

Screen shot 2009-10-19 at 6.14.50 PM

Japan’s First Lady Miyuki Hatoyama was named one of nine “Best Jeans-ist 2009” awardees in yet another made-for-TV-news awards show.

“Let me be clear: I’m surprised and humbled by this award,” said Miyuki Hatoyama, “To be honest, I do not feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many of the transformative figures who’ve been honored by this prize, including has-beens like Koda Kumi; resurrected-from-the-dead-and-no-longer-teen-pop-idols, SPEED; and famous-because-he’s-the-grandson-of-a-former-prime-minister, Daigo.”

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In other news, Microsoft Corporation denied rumors that it was recruiting Tokyo 2.0 Night attendees to line up for the cameras at Wednesday’s made-for-TV-news “midnight launch” of Windows 7. “Hey, c’mon, Andrew, Paul, and those guys all use Mac OS,” said Microsoft Japan spokesperson, Aoi Sukurinuobudesu.

Screen shot 2009-10-19 at 6.14.50 PM

Japan’s First Lady Miyuki Hatoyama was named one of nine “Best Jeans-ist 2009” awardees in yet another made-for-TV-news awards show.

“Let me be clear: I’m surprised and humbled by this award,” said Miyuki Hatoyama, “To be honest, I do not feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many of the transformative figures who’ve been honored by this prize, including has-beens like Koda Kumi; resurrected-from-the-dead-and-no-longer-teen-pop-idols, SPEED; and famous-because-he’s-the-grandson-of-a-former-prime-minister, Daigo.”

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In other news, Microsoft Corporation denied rumors that it was recruiting Tokyo 2.0 Night attendees to line up for the cameras at Wednesday’s made-for-TV-news “midnight launch” of Windows 7. “Hey, c’mon, Andrew, Paul, and those guys all use Mac OS,” said Microsoft Japan spokesperson, Aoi Sukurinuobudesu.

Screen shot 2009-10-10 at 9.15.02 PM

Miyuki Hatoyama, Japan’s First Lady, has been awarded the Nobel Kimchi Prize “for her extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples.”

“Some people say — and I understand it — ‘Isn’t it premature? Too early?’ Well, I’d say then that it could be too late to eat this year’s kimchi three years from now,” Thorbjoern Jagland, chairman of the Norwegian Nobel Committee, said. “It is now that we have the opportunity to respond — all of us — to the challenges and opportunities presented by kimchi.”

Hatoyama said she was “surprised and deeply humbled” by the honor, and planned to travel to Oslo in December to accept the prize.

“Let me be clear: I do not view it as a recognition of my own accomplishments with tsukemono, but rather as an affirmation of Japanese leadership on behalf of the kimchi aspirations held by people in all nations,” she said at the Prime Minister’s Official Residence. “To be honest, I do not feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many of the transformative figures who’ve been honored by this prize.”

Hatoyama will donate the $1.4 million cash award that comes with the prize to charities for former internet memes, Crasher Squirrel and Pancake Rabbit.

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In other news, Sazae-san, beloved manga/anime character, shocked Japan’s entertainment media by announcing she would appear in a nude pictorial in Playboy magazine.