TOKYO (IG News) — Japanese government officials announced today that electromagnetic radiation from the newly opened Tokyo Sky Tree causes Japanese children to mutate into intolerably cute mascots.
“The Japanese people love ‘cute’ and will forgive this egregious waste of taxpayer monies,” scoffed Tokyo Governor Chintaro “Twitchy” Ishipara, “only third-country people will be disappointed the tower doesn’t actually improve their mobile phone signal.”
“Waah! Kawaii! I’m moving my family here so our kids will mutate,” exclaimed Perky Oppai, Tokyo resident and mother of 1.4 children, “and, with a little luck, they’ll catch a glimpse of @TameGoesWild in training!”
“We thought we’d have to spend millions of yen on mascots,” explained Aho Bakatare, chief of the Not-Too-Bright Ideas Section at the Sumida Ward Office, “fortunately, the radiation from the tower saves us that expense!”
“Before I mutated, I was just a third-grader whose life was filled with routine drudgery,” commented Chinko Atama (photo, left), whose head now looks like a ribbed condom with reservoir tip, “now everyone want to take my picture! Pii-su!”
In other news, McDonald’s China announced the new “McJasmine Happy Meal” will be available every Sunday at 2:00 p.m. exclusively at the Wangfujing store in Beijing, which is extremely popular with foreign journalists and undercover street-sweepers.