On the Shanghai Metro, Wang Xiaodidi accepts that the bloom of her youth has faded but, thank Mao, she still has her hair.
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In other news, the world ends, Mayan gods take rifles from millions of Americans’ cold, dead hands.
BAKABAKASHII, Japan (IG News) — Japan stunned the world today by conducting joint exercises with Godzilla near the disputed Sanrio island chain, known popularly as “Hello Kitty” in Japan and “Nihao Xiao Mao” in China.
“These islands belong to the world and must be used for the benefit of all people,” said the king of the kaiju, “Can we all get along? Or shall I go crazy on your ass?”
US intelligence officials denied allegations they failed to predict the appearance of the Japanese monster, “Categorically untrue. At the time, we were off-duty, drunk, and attempting rape.”
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In other news, North Korea denied its new satellite carries Kim Jong Eun’s secret stash of Twinkies.
(Photo Credit: slate.com)
TING BUDONG, China (IG News) — Classified satellite imagery obtained by IG News suggests China may be preparing for military action over the disputed Sanrio island chain, known as “Hello Kitty” in Japan and “Nihao Xiao Mao” in China.
The IG News exclusive photo above shows what appear to be genetically modified midget soldiers in red berets chanting, “Hello Kitty belongs to China!”
CIA analysts believe the weapons are prototypes of the AK-B48 “stealth assault rifle.” Made of plastic, the AK-B48 can only be detected by otaku special operations teams.
Japan opposition leader LDP president Shinzo “Honest” Abe said he would appoint Sora Aoi as ambassador to China “if I can lick my erection、えーと、election problems.”
Hello Kitty, beloved symbol of all things kawaii, had no comment because she has no mouth.
In other news, Black Friday is now called “A Friday of Color.”
Reaching the pinnacle of his career in the Communist Party of China, Wang Xiaodidi makes a fatal error.
TOKYO (IG News) — Tokyo governor Shintaro “Tic-Tic-Tic” Ishihara announced a new Olympic event for the visually challenged, opening the city’s bid for the 2020 Summer Games.
“Shuffle, shuffle, wham!,” chortled Ishihara, “man, that’s funnier than the joke about a blind guy feeling elephant testicles and thinking, ‘ah, Yubari melons!’”
Recent polls show that 8.4% of Tokyoites agree another half billion dollar Olympic bid “can’t hurt,” 12.2% believe “eating seaweed cures baldness,“ and 79.4% responded, “Ishihara? Isn’t he dead?”
Other proposed events include “Upskirt Photography,” “Pin the Tail on AKB48,” and “4 x 100m Washlet™ Relay.”
Tokyo housewife Perky Oppai commented, “There are none so blind as those who can not pee without a catheter.”
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In other news, “cool biz” re-named “sweat-like-a-sumo-in-a-sauna biz.”
(Photo Credit: Korean Central News Agency)
PYONGYANG, North Korea (IG News) — The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea called upon the people of North Korea to “give up their thumbs for Supreme Leader Lil’ Kim Jong Un.”
“To be thumbless is glorious,“ said Pabo Ya, supreme general spokesperson of the Korean People’s Malnutrition Corps, “only wicked foreigners need opposable digits.”
“I’d give up anything to be a human bulwark or human shield,” gushed Juleum Popi, captain of the synchronized starvation club at the Kim Song-Il School for Young Revolutionaries, “then play in the Socialist Fairyland!”
“I support Lil’ Kim all the way,” said former United States Senator Richard John “Rick” Santorum, “the North Koreans really know how to prevent thumb-on-thumb sex.”
“Supreme Leader? I don’t think so, that would be me,” commented singer Diana Ross, “Set me free, why don’t you babe?”
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In other news, Lil’ Kim Jong Un announced his 2012 new year resolutions: (1) lose weight, (2) trade nukes for food, and (3) guest star on Glee.