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Kimba the White Lion has been hospitalized for schizophrenia, following his arrest in Shibuya for obstruction of justice and suspicion of possession/usage of synthetic baboon turd known as “apeshit” at all-night, outdoor “rave” parties frequented by over-the-hill-but-still-kawaii idol singers of the 80s.

Stopped by Japanese police for “routine” questioning, Kimba the White Lion allegedly became agitated when asked to “voluntarily” submit to a body cavity search, insisting he is actually a Japanese anime character named “Leo.”

Police spokesman, Omaru Omawari, who leaks information to the media like an ojisan pissing in the streets, said, “You don’t see too many cartoon lions in Shibuya, so we were immediately suspicious. And most people happily ‘volunteer’ for a body cavity search so when he said, ‘no, thank you,’ we knew something was amiss.”

“We arrested him when he began violently shouting, ‘I’m Japanese! I was born here! I have rights!’ because every real Japanese knows that you have to let the police do whatever we want or we’ll throw your ass in jail on ‘suspicion.’ Rights, my ass.” concluded Mr. Omawari as he prepared to get blackout drunk and do another hit-and-run.

Child star, Hollywood legend, and inspiration for Disney’s “The Lion King,” Kimba the White Lion influenced generations of Americans, many of whom still believe that wild beasts can sing and dance anthropomorphically.

In recent years, Kimba the White Lion has been rumored to be bleaching his fur in an effort to appear more white. Photographic comparisons also appear to indicate he has undergone repeated plastic surgeries on his cute little button nose.

Dr. Mahha GouGou, head of Nihon Kichigai National Hospital, said, “We suspect Kimba the White Lion is suffering from an acute case of Astro-Boy/Speed Racer syndrome. We also suspect, with no evidence whatsoever, that he caught it from gaijin in Roppongi, mainly because blaming things on gaijin always makes us feel better.”

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In other news, Gundam revealed that Megan Fox is pregnant with his child, commenting, “Dekichatta yo!


  1. You should send an article to “The Onion”
    They are the masters of absurdity
    or maybe you have already

    • Slowly but surely, Invisible Gaijin is finding his way on the journey of life. Next stop, the Onion, Saturday Night Live, Hollywood?!

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