Tag Archives: satire

New DPJ Manifesto Calls for Puppy Subsidies

SHIBA, Japan (IG News) — The Democratic Party of Japan announced a new subsidy for puppies following a stunning repudiation by Japanese voters yesterday.

“Everybody loves puppies and everybody loves subsidies,” said prime minister Naoto “Can-Can” Kan, “just don’t tell people it’s their tax money to begin with and they’ll fall for it.”

“Kawaii! I love puppies! Free money?! I love free money!” cackled Henna Obasan, who previously supported the Liberal Democrat Old Farts, “DPJ’s got my vote! Bwah-hah-ha!”

DPJ candidate Shiro the White Softbank Dog failed in his bid for election, losing to internet celebrity Pedo-Bear.

In conceding defeat, Shiro the White Softbank Dog scoffed at allegations of infidelity and interspecies sex, commenting, “Hey, all men are dogs.”

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In other news, star of The Cove says video shows cruelty to Octopus Paul.

Japan PM Naoto Kan Confesses, “I am a Sleeper!”

Tokyo (IG News) — Japan was stunned today when prime minister Naoto “Yes We” Kan confessed that he has been a “sleeper” for much of his political career.

“Let me be clear: I am sleeper,” said Kan, “and I like to nap, snooze, and hibernate too. My Cabinet are all a bunch of sleepers.”

“You lie!,” shouted Liberal Democratic Party chief Sazukazu “Little Dick” Tanigaki, “the LDP was the first to sleep and has been sleeping for the past 60 years! We are the true sleepers of Japan.”

Noted observer of things Japanese @locohama commented, “Dude, there are sleepers everywhere in Japan. On the trains, in meetings, in the futon. Just one of those things.”

Asked for the comment, the Japanese economy said, “Huh? What? I’ve been sleeping for the past 15 years … zzzzz ….”

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In other news, millions of Americans buy tickets to Iran hoping to get stoned to death.

Boy Hunting Season Opens in Japan

BISHOUNEN, Japan (IG News) — “Kyaaah!” “Sugoooi!” “Umasou!” High-pitched screams of delight filled the air yesterday as the seasonal ban on hunting down little boys in the ocean was lifted across Japan.

Little boys are released into the water, where young women hunt them down relentlessly in an ancient tradition dating back to last summer.

A handful of these little boys are captured alive and sold into slavery in the Japanese entertainment industry.

The rest are herded into a hidden cove, then forced to watch Glee until their heads explode.

Activists claim that little boys contain dangerously high levels of frogs and snails and puppy dog tails, and thus should not be used in really cheap bento sold on the streets of Tokyo.

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In other news, Asian-American dolphins protest use of Japanese dolphins in “The Cove.”

The Wrath of Kan: Vote for Me, I’ll Tax Your Ass Off

Tokyo (IG News) — Japan’s prime minister Naoto “Yes We” Kan promised today to “tax the ass off the Japanese people.”

“The Japanese people’s asses are getting too big, like Beyoncé big,” said the slim-hipped, flat-assed Kan, “increasing taxes means they’ll lose weight by working even harder for less returns.”

Asked about the morality of increasing taxes when the average politician’s income is five times that of the average Japanese household, Kan replied, “Qu’ils mangent de la brioche.”

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In other news, Mino Monta’s mom apologized to the Japanese people “for my son being such a dick.”

Japanese Deny Cruelty to Horses in Festival

YOMAMA, Biyachi Preference (IG News) — A local man in samurai costume begins his backwards-horsetop-descent down a steep hill during the Gyaku-Uma-Sagari festival in Yomama, Biyachi Prefecture on May 6, 2010.

「おおおう！しっと!」 cried Hontowa Gei invoking a centuries-old ritual before tumbling down the hill repeatedly in front of friends, family, and people with being-crushed-by-horses fetishes.

About 100,000 people attended the traditional event, which is designated as a intangible cultural asset despite the absence of phallic objects or any connection with Tiger Woods.

“I’m getting too old for this shit,” sighed Naisu Ojisandayo, celebrating his 70th year as the event’s official nice-old-guy-in-white-cap, “young guys always piss their fundoshi and expect me to clean up. I get no respect!”

Event officials denied any cruelty to the horses, “Au Contraire, Mon Frère! The horses get a big kick out of crushing young guys to death. It’s an unique equine cultural practice that we don’t presume to judge.”

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In other news, Martians say no to relocation of Futenma air station.

Japan Train Groper Campaign Nets 77 Arrests

TOKYO (IG News) — Police arrested 77 chikan train gropers during a one week campaign in greater Tokyo in mid-April and 29 of the 77 were found to be repeat offenders.

“What a bunch of dicks,” said Tokyo Metropolitan Police spokesperson Chikan Shineh, “Who would be stupid enough to molest women on trains during a highly publicized police campaign?”

Fans of the Saikyo and JR Chuo lines were thrilled their favorite chikan-densha were once again tied for the top place in number of arrestees at six pathetic-losers-who-should-be-shot each.

