(Photo: IG News)
TOKYO (IG News) — A 25-year-old former civil servant was crowned this year’s Miss Underarm Japan on Tuesday.
“I can’t believe it,” said Maido Itaizo after winning the 2010 Miss Underarm Japan pageant held in Tokyo on Tuesdsay, as tears came to her eyes. “I want to represent all of the Japanese people’s underarms at the international competition.”
Itaizo, who lives in Kusaizo City in Waki Prefecture, spoke English and Klingon during her speech at Tuesday’s contest, “Heghpu’ jib ghajbe’ qabqu’boghfhach!” said Itaizo with a winning smile before chopping off Miss Congeniality’s head with a bat’leth.
Itaizo, who was selected from among some 4,000 applicants, will compete at the Miss Underarm pageant in July after four month of intense training, including a diet of natto, blue cheese, and raw garlic to ensure pungency.
Japan has been performing well at the annual international competition for the past few years despite objections from feminists who decry the objectification of female armpits.
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In other news, the Sea Shepard turns around again, heads to Tokyo to save Sumo rikishi.
(Photo: Happy Obasan picking coca leaves in Shizuoka Prefecture.)
TOKYO, Japan (IG News) — Prime Minister Yukio “Bird” Hatoyama announced today that Japan would legalize cocaine as part of a new economic revitalization and jobs creation program.
“Not only will this bold measure create jobs for Obasan in the countryside,” sniffed Hatoyama, “but it will also make the Japanese people feel better about the lack of true prospects for economic growth.”
“Sugoi! I feel like I could pick coca leaves all day!,” buzzed Henna Obasan, “And watch out when my Ojisan mixes viagra and coke with a shot of shochu! It’s like being 17 again! Bwah-ha-ha!”
“Outrageous! Cocaine is a gateway to Coca-Cola,” snorted Liberal Democratic Party chief Sadakazu “Little Dick” Tanigaki, “next thing you know no-talent talento will be injecting Fanta.”
Coca-Cola Japan announced a new drink product called “Diet Coke Coke” containing a 2% solution of cocaine and no sugar.
“Yes, Coke, Yes!” warbled spokesperson Perky Oppai, “Coke is it!”
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In other news, Mitsuya Cider launches “Cider Shock with Crystal Meth” featuring spokesperson and rehabilitated drug residue user Noriko “Da Nori-P” Sakai.
PARIS, Hilton (IG News) — The Japanese film director “Beat” Takeshi Kitano has been awarded the Commander of the Order of Jerry Lewis by France in recognition of his achievements.
French Culture Minister Pepé “Le Pew” Mitterround bestowed the country’s highest honor for artists on Kitano at a ceremony in Paris on Tuesday.
Mitterround said Kitano’s work not only entertains but has a deeper meaning that no one can grasp thus allowing the sort of pretensions to superiority so beloved by French cinema critics. The Minister said he also respects Kitano as a fartiste.
Kitano won the Golden Lion for best movie at the Venice Film Festival in 1997 with “HANA-BI”, a dark tale about a police officer who drinks and smashes his motorcycle into immovable objects. In 2003, “ZATOICHI”, the story of a blind swordsman who hunts whales and dolphins, was given a special director’s award at the same festival.
Asked for comment, Kitano said, “Why not ECC?”
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In other news, Sea Shepard turns around, heads to USA to save the People of Walmart.
TOKYO, Japan (IG News) — InvisibleGaijin and a team of elite activists risked their lives to secretly film the diabolical Japanese slaughtering and baking of cute little bunnies and turtles.
“Japan claims this is scientific research,” said Hyster Eric, head of People for the Ethical Treatment of Anthropomorphically Cute Animals but Not Ugly Fat People, “but this is clearly intended to flout international conventions on endangered baked goods! Oh my god, they actually eat baked goods shaped like cuddly rabbits and cute turtles!”
“Those dang Japanese should eat American beef!” hollered Betcha Fatass, president of the U.S. Arteriolosclerosis Export Federation, “only cultural imperialists would insist otherwise,” who then keeled over from cardiac infarction.
“There are some countries that eat cows and there are other countries that eat whales or dolphins,” said Zenzen Wakattenai, fisheries division director at the Japanese Foreign Ministry. “A film about baked goods shaped like cows or pigs might also be unwelcome to workers in that industry.”
“Save the Rabbits and Turtles! Kill People!” shouted Peter Rabid, yet another random crazy guy with a gun in America, “If Japanese rabbit and turtle baked goods had concealed weapons permits, we wouldn’t be having this discussion. You talking to me? YOU talking to me?”
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In other news, Japan kills 1000s of whales every year. And 110,000 Americans die from obesity in the same period.
