Tag Archives: politics

New DPJ Manifesto Calls for Puppy Subsidies

SHIBA, Japan (IG News) — The Democratic Party of Japan announced a new subsidy for puppies following a stunning repudiation by Japanese voters yesterday.

“Everybody loves puppies and everybody loves subsidies,” said prime minister Naoto “Can-Can” Kan, “just don’t tell people it’s their tax money to begin with and they’ll fall for it.”

“Kawaii! I love puppies! Free money?! I love free money!” cackled Henna Obasan, who previously supported the Liberal Democrat Old Farts, “DPJ’s got my vote! Bwah-hah-ha!”

DPJ candidate Shiro the White Softbank Dog failed in his bid for election, losing to internet celebrity Pedo-Bear.

In conceding defeat, Shiro the White Softbank Dog scoffed at allegations of infidelity and interspecies sex, commenting, “Hey, all men are dogs.”

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In other news, star of The Cove says video shows cruelty to Octopus Paul.

Deadly CosPlay Virus Spreads to Europe

Plaistre du Paris (IG News) — Public health authorities announced today the deadly CosPlay virus, variant R2D2, has spread to continental Europe, with four confirmed infections in France.

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In other news, Kimba the White Lion, Sazae-san, and train gropers lose erections in Japan.

The Wrath of Kan: Vote for Me, I’ll Tax Your Ass Off

Tokyo (IG News) — Japan’s prime minister Naoto “Yes We” Kan promised today to “tax the ass off the Japanese people.”

“The Japanese people’s asses are getting too big, like Beyoncé big,” said the slim-hipped, flat-assed Kan, “increasing taxes means they’ll lose weight by working even harder for less returns.”

Asked about the morality of increasing taxes when the average politician’s income is five times that of the average Japanese household, Kan replied, “Qu’ils mangent de la brioche.”

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In other news, Mino Monta’s mom apologized to the Japanese people “for my son being such a dick.”

Japan’s New Political Party: Koheto Nippon

TOKYO (IG News) — A new party to be formed Saturday by veteran politicians defecting from the Liberal Democratic Party and an independent lawmaker will be named Koheto Nippon, which literally means “Old Fart Party of Japan” in English.

The new party’s initial goal is to “make sure the ruling coalition parties do not attain a majority [of farts] in the House of Councillors election” this summer so that the opposition parties can control the flatulence of the upper house, resulting in a situation in which one side controls the lower chamber of the Diet and the other side the upper chamber of the nation’s political rectum.

Response by Japanese voters to yet another political party was swift on Twitter.

“Old farts cut the cheese in the first place! We need new farts なう！ Yes, we can!” tweeted Arafo Konkatsu, letting loose with a silent but deadly onara, incapacitating thousands of evening commuters on the Chiyoda subway.

Tokyo governor Shintaro “Twitchy” Ishihara, who named the new Tachiagare Nippon Party, denied rumors that he named the Koheto Nippon Party, as well as the Dodemo Ii Party or “Who gives a shit?” party.

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In other news, millions of Japanese are rushing to buy the limited edition Koheto Nippon t-shirt here.

New Political Party in Japan: “Get It Up, Japan!”

TOKYO (IG News) — Five former members of the Liberal Democratic Old Farts Party have launched a new political party in Japan called 「たちあがれ日本」or the “Get It Up, Japan!” Party.

“It’s time for Japan to get it up again,” said Takeo “Droopy” Hiranuma turgidly, “it’s been too long since we’ve had a tumescent Japan.”

“Japan must stand erect,” stated former Finance Minister Kaoru “Yes, it’s my real hair!” Yosano swellingly, “the rigidity of the Japanese spirit amongst our members shall rise once again.”

“Let me be clear, it will be a long and hard ride,” intoned Prime Minister Yukio “Bird” Hatoyama tumidly, “this is not the time to distend and engorge ourselves with orotund language.”

“No more excuses,” panted Perky Oppai, chairperson of the Obasan Just Want to Have Fun Party, “Japan, just get it up already!”

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In other news, (^o^)/(⌒0⌒)／~~


US Loses Patience with Japan Over Military Base

Japanese Exorcise Demons with Magical Beans

Millions of oni demons were ousted from their homes by magic soybeans today as humans invoked mame-maki rituals to celebrate the spring Setsubun across Japan.

“Demons out, good fortune in!” shouted Japanese prime minister Yukio “Bird” Hatoyama, “DPJ in, LDP out. You’re just jealous my mommy gives me a humongous allowance as political donations! Ha-ha!”

“You lie! My mommy gives me a bigger allowance than yours!” snapped LDP leader Sadakazu “Someone give me a nickname, please” Tanigaki, “Your mother has a protruding belly button!”

“I don’t believe that non-humans should be allowed to vote,” said former prime minister Taro “Dick” Aso, “once a gaijin, always a soy bean, I always say. Can I read my manga now, mommy?”

“Today, it’s magic beans used against demons. What’s next?” demanded Kowaizo Onioppai, spokesperson for the Japan Federation of Red and Blue Demons, “Predator drones firing salt-tipped cruise missiles at ghosts haunting your keitai cellphone?”

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In other news, Yokozuna Asashoryu testified, “I wasn’t drunk. I was practicing throwing Setsubun soy beans when one hit my ex-manager in the face, breaking his nose. So sorry, neh?”

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Tiger Woods Pitches Japanese Sex Drink: “Is it on you?”

(Photo: Shinto Shrine Maidens preparing to be sacrificed at the annual “Tiger Woods’ Woodie Juice” matsuri festival in Ookii Chinpoko, Kintama Prefecture.)

JAPAN (IG News)–Pocari Sweat, famed for being named after a bodily coolant, launched a new line of sexual energy drinks inspired by Tiger Woods and tag-lined “Is it on you?” in a nod to Japanese facial preferences.

Coca-Cola Japan, purveyor of the finest addictive beverages, counter-attacked  December 7th, a day that shall live in infamy, with Coke(tm) Lobotomy Lube(R) in a Facebook-cloned social media campaign called “Remember Red Pearl Necklaces!”

“I scream, you scream, we all es cream for Tiger Woods’ Woodie Juice,” gushed Shrine Maidens Perky Oppai and Shirigaru Onna, who then whined gutturally in their best moe voices, “Onii-chan (older brother) please touch me nau \{>v<};/<< orz<3 >> EOT.”

Dancing ST-HO @TandyChews BIMHO commented “Once Otaku, Never Bakufu” channeling Chushingura, the epic tale of futile revenge in a blaze of glory ending in ritual group suicide in Nippon.

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In other news, Sexy Girls in the Crowd Go Wild.


2009′s kanji 新 (shin) or “new” + Hatoyama’s 絆 (kizuna) or “relationship” =「新絆」or “new relationships” as in Tiger Woods.

2009′s kanji 新 (shin) or “new” + Hatoyama’s 絆 (kizuna) or “relationship” =「新絆」or “new relationships” as in Tiger Woods.

Posted via email from invisiblegaijin

US President Obama meets Japanese Prime Minister Hatoyama

US President Barack Obama meets Japan Prime Minister Yukio “The Bird” Hatoyama at The @invisiblegaijin Official Residence in Tokyo, Japan for discussions regarding the Japan-US Security Treaty, the relocation of Futenma Air Station, and whether Michael Jackson peaked creatively at “Off the Wall” or “Thiller.”
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In other news, Spiderman was arrested yesterday in Hollywood, California. http://bit.ly/hGwEW

Posted via email from invisiblegaijin