“Ureshiidayo! I’m so happy! I ride the Saikyo every day, if you get my drift?” said Chinko “Willy” Atama as he winked-winked and nudge-nudged feverishly, “The Saikyo is like a conveyor belt sushi place for perverts and creeps.”

In a surprise move, the Mayor of Taiji City, Iruka Kuwanei, confirmed rumors that the city’s dolphin fishermen would now use eco-friendly fishhooks baited with live chikan train gropers.

“Dolphins love chikan, they go wild!” said Kuwanei, “we love it when dolphin cackle, ‘who’s your daddy now?’ before they bite!”

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In other news, Google launches new search UI, resulting in billions of searches for “What is UI?”

Japanese Man Marries Giant Bamboo Shoot

TOKYO (IG News) – Japanese men are increasingly looking to inanimate objects for intimacy according to noted anthropologist Kintama Chongitta of the University of Tokyo’s department of arcane and useless knowledge.

“Japanese women wear the economic, social, and sexual fundoshi in the house now,” said Chongitta, “and fear of these so-called ‘carnivore women’ is causing young men to marry bamboo shoots, 2-D pillows, and videogame characters so they don’t get their balls chopped off.”

“Nothing comes between me and my takenoko,” gushed farmer Chikurin Chikusho, “we even sauté our ginko nuts together.”

“Love is where you find it,” smiled young and tender bamboo shoot Dekaboko Takenoko, “and I like the way his beard tickles my culms.”

“What’s good for Japanese bamboo is good for Japan,” said minister of agriculture Sugu Amakudari, “it’s the purity of the Japanese gene pool that makes Japanese bamboo uniquely Japanese.”

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In other news, the Shanghai World Expo was exposed today as a cheap Chinese copy of the real thing.

Astro Boy Arrested for Impersonating Catholic Priest

TOKYO (IG News) — Former manga and anime star Atomu “Tom” Tetsuwan was arrested today on suspicion of impersonating a Catholic priest at the entrance ceremony of the Gakushuin Primary School.

“I’m innocent,” said the robot, more popularly known in Hollywood as Astro Boy, “Why can’t you share your bed? The most loving thing to do is to share your bed with someone.”

In a surprise appearance at the arraignment, Pope “Eggs” Benedict encouraged Astro Boy to have “the courage of not allowing oneself to be intimidated by the petty gossip of dominant opinion” and then patted him on his cute little metallic ass.

Officials of the Gakushuin Primary School denied allegations that Astro Boy was involved in the alleged “rough behavior” that frightened Princess “Love Child” of the Imperial Family.

Issei “No Don!” Bakamura, Grandmaster Flash of Crown Prince Naruhodo’s household, said the 8-year-old princess suffered from anxiety and stomach problems after seeing that Astro Boy was not designed in an anatomically correct manner.

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In other news, @politicomix’s “Kobe Chicken” shirt is this season’s hottest fashion item in Tokyo – buy yours at http://bit.ly/aPXiL0

Japan’s New Political Party: Koheto Nippon

TOKYO (IG News) — A new party to be formed Saturday by veteran politicians defecting from the Liberal Democratic Party and an independent lawmaker will be named Koheto Nippon, which literally means “Old Fart Party of Japan” in English.

The new party’s initial goal is to “make sure the ruling coalition parties do not attain a majority [of farts] in the House of Councillors election” this summer so that the opposition parties can control the flatulence of the upper house, resulting in a situation in which one side controls the lower chamber of the Diet and the other side the upper chamber of the nation’s political rectum.

Response by Japanese voters to yet another political party was swift on Twitter.

“Old farts cut the cheese in the first place! We need new farts なう！ Yes, we can!” tweeted Arafo Konkatsu, letting loose with a silent but deadly onara, incapacitating thousands of evening commuters on the Chiyoda subway.

Tokyo governor Shintaro “Twitchy” Ishihara, who named the new Tachiagare Nippon Party, denied rumors that he named the Koheto Nippon Party, as well as the Dodemo Ii Party or “Who gives a shit?” party.

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In other news, millions of Japanese are rushing to buy the limited edition Koheto Nippon t-shirt here.

New Political Party in Japan: “Get It Up, Japan!”

TOKYO (IG News) — Five former members of the Liberal Democratic Old Farts Party have launched a new political party in Japan called 「たちあがれ日本」or the “Get It Up, Japan!” Party.

“It’s time for Japan to get it up again,” said Takeo “Droopy” Hiranuma turgidly, “it’s been too long since we’ve had a tumescent Japan.”

“Japan must stand erect,” stated former Finance Minister Kaoru “Yes, it’s my real hair!” Yosano swellingly, “the rigidity of the Japanese spirit amongst our members shall rise once again.”

“Let me be clear, it will be a long and hard ride,” intoned Prime Minister Yukio “Bird” Hatoyama tumidly, “this is not the time to distend and engorge ourselves with orotund language.”

“No more excuses,” panted Perky Oppai, chairperson of the Obasan Just Want to Have Fun Party, “Japan, just get it up already!”

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In other news, (^o^)/(⌒0⌒)／~~