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Monthly Archives: September 2009

World Economic Forum Japan Meeting 2009

Japan’s Prime Minister Yukio “The Bird” Hatoyama made a surprise appearance on the Late Show with David Letterman on Tuesday in New York.

“Boy! Your hair is really wacky. Yuk-Yuk!,” snorkled Letterman, “how do you respond to accusations you took contributions from dead people?”

“First of all, I think it’s really important to realize my hair was unruly before the elections,” said Hatoyama, “and let’s not forget that dead people have a significantly lower carbon footprint than the living.”

“You’ve got the 2nd highest approval rating of any Japanese prime minister since Koizumi,” chorkled Letterman, “are you sure wacky hair doesn’t have something to do with it?”

“I’m just here to see the heart-shaped potato,” Hatoyama commented, “I’ve already seen heart-shaped daikon back home but eating giant white Japanese radish always gives me gas.”

“And, by the way, Dave,” deadpanned Hatoyama, “Congratulations on your big Emmy win.”

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In other news, Megan Fox in her latest film, “Jennifer’s Body,” proves she needs very large mechanical beings, fast cars, and big explosions to distract from her lack of acting talent.

Chimpanzee_head_sketch

Groups of predatory “meat-eating obasan” (nikushoku obasan) are using Twitter to organize “groping parties” (chikan pa-ti-) to terrorize “herbivore men” (soshoku otoko) on train lines in Tokyo, Japan.

Self-proclaimed “herbivore male” Hiki Komori said, “A group of obasan surrounded me, put their hands into my Doraemon underpants, and started slapping my monkey. I don’t even like to think about sex. I just want to bake herb bread at home.”

“Most young men today have no konjo, you know, balls, no, um, they lack the courage to speak out,” said self-proclaimed “leader of the pack” of the Tokyo Chikan-Obasan Federation, Koi Waisetsu, “Thus, it’s not a public nuisance and thus not against the law. And you know they like it.”

Self-proclaimed expert on things obasan, Jo-ji Saruno, “It’s not about slapping monkeys. It’s about power, domination, and repressed desire for Bae Yong Joon. Okay, it is about slapping monkeys.”

National Police Agency spokesman, Omaru Omawari, “I pay money every week in Kabukicho for obasan to slap my monkey, what’s your point?”

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In other news, Prime Minister Yukio “The Bird” Hatoyama announced, “We have ordered a formal investigation into allegations that secret treaties between the United States and Japan allowed the manufacture, possession, and use of atomic monkey slappers.”

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Kanye West was not amused by InvisibleGaijin’s post, Noriko Sakai Press Conference Erupts in Chaos.

(Kanye your own site at: kanyethis.com)

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Screen shot 2009-09-18 at 8.45.59 PM

Kanye West was not amused by InvisibleGaijin’s post, Noriko Sakai Press Conference Erupts in Chaos.

(Kanye your own site at: kanyethis.com)

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NoriPiandFriends

Kanye West, Joe Wilson, Crasher Squirrel, and Serena Williams interrupted Noriko Sakai’s “gomennasai” press conference, which then erupted into chaos.

Released on bail, Sakai began her carefully scripted, tearful, and heartfelt apology, confession of guilt, and acceptance of blame for all things wrong in Japanese society today, “Gomennasai, I’m druggie, loser, bad mother, estranged wife of a self-proclaimed-surfer, tenant of a shabby beach house in Chiba, my boobs aren’t real, and I could never really sing all that great.”

Rapper Kanye West jumped on stage, grabbed the microphone, and shouted, “Yo Noriko, really happy about your release and Imma let you finish but Oshio Manabu had the best drugs arrest this year!”

U.S. Representative Joe Wilson looking outraged and constipated said, “うそつき!” stuck out his tongue, and then ran home to mommy.

Crasher Squirrel, struggling to regain relevance since his 15 minutes of fame are up, said, “I rode the UFO with First Lady Miyuki Hatoyama and Tom Cruise! I have a copy of President Obama’s birth certificate – he’s a squirrel! My nuts are humongous!”

Serena Williams, “Hey Squirrel, if I could, I would take this f—k ball and shove it down your f—k throat! And then crack your nuts with my biceps!”

Japan’s news media, unable to comprehend this deviation from the script, erupted into chaos and forgot to report on the first day of Prime Minister Yukio “the Bird” Hatoyama’s administration, which will determine whether Japan regains its economic footing and global standing, or plunges straight into hell.

(special credit to @aragoto for the Kanye West quote)

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shink11

Tokyo Metropolitan Police today announced the second arrest in the widely-publicized-thus-less-effective-than-it-would-have-been-if-it-was-a-complete-surprise anti-train groper campaign that was launched earlier this week.

Aho Bakatare, a 49-year-old self-professed “mama’s boy,” was arrested when he was caught in the act of fondling the wheels of a Shinkansen train as it was leaving Tokyo Station, cutting off most of his fingers.

Bakatare has admitted his crimes, confessing, “The wheels were shiny and new, curvaceous, so hard like steel yet lush and ripe. Once I started touching the rims, I couldn’t stop myself, I had to touch the wheels. The train didn’t say anything so I thought it was okay.”

The alleged victim, Nozomi 69, cried, “I was shocked. I felt so unclean. Was it my fault? Now I all want is to squash the bastard under my steel wheels repeatedly until he’s toast, or mochi, depending upon your cultural preferences.”

JR East officials commented, “We’re still working out the details but we are seriously considering rush-hour ‘Train-Only Trains’ to stop train groping in its tracks.”

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In other news, Crasher Squirrel denied allegations of train groping, commenting, “Hey, I was just looking for a place to hide my nuts!”

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Japanese appliance manufacturer, Panasanyo, has launched a line of vacuum cleaners for women with three arms (see photo above, right side).

“In an age of diversifying consumer needs, we’ve decided to target the oxymoronic niche-niches, namely women with three arms,” said Panasanyo spokeswoman, Perky Oppai, “plus, three is a lucky number because it’s an Illuminati prime.”

Consumer advocates and xenophobes are not amused, however, “it’s clearly the same made-in-china-thus-might-explode cheap vacuum cleaner they launched last year for left-handed women. They should be offering made-in-Japan-still-might-explode-but-we’ll-cover-it-up products like everyone else.”

Other manufacturers are scrambling to address other niche-niche markets, including Sagami Rubber, the leading Japanese condom maker.

National Police Agency spokesperson, Omaru Omawari, said, “We will stop and question anybody with three arms and, if they give us any shit, we’ll throw their ass in jail for 23 days. That so-called ‘extension’ looks like it could be used to smoke crystal meth. We are investigating the connection to Sakai Noriko, so we can keep the wool pulled over people’s eyes about all those other unsolved crimes.”

Outgoing Prime Minister Taro “Dick” Aso said, “What? No questions about losing my last erection?”

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In other news, Ichiro Suzuki set a Major League Baseball record for nine consecutive seasons with 200 hits but the Seattle Mariners are still not in contention.