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Monthly Archives: August 2009

YoungMrMrsHatoyamaSquirrel

Yukio “The Bird” Hatoyama, leader of the Democratic Party of Japan, which swept to a landslide victory in today’s elections in Japan, has been implicated in a love triangle with an internet meme known only as “Crasher Squirrel.”

Sources close to the DPJ leader confirm the existence of photographs dating back decades that show Hatoyama, his wife, and an unidentified member of genera Sciurus Photointerruptus.

Taro “Dick” Aso, the soon-to-be-demonized-as-a-loser leader of the former ruling Liberal Democrat Party, commented, “hell, now I’ve got time to read all those manga I’ve been missing,” somewhat incongruously since the question was about the frequency of his erections.

Cute-but-dumber-than-all-hell TV announcer, Perky Oppai, commented, “Kawaii! Hatoyama-san looks like constipated Hello Kitty!”

McDonalds Japan spokes-gaijin, Mr. James, gushed, 「ハトヤマサンビッグマックミタイニスゴイネ!」。

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In other news, ignorantly stupid Americans shout down their mothers at town hall meeting about health care reform.

TaroAsoSquirrel

In a last-ditch effort to retain power, Japan’s Prime Minister, Taro “Dick” Aso, invoked the wildly popular internet meme, “Crasher Squirrel,” as voters go to the polls today to throw the bastards and old farts out.

Campaigning at the Harajuku Super-Yosakoi Extreme Matsuri, Aso said, “Who you gonna trust with the reins of power in Japan? Who’s gonna protect you and your family? Who’s gonna build an anime/manga/otaku museum? Me and this squirrel, that’s who!”

In rebuttal, Democratic Party of Japan leader, Yukio “The Bird” Hatoyama, scoffed, “If you think Japan’s voters will be swayed by a squirrel, you’re wrong – they want empty promises, not internet memes.”

Outspoken species-rights advocate, Arubaito Debuhito, screeched, “I am outraged at this exploitation of species stereotypes for political purposes. Everyone knows squirrels are not cute fuzzy little animals, they are vicious exploiters of defenseless nuts.”

Asked for comment, Crasher Squirrel said, “I’m a Libertarian but when they offered me peanuts from Chiba, well, I just had to say yes, you know?”

TaroAsoSquirrel

In a last-ditch effort to retain power, Japan’s Prime Minister, Taro “Dick” Aso, invoked the wildly popular internet meme, “Crasher Squirrel,” as voters go to the polls today to throw the bastards and old farts out.

Campaigning at the Harajuku Super-Yosakoi Extreme Matsuri, Aso said, “Who you gonna trust with the reins of power in Japan? Who’s gonna protect you and your family? Who’s gonna build an anime/manga/otaku museum? Me and this squirrel, that’s who!”

In rebuttal, Democratic Party of Japan leader, Yukio “The Bird” Hatoyama, scoffed, “If you think Japan’s voters will be swayed by a squirrel, you’re wrong – they want empty promises, not internet memes.”

Outspoken species-rights advocate, Arubaito Debuhito, screeched, “I am outraged at this exploitation of species stereotypes for political purposes. Everyone knows squirrels are not cute fuzzy little animals, they are vicious exploiters of defenseless nuts.”

Asked for comment, Crasher Squirrel said, “I’m a Libertarian but when they offered me peanuts from Chiba, well, I just had to say yes, you know?”