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Tom Cruise, famed Hollywood actor and short guy, and Crasher Squirrel, the already-almost-forgotten-internet-meme, confirmed today they had flown with Japan’s soon-to-be First Lady, Miyuki Hatoyama, on a UFO to Venus repeatedly in Mr. Cruise’s previous life as a samurai warrior, during Mrs. Hatoyama’s vivid dreams, and while Crasher Squirrel was having a LSD flashback.

Tom Cruise stated, “Have you ever gotten the feeling that you aren’t completely embarassed yet, but you glimpse tomorrow’s embarrassment? And it has to do with a UFO, a Japanese lady, and a squirrel? And Scientology? And Oprah?”

Responding angrily to a barrage of questions from Japan’s notoriously vapid entertainment media, Crasher Squirrel said, “The allegations that I am a Photoshop composite have absolutely no basis in truth. I am a real squirrel in a real movie poster, Tom really was a samurai in a previous life, Miyuki is cool, and my nuts are gigantic, okay?”

Yukio “The Bird” Hatoyama, presumptive Prime Minister of Japan, denied rumors that his Cabinet would shift away from the Japan-US alliance. “I was mistranslated. I said healthcare should be socialized in the U.S., Obama was born in Fukui Prefecture, and Miyuki once entertained a battalion of US marines, whoo-rah!”

In an exclusive interview with InvisibleGaijin, the Venusian UFO aliens issued their first statement to the global media,”AYBABTU,” before firing beam weapons and vaporizing the giant Gundam statue at Odaiba.


In other news, Kimba the White Lion has been hospitalized for schizophrenia, insisting he is actually a Japanese anime character named Leo. Dr. Mahha GouGou, head of Nihon Kichigai National Hospital, said, “We suspect Kimba is suffering from an acute case of Astro-Boy/Speed Racer syndrome.”

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  1. “Notoriously vapid…” I love it. I’m a word hound
    You’re pretty good with absurdity! I wish I could do it as well

  2. I’ve always thought Tom Cruise was hot ever since I first saw _Endless Love_ in February 1982! As for whether or not he ever gets back with Nicole, I bet he’s going to be more likely this polygamist and he’ll be married to Katie Holmes, Nicole Kidman and me all at the same time!

  3. Will be good if Tom Cruise will work with Jack Nicholson again. They were together in 1992 movie A few Good Men. I’ve heard that they plan to work together in comedy “El Presidente”. Goodluck!

2 Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. […] Tom Cruise and Crasher Squirrel: “We flew with Miyuki Hatoyama on the UFO!” « InvisibleGaijin – view page – cached #InvisibleGaijin RSS Feed InvisibleGaijin » Tom Cruise and Crasher Squirrel: “We flew with Miyuki Hatoyama on the UFO!” Comments Feed InvisibleGaijin Death of a Salaryman 59 Ways to Tell if You’re a Gaijin, not a Gaikokujin — From the page […]

  2. […] Squirrel, struggling to regain relevance since his 15 minutes of fame are up, said, “I rode the UFO with First Lady Miyuki Hatoyama and Tom Cruise! I have a copy of President Obama’s birth certificate – he’s a squirrel! My nuts […]

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